they cut off my allies arms at the elbows

I saw this first on Bones, the second season, which is an FBI related show, so has FBI agents on premises  and going over, or suggesting, certain scripts.   They showed a character who was supposed to be me, who tricked one of the main characters into helping him in a revolution, by saying he had this big army that he did not have, etc...   I saw this and all kinds of hints showed me they were talking about me.   I was so pissed I stopped watching the show for awhile, then I caught it oddly enough a year later and they had the character back who had lost his arms at the elbows.  Later, I discovered the CIA had done this to people who were helping me in a peaceful movement...  that had to go violent to survive.  I did not know, and I saved the jobs of the CIA officers who did this, because I thought Bush was firing them because they were for me, thinking he was my enemy, when he was not.  I always had...  though I also forgive easily, and especially when this first started... I was in love with the world after awhile, it was stunning...   and I was not making decisions that I thought people would take as scripture.  I ALSO heard once after this...  at least you have your arms.

They did not expect me to become a threat again and were surprised.

When I realized this had actually happened, as well as a group of women attacking the white house, one of the underground groups that backed me, and had been slaughtered.  ANOTHER had his dreads ripped out by hand, his money taken, and shipped from LA to Chicago, which is what they call A BUFFALO JAIL in intelligence parlance, meaning you can wander around the city, but never leave.

I caused a world of trouble when I refused to along with being Christ....
Then horror after horror began to be shown me.   I was supposed to the Christ in operation bluebeam, and may have started to grow wings at five... all evidence points toward this being true, to the point the pope listened to me from the start, and everyone's acceptance of me as Christ came as this huge surprise.   I did not like my life being examined, though I was flattered... there was no way to stop it, like some huge celebration at first...  and maybe the scars over my shoulder blade, no where near the problem I have with my back, were tumors, as my mother, who was in on all this told me.

Then the violence, which led me perhaps to my place in the first place, I DO NOT KNOW...  grew into hideous proportions because my jokes were dark and bloody.  My poetry the passion that gets soldiers to slink off in the night to join others...  so many went out ready to fight, when I was too ill informed to lead.   I hear the song about confession leading to slaughter and know there must be some truth there if they made the song a number one hit, and they slammed religion, both obviously aimed at things I had told them to do....  I said confess if it was safe.   I trusted again.  I have to trust no one.   The violence around me is so abundant I feel like I am standing in a battle field surrounded by a circular wall of enemy corpses...  I wrote a poem about this, and it ended up happening.

I get away from the cult.  THE RELIGION.  The new SCRIPTURES that I brought to enlighten Christians and others to what I know.  And to offer what solace  I can.  I have my own beliefs, and I believe I am THE ONE you called Christ, though I am really the God of Many Masks.... I can do certain miracles and Chicago has witnessed them and fears me.   Once I terrified them unwittingly...  and I am sorry.   I had no idea what was going on, thought I was fighting an enemy I would mess with in any way possible, including lying to, and saying things that would draw out the pedophiles in my so called confessions.. which were drugged out ramblings of a being I do not even remember being...get brainwashed sometime.  Or maybe I was trying to get you to leave me alone, bury your idea I would be the leader of the madness I was seeing... I was treated like shit, so I treated the world like shit.   I had no idea how good I had it, that is for sure.

Later, for about a month, my enemies got control of parts of Chicago when my security abandoned me over a classic psy op program that the BLUE fell for.  Had you told me...  I could have represented all of you in the manner that you deserved.  In my ignorance, I just went along with you because you let me smoke weed and get away with it... I was proud to call the police my friends.  Had  I known people could see everything I was doing.    I would ALMOST allow the whole thing to happen again just to show what  I am really like... only almost.   You will have to take the words I write as my scripture, as only they have ever been... not my spoken words, where in the heat of the moment I might say anything, and things I would revise, or perhaps even regret ever speaking, but with writing I can get across what I really mean.    I spent too long in college writing essays/ they are much more effective than debates to me.

Funny, I used to scream at the tv, to scare them, the bugs I knew they had it because of my occasional direct interaction with people thru the tv.. it was the only way people could contact me, though I wanted to deny what they implied was true, etc...   I DID NOT KNOW who was all watching when I came ibnto my apartment blaming, Gays, or all things, for my not having children....   I came up with some insane conspiracy theory in my head....  and look at that time now as one of ignorance, and terror masked with rage.... my God, when I think of how I danced around my apartment after you told me of the killings, lost in memories of being another person, who lived long ago, and loved battle, and danced before it....  I talked about how we covered ourselves in blood, etc...  trying to freak out the enemies listening, and encourage those who liked me, who I also knew had access to intelligence on me.  I kept turning to mary ann or her to me and saying we just said that and now it is on tv, and ....  I could write a book about how tv was going along with operation bluebeam until  I sabotaged it, because they expected me to go along, but in the meantime, I was left ignorant of how they were using me.... only later did I realize they wanted a one world religion, but I kept insiting they not do that, because it would create a great seat of power, CHRIST on earth... people would be insane not to follow the one called the son of GOD ON EARTH..  This is how they hooked people on watching me.   I was very provocative I imagine on their webcams at times....

RAGE fills me at those who thought I wanted that intrusion into my life.   I THOUGHT I was getting across my words with writing, but they wanted me to be racist, to be on the white side in the race war... I said I WILL NOT FIGHT IN RACE WAR..IN FACT I WILL DO ALL IN MY POWER TO STOP IT.... The black and whites.... such open stereotypes for a human being they mean nothing to me.  Just more divide and conquer to make sure we do not discover the oligarchy is our true enemy as it is in all times of the working classes, the ones who fund both sides of the wars... start killing war profiteer like they did in olden times before they had tv and movies to trick people into thinking fighting for your life was fun, they hung those war profiteer for making money off of misery,



with the rage that WAS THE MONSTER come to life, the werewolf I keep hidden beneath my layers of civility, which run deep, and are the chains that hold the monster...  I have seen his chains break, he can do so when ever I get to the point he is needed, but only then is he powerful enough to take over my body, and order the unthinkable.  They dragged me into that war when I found someone begging me to save them from slavery, I ordered a war against the slave holders, and someone responded.  I think the Scots.  The guy was set free and thanked me, because this group was above the cops...   on the next show he did he talked about how the cops were no help.... God, the things the actors and actresses went thru.  When I was using Colbert and stewart they made them do three shows a day....  it was terrible for them, and when I found out I quit watching the show more than once a day.   I noticed there would be changes in each broadcaste, and it was weird.   At that point they were asking me who I was there to save... my short story about God saving the penguins and the pope was all a joke, until it became taken as the scripture of Jesus written in comedy form.   It was not.  It was all a joke.  I would not exclude any group from the gates of heaven.  In fact, like a man was put to death for saying once, there are a million worlds out there, with people just like us... and all people go to heaven.   They may pay a bit in hell first, but maybe not....  who can say?

I have had serious experiences with God... that make me feel there is something going on with my life, and the list is long, and gives my scientific mind no where to go except to believe there is a higher power working in my life.  I may write only myths about myself and not even know it, but I did not come to faith in the normal ways at all.

The tricky part is when your religion starts after being brainwashed.  I was agnostic and hated churches before the brainwashing.

They also said they took out Hitler at one point about me.  That was.... odd.  I have no idea what they were talking about...  in the hospital, during the three days I do not remember, while the CIA FILES say they were making me MORE MORAL... instead, they were surprised when the voice of Christ began to dominate my world, instead of their idea, of my making the entire world theirs.

My followers moved into the neighborhood where I lived.  Once I met a man there who recognized me and was all honored, said, I KNOW THIS BEACH IS SACRED AND ALL..  I was drawing and he asked me to work for his company, do a drawing.   I should have said yes, but I just down played my already mediocre artistic skills...   I met him again.  Both times he looked at me as if I were God, because in his mind I was.   I had no idea the ups and downs the religion was taking.  They were told that I wanted to be filmed, and them to watch...  They were told I was giving orders through the trinkets  I put out or whatever.  Took me for much more brutal than I am.  Johnny Pain was my stage name, but that is not me.  That was the peaceful me getting his frustrations out, and the fearful me, masking my fear with rage.  Because cornering me is going to get most of you killed if you come to this badgers hole.  Stupid fucks.

I do not know what happened, but at some point an order went out to kill the religious groups involved with me, which I have a scant few hints about, one, a friend who read my cia files who would only say they WERE VERY BAD PEOPLE,  Bob Dylan writing this song about seeing a slaughter in Detroit, and I guess a few other things, like being interrogated for mass murder, though they tried to tell me as little as possible, I sure as hell learned a lot more from being interrogated than I was ever told working in intelligence, when I discovered who the true enemies of the moment were.
I HAD NOTHING to do with this ...  I do not know what these people became.  In one show that was hinted to be like this, because they sent out video of me masterbating that caused chaos around the country, when everyone being protected by the blue was no longer... they turned on me, when my entire apartment was being filmed and that act had certainly been filmed so many times ...  you made one world tv, another my life... and I had no idea how they intersected.  I learned a lot, at the expense of many lives... and that seems to be the story of my existence.   The movie a josh rogan had a character masterbate, then take over a cannibal cult with gay slaves...  there was a lot of talk that is too top secret for me to go into about cannibalism, often inadvertent...  I fear many people who ate sausage in this country ...  soylent green...  a way of getting rid of all the bodies.    This is the government.   The people who were hired to do this are not at fault, and I forgive them and wish them no ill will again...  and pray our mutual respect may one day benefit us both.   I have a lot to make penance for but I will.   I did nothing I thought was wrong at the time.

I think of those who really know about this, what you did as acolytes, how you looked at me... how I must have been seen.  A famous guy, I find out.  An al capone/Charles manson  that the public would love to meet...   I ASKD THEM, about this fame I had that had NEVER effected my life in ways that I understood, though had caused havoc around the world.    I found out also I was hated.



MANY ATROCITIES and crimes had been done in my name....

THEY SAID I WOULD BE FAMOUS LIKE... THEN They showed me the rapist in france who is famous and invited to parties BECAUSE HE RAPED 26 WOMAN.... I do not want to be some sideshow, the guy who was involved in murder, though had an airtight alibi as my enemies once said I had.... the truth is the only defense I needed against your lies...  TO SAY THE LEAST,  the idea of being famous turned sour in my mouth.  I was not going to be displayed as what I am not.  I am not a murderer.  They were murdering people and I killed them to stop this.  That simple.   Later in a trance I wrote a poem about how ten to one would make up for the holy blood, and I did not even really know what the holy blood was, or who would be paying the price... though people did, died in great numbers.    I do not know who came up with this plan I ended up in the middle of, they tell me my grandfather, but it did not work.

I do not think.   I am tempted to take over the world.  It is not impossible.  I would do so in a way that would respect present leadership, buy off all the enemies I could, annihilate the rest.  Once I had the power to do this, but not the knowledge, and that WAS THE CHOSEN OF GOD, because he did not want those people in power, and when I found out about the genocides and racism I did not either.   I stood up willing to die for my beliefs in situations with guns pointed at me from every direction.   Almost no one can say they have been thru what I have.  I know this and it makes writing about it hard...  like the words coming out of my mouth sound crazy even to me, who knows they are true.

I would like to be a holy leader to some, who will have me, and only if they promise to remain themselves, and never try to become like me.  And do not take everything I say as meaningful to your life, or even correct.   I do not care how you dress, what your sexuality is, what your religion or non religion is, your race, country of origin, anything...   I care about whether you will make front and center building secret networks to subvert the oligarchy and redistribute wealth, then restore a real democracy to countries who want it, and whatever to those who do not.  Let people have a real vote, unimpeded by lies.  To do this requires a revolutionary court to try those in the usa who have so subverted democracy and the republic that they are traitors.   I am afraid the death penalty would have to be dissolved or the rivers would run red.  No need to kill them, we need them to point out the problems they have caused.  I actually believe in leaving them with luxury lives just to save blood from being spilled on both sides, as long as they contribute to an emergency fund, which I alone will be in charge of, which begins at the worst problems on earth, and works out....





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I THANK GOD FOR THE HUMBLING

I always was humble inside, going from grandiose dreams of fame to failures in actual practice, until I had given up on anything good coming from writing.  Then Blogging comedy found me an instant audience and I loved it, could comment on all the newspapers I read, build this magazine of mine own.  The Elves Attic at blogspot is still around if you look, as is waking up jesus, from whence these events were described in the frantic voice of one going thru them.

I was chosen by powerful people to play a role, to stop a certain take over attempt by the Chinese left...  perhaps?   To usher in a Nazi era?   A kingdom?  A God Emperor?  Alien?  Nothing made sense at first at all.   I knew I was being told about a huge operation but I also began to believe I wanted nothing to do with them.  At first it was cool, though maddening.... having the voice of Jesus stuffed in my head left me with very diminished capacities.   I was thinking in terms of eternity, and you were trying to get me to lead a revolution.   They pretended I had accidentally took over the world and all this shit, or that is how it looked to me.   I would test the bounds of power, once, I am ashamed to say, once even dissing a dancing ally who sure as hell deserves nothing more than my thanks, as far as I know...  I would not have done these things had I not been running on rage alone, to keep the terror at bay.  The terror most of you out there felt every day came very late to me.   Today I was thinking, as I started this entry, about after they told me of some of the murders...

I said, MY INNOCENCE IS GONE, THAT IS FOR SURE...  I had no idea all of these things had happened in the world, that night they showed me some drunk teenagers, one said, YEA, I LOST MY INNOCENCE WHEN THE KILLERS CAME TO TOWN.    I had praised the band the killers, written a book which had child soldiers in it who killed some parents, took the kids...  criticizing the tactic...  though it became too effective in the states, where this army was like nothing anyone had seen before... and they lost control, whoever started it, the very wealthy,  when I would not go along... I am sure they just went on to the next plan, trying to forget about me, as I try to forget about certain matters too top secret to write about, and unforgettable as all the other horrors that flash before my thoughts.

I lay thinking for hours every day, feigning napping, thinking over every inch of what happened to me, and pondering where to go from here.  Can I believe what I have been told about the public perception of me, that I am a reknown mass murderer, who would be welcomed as the macabe display at parties...  I told them I did not want that kind of fame.

I do not know how to write to those who called themselves acolytes and not just cry...  seems the only honest way to communicate how I feel.  JESUS WEPT.  Shortest, most telling, verse in the bible.. forgotten by those who watched my transition into what I was.   I am not that anymore.  I am more than content to avoid conflict though I remain adamantly prepared to fight under certain condition, if lines are crossed, or loved ones threatened.  Even when my enemy is the most vile of them all, I will give them a way to allow their children to live, will not corner them...  though the sickest of the sick elitists, responsible for millions of starving children because of banking policies, will be tried.   And if they fight, then we will get mean.

I keep getting mistaken for a republican.  Were I to run for office it would be with a gun in hand and soldiers by my side...  and we would socialize banks the first day we took over.    I would want a democracy, though certain assets of the country are presently in private hands, and they have proven irresponsible to the planet.  Most areas,  I do not care what people do, but the rich will be taxed and they can leave if they want, or send plants over seas but they never better expect to sell anything in our us again.