I heard a bit about what their lives were like, studying the tapes of me perhaps, or learning the bible, some kind of classes at night... people being punished in ways that I would never have wanted, that I was then threatened with, causing the beast in me to want to kill every animal that intelligence had told me represented a different group. I was taken as a cruel, vicious God breaking the world with an iron rod. A comedy story I wrote before the Christ voice rose within me, had God coming back to earth and only taking mostly, penguins, the pope, a few cops and winos. Turns out penguins are very much more advanced than humans, etc... ends with whining in all known languages, followed by humans trying to just go on, keep working, just keep a positive attitude. The thought was the new Christ was giving signals to Catholics and Mexicans, after I said I followed in the footsteps of Ceaser Chavez. I have a hard time thinking of how it must have been for people, to be reading the words of a God -- a man who grew wings, and they had proof, and leaders of governments around the world agreed, and miracles began to happen all around me, destruction.
My visions led people to think the end of the world was imminent, and I was half convinced myself after seeing the face of God, myself with endless flows of lava and lightening flowing from my back and chest, and my co worker being beaten up, which he was -- the proof my God sent along for his skeptical son who could not wrap his mind around the idea of what it meant to be a God, let alone why everyone was expecting him to lead the world? I was unprepared to do this alone, asked for advisors, but Bush mistook me for an enemy, and my words were a mistake, thinking he was making a crown for himself, not me.... not that I would have accepted. I would not however have harmed Jeb. That was a comment on the stolen elections. I was trying to be nice to all of you to keep the country from falling apart.
I wanted a revolution, but when I realize the kind of people involved, and what their objectives were, and that I would have to work with at least some of them.. I was too stunned to work with people with ideas I had always hated. Then I learned I am not in charge of your thoughts, if you want in this force just stay within military discipline and keep politics out of it, just winning a war against a genocidal oligarchy. Afterwards we can vote as we will... but we all have more in common than differences. IF humans live long enough they will discover this.
I heard very little of the acolytes, though for awhile I was going to bed at nine thirty, and a gay actor on a show with Mexicans and gays, and whites, which were my initial allies, though I was flattered by this, I was too confused by the size of my audience and why people were fucking watching me, to work with you properly. Perhaps that moment has passed, or you cannot make peace with the blacks... who as you know, I will help if you try to wipe them out. Just like I would help you if they tried to wipe you out. I meant it when I said I would live as a savior. I would write live and die as a savior, but I am not sure what my death is going to be like. I hope a savior of all the souls on this planet... these are the kind of thoughts, and type of writing that have led so many in the past to see me as a spiritual creature, the new Christ, a reincarnating creature who has lead humans since consciousness toward the Golden Rule, the first step up for creatures from the savagery of biggest fish eats the other.
I will write in here what I believe whether you care or not is up to you.
I must emphasize the God I saw is not me, at all.... I once was filled with a fire that sometimes made seem I was this being, and I felt it too, a glimpse perhaps into a limited bit of God's view... but I have found God is very, very active.
During my intelligence work, and life, I guess . . . I came to be the accidental leader of a cult; acolytes they called themselves in the end. This is as much of that story as I can tell.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
The Hints they gave Me of What the Church of the New Christ did..
I have very little clue as to the day to day of the group who followed me, other than that many were religious, political, revolutionary, military... the different periods drew different crowds to the webcams in which I was displayed, like a free in a show you could pull up on your computer. A guy who a lot of people believed was God, this mass murderer in Chicago was getting away with... murder after murder. A madman who terrorized the world, threatening supernatural attacks, calls for nukes .... Lord, when I think now how everyone seemed like my enemy, I understand now.
I do not think I have ever properly expressed how much I hated being filmed, how I had to adjust my life to this presence, which was having actual effects on what happened on my tv, and sometimes in the city.... always surprising the hell out of me. I figured if I was getting my ass kicked stuck in this shitty life, the world was my enemy. Something was horribly wrong and I would fight it at all costs. No matter what army marched behind me, I wanted the heads of the leaders. I wanted conversion to sanity, and a great change... but I was just a guy who got bigger than his britches in a way, and then only out of ignorance. I wanted everyone to like me, so I defended myself against any and all charges, though I also have a tempter and challenging me pissed me off back then. I was at war. and you were looking at a creature, who still believes I am here to cleanse this planet of all life, to draw the fires of the earth to the surface, and make the sky itself your enemy, white walls of exploding lightening....
There are things which have developed into my religion. I used to often think about this, am I here to save people or end the world? If I am here to end the world, as my vision, one of the three I trust, showed me... it makes sense. I know when I created the flood here in Chicago it was out of rage. Love or Hate will win. I have a scale, and humanity right now has a huge pile of bloody Gold weighting down the hate side. Love I think could cause to thousand years of peace.... but this earth does not have ten thousand years of life left, from what I can tell. A hundred years of civilization, maybe a thousand years plus of hold outs living underground hoping aliens will save them or something. I do not care about all this speculation, though I use it to house my spiritual experiences.
I do not know how to address you. You saw me at my worst, and I performed for you I suppose at times, having nothing better to do. I would not have yelled FIRE in the movies quite so often if ever had I realized the reaction. What do any of these words mean? They mean I am not going to let the evil in this destroy my message. The kings of lies will melt away before the flames of fire on my sword. I want to believe the religions that once came to me in a trance of poetry... I can feel that part of me, back there filled with a few words, the universe within me.
I do not know if there is any reason to leave scripture. Who will it be for? A band aide for those of us who will witness the end of the world, the collapse of civilizations and economics. Not even that. I am not providing a distraction,
I heard something about going daily and studying me. Watching me all the time, associated with the word yellow and all life being art. I made some art of my life, I suppose, because there was nothing else I could do to fight back. I was fighting when I would not have been most of the time, though my morality has not changed during any of this. I have the same feelings hating injustice as I did going into this, and that I became he poster boy for being unjust shows me how well they hide me among their words. I have not always acted as I wish I had, surely... though had they not sent embarrassing video of me out to the world, I would never have found out what was really going on in this world, and would have still been being used by people I probably would not be backing if I knew more. No one has ever provided me more than vague examinations of the groups, and often I learned from their critics, who had their own agenda.
I believed lies about you, too.... I get it. I however am not going to allow them to have my name. They do not get to dismiss me as anti semitic, after how close the Jewish Psalms got me to joining the religion, which would have been a major mistake, throwing me into a lot of battles that are beside the point, and to be in a religion that brought Jesus, and the one Jesus brought, is all the difference in the world to me. I was given this religion for a reason, obviously. The catholic part, helping them, and they needed it, I was told, after I accidently got all these people to become Mormons. I was kind of mad at the Catholics, thinking they were holding me jailed, because of those being the hospitals involved. I was in no condition to be dealing with the things I was.
I do not like to think of what was witnessed by people who watched my life. The overwhelming shame is too much to bother mucking about. I have other pain that is more worthy. I cannot apologize enough for causing you the feelings I did, though all it would have taken was to let me know what was happening....
Are there those of you who God has allowed to see me after the words piled around me by the ones who would no moral voice arose?
I do not think I have ever properly expressed how much I hated being filmed, how I had to adjust my life to this presence, which was having actual effects on what happened on my tv, and sometimes in the city.... always surprising the hell out of me. I figured if I was getting my ass kicked stuck in this shitty life, the world was my enemy. Something was horribly wrong and I would fight it at all costs. No matter what army marched behind me, I wanted the heads of the leaders. I wanted conversion to sanity, and a great change... but I was just a guy who got bigger than his britches in a way, and then only out of ignorance. I wanted everyone to like me, so I defended myself against any and all charges, though I also have a tempter and challenging me pissed me off back then. I was at war. and you were looking at a creature, who still believes I am here to cleanse this planet of all life, to draw the fires of the earth to the surface, and make the sky itself your enemy, white walls of exploding lightening....
There are things which have developed into my religion. I used to often think about this, am I here to save people or end the world? If I am here to end the world, as my vision, one of the three I trust, showed me... it makes sense. I know when I created the flood here in Chicago it was out of rage. Love or Hate will win. I have a scale, and humanity right now has a huge pile of bloody Gold weighting down the hate side. Love I think could cause to thousand years of peace.... but this earth does not have ten thousand years of life left, from what I can tell. A hundred years of civilization, maybe a thousand years plus of hold outs living underground hoping aliens will save them or something. I do not care about all this speculation, though I use it to house my spiritual experiences.
I do not know how to address you. You saw me at my worst, and I performed for you I suppose at times, having nothing better to do. I would not have yelled FIRE in the movies quite so often if ever had I realized the reaction. What do any of these words mean? They mean I am not going to let the evil in this destroy my message. The kings of lies will melt away before the flames of fire on my sword. I want to believe the religions that once came to me in a trance of poetry... I can feel that part of me, back there filled with a few words, the universe within me.
I do not know if there is any reason to leave scripture. Who will it be for? A band aide for those of us who will witness the end of the world, the collapse of civilizations and economics. Not even that. I am not providing a distraction,
I heard something about going daily and studying me. Watching me all the time, associated with the word yellow and all life being art. I made some art of my life, I suppose, because there was nothing else I could do to fight back. I was fighting when I would not have been most of the time, though my morality has not changed during any of this. I have the same feelings hating injustice as I did going into this, and that I became he poster boy for being unjust shows me how well they hide me among their words. I have not always acted as I wish I had, surely... though had they not sent embarrassing video of me out to the world, I would never have found out what was really going on in this world, and would have still been being used by people I probably would not be backing if I knew more. No one has ever provided me more than vague examinations of the groups, and often I learned from their critics, who had their own agenda.
I believed lies about you, too.... I get it. I however am not going to allow them to have my name. They do not get to dismiss me as anti semitic, after how close the Jewish Psalms got me to joining the religion, which would have been a major mistake, throwing me into a lot of battles that are beside the point, and to be in a religion that brought Jesus, and the one Jesus brought, is all the difference in the world to me. I was given this religion for a reason, obviously. The catholic part, helping them, and they needed it, I was told, after I accidently got all these people to become Mormons. I was kind of mad at the Catholics, thinking they were holding me jailed, because of those being the hospitals involved. I was in no condition to be dealing with the things I was.
I do not like to think of what was witnessed by people who watched my life. The overwhelming shame is too much to bother mucking about. I have other pain that is more worthy. I cannot apologize enough for causing you the feelings I did, though all it would have taken was to let me know what was happening....
Are there those of you who God has allowed to see me after the words piled around me by the ones who would no moral voice arose?
I have many unpublished drafts on this topic...
I do not know if I am writing now to find some kind of narrative where I am not a horrible monster. WHERE I AM NOT WHAT many believe I am. I have been misunderstood so often than one would think I WOULD get used to it, but one no more gets used to this than punches in the gut. To be accused of being a Charles Manson with an army of killers, both professional and religiously hyped out, brain washed mobs.
When I first believed I am Christ, the feeling that I was being worshipped in some ways, I wanted to be on the other side of the mirror. I had dreamt twenty years before of Christ coming back in Chicago, though he did not quite show up... I believed he was going to and it was one of the greatest feelings ever... anyways, the point is that I had different people who believed in me at different times, and as different things.
When I realized I was looked at as a criminal who was involved in forcing people to purchase something, when I was talking about the insurance I had, personally, against any attack on my person. I was trying to use psy ops on the enemy, remind them of my ace in the hole as much as possible, keep them off kilter, a bit terrified, and rightly so... to my way of thinking at the time. I had no idea then the objects around me were being used. I caught hints of things but would have never equated a toy lobster with torture. Never. I was taken to be much more calculating than I am... and though I can calculate with the best of them in some respects, I did not have the proper knowledge given to me to solve problems. The powers that be did not like my beliefs... just my power.
The offense perpetrated against me by watching me... drew a lot of anger from me, set me up into a state of rage. Always, there was the enemy, and I was fascinated by you had to say, as I tried to determine what was going on. One day they asked for an afternoon off.... and this was my first indication people were looking to me to give them a day off... for God's sake, I told them of course... and wanted to say take your life off. They were trying to respond to me. Some were trying to teach me, others undermine me, etc. My allies made enemies of my natural allies, and correcting that misconception has cost countless lives. Countless. I betrayed groups out of sheer ignorance. I did not mean them any harm, people can have their beliefs, I can work with them, but I will not join a group like that... I would not fight for what you wanted. No race war. Period. That is a distraction I wills spend my life fighting.
To be blamed for all I stood against, to have all my writing once dismissed as STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, when I did not even know I was a hostage, and it had just never entered my mind. I was not a racist to begin with, and being around a lot of blacks had taken away my misconceptions and I enjoyed black people. I certainly would not judge people by the color of their skin, and I drove cab for over a decade, and many, even black drivers, passed up blacks... if for no other reason than they were said to tip less... I got great tips from blacks, because I treated everyone the same, instead of not expecting a tip so being shitty with them, or fearful, etc. To find myself in the midst of that, and to find my words had somehow made me the black mascot. I felt shame over that.
Like I was a dancing monkey, a cheerleader... I had written that this in a way is all a politician is, and why bush won... the power of cheerleading. I may have not understood everything that was happening around me, but I would not choose the black side, either. I choose the side of Justice, equality.... I will find with any minority that a majority tries to wipe out. That is a who is gonna get it next atmosphere, like we had in the USA for awhile. I got the I am a mascot thing, after thinking about a mission and talking about it, then two commercials came on the next day, saying, he does know he is the mascot, right? I later was so pissed I yelled into their bugs, I AM NO ONE'S MASCOT. That is demeaning. I am a free agent as far as some of this goes. I have friends I wish to work with, and respect their sensitivities on certain matters, though they have never asked me to do anything, compared to the CIA involving me in a mission that involved mass murder.
I always stray from the topic of those who believe in me to this day. I have to believe you exist. Live at least like you do, after failing to be there for you, in the way I would have chosen, for so many years. You saw the absolute worst of me. A man being driven mad with concern over events he did not understand. I knew I had a place in this, that I was being listened to, and my actions being mocked or degraded on tv shows, and later movies. I had no idea who was behind what? In the end I am humbled you looked to me for leadership in the state of mind to which I had degraded. I was playing a cat and mouse game, and I was most certainly the mouse. A mouse that roared, sure... still a mouse. That was true, and not true.
I never would have shown you my body, let alone my sexuality, had I realized you had taken this webcam so far, and your belief in me so seriously. I shared your belief. And to the revolutionary side of this, which you can take religiously or not, I did not realize what the sides were, why you were engaged in battle, etc... I tried my best to be on the side of blind justice. That was not what you wanted... you prefer blind prejudice.
What was done to my brain was very serious and I could not believe people were sitting back and watching me. I never wanted that. I especially did not want that when I realize there was so much more than met the eye going on. I was trying to be nice to everyone, but that suddenly seemed to mean all these people thought I was selling out, which I would not do, I think I have proven about a zillion ways and with millions of bucks. I expected to be welcomed. The problem was someone else was in charge, or a poem I wrote about the Bushes was taken too seriously... and I was mistaken about the intent of the letter I had gotten anyways. I was confused. I looked at Bush as an enemy politically but I would certainly never have wanted one of them hurt, but shamed for stealing the election in a poem, sure. When I heard how that escalated. I could not even comment on it because it told me of others who were involved, with objectives they did not share with me.
The break downs in society were never reported to me. The tactics being used were never reported to me. My own power was reported to me, and there were warnings, but I could not believe the media, when my own life seemed in such stark contrast. I asked for a normal life one night, being blown away by memories of being worshipped on other planets, and famous etcetera and I preferred to just have a regular life. I said many things that were not true or just rationalizing what I felt I had no choice in... like the bugs. I did not like to think of them, and was always annoyed when a show would reference the conflict. Then when I was told by an actor on a popular show he was being sold to his hairdresser.... and I had to preach that I would attack anyone who was keeping slaves, no matter how close they thought they were to me. I knew that I had fought hard for gay causes, and this was obviously a hetero sexual man ... slavery is bad enough without serial rape, but I guess that is part of the sickness of ownership. Thank you to the Scots and others who came to my aide to take out these predators.
I said from the start I was here to free slaves. That I meant. I did not mean to free every dangerous killer in the world, or whatever... but I would empty the prisons of non violent offenders, putting them on home release at most. Many things I wrote in poetry, which is obscure at best to most people, and I used phrases I should not have. Paux Romano, or the peace of Rome. This set Rome on fire I guess. I could not understand why so many people suddenly believed in me. I assumed most did not. I thought they did at first, when the guy on the street told me the world knew Christ existed, and he was me... and I did not have the where withal to understand the weight of this burden, tossed it out of my mind, enjoyed the communication the tv did showing my life, etc... then things turned violent.
Over night everything went to hell. I felt like I was in a real war, and was being tortured by pain and the head games people were playing with me... if what the tv said was true, why were leaders not coming to meet me, or inviting me, or .... a lot of things. I am very good at denial. I guess. The years of drinking required as much, but I also sobered up mostly. Pot and the pills had an effect, but mostly they were a way of numbing myself enough to continue in the new world I found myself in, where there was a God, and I was his Son. After the visions, I had no doubts about this.
In the pathetic end of the webcams... I got xfinity and Mary Ann mentioned she thought the tv was responding to us again... then a show had a guy in an ape suit, real skinny, like I was, the king of the apes... and they were asking what I was doing there, and inferred I was dying of cancer. None of this was true. I had just become so appalled with the treatment I was getting after an event that meant nothing to me became a huge deal to the world. An act those filming me everywhere had on camera suddenly was on a camera that was in the living room.... I was telling you to leave me alone, again, as I always was... yet you thought I wanted an audience. I was thinking the other day how I hoped someone had chopped off yo you ma's fingers, and that if I got control, I would do this one act of fucking revenge. I would also take out Dylan, but first I would make the public aware of their sins and let them be mocked, etcetera.... paraded naked in cages thru the street, pelted with tomatoes we will bring in for the occasion. Along with a parade of politicians and other traitors to freedom of thought, action, and lifestyle....
I was going to bed at nine thirty and a character who I had a lot to do with said he was going to bed early lately. Gays and Mexicans and Puerto Ricans and Whites, I think, were my big allies at that point. I did not know what it meant that we were allies, really. I knew that I was questioned a lot about the Mexican culture and this and that, and had no idea why. I did not realize people thought I was being a stripper for a fucking webcam, and other things. I remember they brought out an actor they used as me a lot, will Ferrell, and he was naked, on a horse, surrounded by dancing gay guys, and this Mexican guy I had never seen before is really pissed off and says HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THIS? Well, it took me a minute to fucking get thru the mortification... how could people look at me like that? I really began to blame the gays to a degree, because there was all this talk about my sexuality, which should not have even been an issue, and I exaggerated my involvement for the sheer hell of it. To make a point. To say gays are angels so they are just fucking left alone.
When this started I was playing mind games with the world, not taking the position serious at all. I woke up like ground hogs day, which they played a lot for me to show me, act cool and we will let you out of this prison... and I was living the same day over and over in a way, after gaining all this fame and suddenly being ignored. I expected fame and fortune and instead found this weird government would not allow that to happen, though they were more than happy to communicate with me on tv shows.... I did not realize it was dangerous for them not to like me. No idea of the zealots in the crowd ready to die for Christ, and kill...
A song came on about how I was turning friends into enemies, and if I was love why was I kicking their ass... jack white... very dark song, which I liked, until I realized they thought I was doing this... I was saying fight the two percent, which was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart. Celebrities are not in the trillionaires billionaire category that are the enemy, they merely work for them, wittingly, or unwittingly. A lot of them are inducted into secret societies or by other countries, criminals... like you need a sponsor to get a city job in Chicago, especially in the old days, someone with Juice, who took care of you, and you took care of them, maybe kick back a few bucks of his pay... who knows? Do political work for them, contribute money, whatever.
To go from being loved to hated. By millions and more..... I cannot quit writing. And I wonder sometimes if my every word now is just a rationalization for events that fill me with guilt, regret, horror, terror... and leave my day to day at best a person watching tv in a funeral home, and feeling the general sense of mourning no matter how many smiling faces pass across the screen. Like during the end of the webcam, I felt if I could help I would accept this. But I begged you to cut it off after that. I wanted to reassure people that they had nothing to fear from me, though I certainly did not always act up to that ideal. I had no ill will toward all English people, just monarchies, and the queen is a very easy target, as is the murderous Charles. But I felt them so far away from me that what did it matter what I wrote. When the queen came onto bbc saying we have to stop this, I thought she meant my criticizing of her. I was not happy to see her gold stolen...
I guess if it was going directly to some great cause, fine, but to steal it like a criminal.. No. Robin Hood is one thing, and this is what must happen with the trillionaires. We must all be Robin Hoods.
I do not know how much good it does to bring up the past, the places I wish I had acted differently tend to haunt me enough without my entertaining them for sport. I try to keep my mind focused more on how to salvage what I can of any allies who will leave behind their racism, and all their isms, and treat people how they treat you, and others. Who on this earth can say they would want to be in the position of the Palestinians? No one. The crimes there are allowed because of the USA. We protect this small country because many of our rich, and politicians, are Jewish. And AIPAC. I understand wanting to be heard, but they have gained too much power, and are imposing their will on the world in our name. I do not want to see the Jewish people suffer, either... and what the Zionists are doing sets back religious relationships about a hundred years, in most places. The states will come slower because the media is Jewish owned.
I DO NOT and never will be on the side of the bankers, but they are not all Jewish. I did not notice the Jews being a big player in the game when I was at the top, they were someone I tried to protect. I would not have protected all their behavior, as I did not... I criticized all kinds of people never thinking it made any difference. And it did. Later...
I was made to feel insignificant, at a very dangerous time for such a perception.
The grand plans blew up in their face. One moral man stood up to the armies of the earth. Though I was awakened too early, too ignorant, to do anything more than the will of God... things that seemed like errors became my greatest strength. ASKING TO BE BURNED, and thinking no one would react and then seeing this huge blast of criticism from every show... it was astounding. That was when the view people had of me came home, in a the mildest of ways... and I was appalled, but still astounded and humbled that all these people took part in something of that magnitude.. and from this I was able to feel the sordid sinking feeling that this was just a fucking webcam show to people... not my life... not ruling the world... nothing. Just nothing...
I no longer cared about anyone at that point. I hated everyone on television in a way, and forgave them, too. I did not want them hurt, until later, when I realized they wanted a fight and I could give them one... in fact, they needed one, to be challenged. They need a lot more to be honest. Now that I know more though I realize that is probably impossible.
I would rather write about religion in a way, but I do not know what to add to religion? The great questions have been asked and answered since the beginning of time, never satisfactorily enough not to be replaced.
When I first believed I am Christ, the feeling that I was being worshipped in some ways, I wanted to be on the other side of the mirror. I had dreamt twenty years before of Christ coming back in Chicago, though he did not quite show up... I believed he was going to and it was one of the greatest feelings ever... anyways, the point is that I had different people who believed in me at different times, and as different things.
When I realized I was looked at as a criminal who was involved in forcing people to purchase something, when I was talking about the insurance I had, personally, against any attack on my person. I was trying to use psy ops on the enemy, remind them of my ace in the hole as much as possible, keep them off kilter, a bit terrified, and rightly so... to my way of thinking at the time. I had no idea then the objects around me were being used. I caught hints of things but would have never equated a toy lobster with torture. Never. I was taken to be much more calculating than I am... and though I can calculate with the best of them in some respects, I did not have the proper knowledge given to me to solve problems. The powers that be did not like my beliefs... just my power.
The offense perpetrated against me by watching me... drew a lot of anger from me, set me up into a state of rage. Always, there was the enemy, and I was fascinated by you had to say, as I tried to determine what was going on. One day they asked for an afternoon off.... and this was my first indication people were looking to me to give them a day off... for God's sake, I told them of course... and wanted to say take your life off. They were trying to respond to me. Some were trying to teach me, others undermine me, etc. My allies made enemies of my natural allies, and correcting that misconception has cost countless lives. Countless. I betrayed groups out of sheer ignorance. I did not mean them any harm, people can have their beliefs, I can work with them, but I will not join a group like that... I would not fight for what you wanted. No race war. Period. That is a distraction I wills spend my life fighting.
To be blamed for all I stood against, to have all my writing once dismissed as STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, when I did not even know I was a hostage, and it had just never entered my mind. I was not a racist to begin with, and being around a lot of blacks had taken away my misconceptions and I enjoyed black people. I certainly would not judge people by the color of their skin, and I drove cab for over a decade, and many, even black drivers, passed up blacks... if for no other reason than they were said to tip less... I got great tips from blacks, because I treated everyone the same, instead of not expecting a tip so being shitty with them, or fearful, etc. To find myself in the midst of that, and to find my words had somehow made me the black mascot. I felt shame over that.
Like I was a dancing monkey, a cheerleader... I had written that this in a way is all a politician is, and why bush won... the power of cheerleading. I may have not understood everything that was happening around me, but I would not choose the black side, either. I choose the side of Justice, equality.... I will find with any minority that a majority tries to wipe out. That is a who is gonna get it next atmosphere, like we had in the USA for awhile. I got the I am a mascot thing, after thinking about a mission and talking about it, then two commercials came on the next day, saying, he does know he is the mascot, right? I later was so pissed I yelled into their bugs, I AM NO ONE'S MASCOT. That is demeaning. I am a free agent as far as some of this goes. I have friends I wish to work with, and respect their sensitivities on certain matters, though they have never asked me to do anything, compared to the CIA involving me in a mission that involved mass murder.
I always stray from the topic of those who believe in me to this day. I have to believe you exist. Live at least like you do, after failing to be there for you, in the way I would have chosen, for so many years. You saw the absolute worst of me. A man being driven mad with concern over events he did not understand. I knew I had a place in this, that I was being listened to, and my actions being mocked or degraded on tv shows, and later movies. I had no idea who was behind what? In the end I am humbled you looked to me for leadership in the state of mind to which I had degraded. I was playing a cat and mouse game, and I was most certainly the mouse. A mouse that roared, sure... still a mouse. That was true, and not true.
I never would have shown you my body, let alone my sexuality, had I realized you had taken this webcam so far, and your belief in me so seriously. I shared your belief. And to the revolutionary side of this, which you can take religiously or not, I did not realize what the sides were, why you were engaged in battle, etc... I tried my best to be on the side of blind justice. That was not what you wanted... you prefer blind prejudice.
What was done to my brain was very serious and I could not believe people were sitting back and watching me. I never wanted that. I especially did not want that when I realize there was so much more than met the eye going on. I was trying to be nice to everyone, but that suddenly seemed to mean all these people thought I was selling out, which I would not do, I think I have proven about a zillion ways and with millions of bucks. I expected to be welcomed. The problem was someone else was in charge, or a poem I wrote about the Bushes was taken too seriously... and I was mistaken about the intent of the letter I had gotten anyways. I was confused. I looked at Bush as an enemy politically but I would certainly never have wanted one of them hurt, but shamed for stealing the election in a poem, sure. When I heard how that escalated. I could not even comment on it because it told me of others who were involved, with objectives they did not share with me.
The break downs in society were never reported to me. The tactics being used were never reported to me. My own power was reported to me, and there were warnings, but I could not believe the media, when my own life seemed in such stark contrast. I asked for a normal life one night, being blown away by memories of being worshipped on other planets, and famous etcetera and I preferred to just have a regular life. I said many things that were not true or just rationalizing what I felt I had no choice in... like the bugs. I did not like to think of them, and was always annoyed when a show would reference the conflict. Then when I was told by an actor on a popular show he was being sold to his hairdresser.... and I had to preach that I would attack anyone who was keeping slaves, no matter how close they thought they were to me. I knew that I had fought hard for gay causes, and this was obviously a hetero sexual man ... slavery is bad enough without serial rape, but I guess that is part of the sickness of ownership. Thank you to the Scots and others who came to my aide to take out these predators.
I said from the start I was here to free slaves. That I meant. I did not mean to free every dangerous killer in the world, or whatever... but I would empty the prisons of non violent offenders, putting them on home release at most. Many things I wrote in poetry, which is obscure at best to most people, and I used phrases I should not have. Paux Romano, or the peace of Rome. This set Rome on fire I guess. I could not understand why so many people suddenly believed in me. I assumed most did not. I thought they did at first, when the guy on the street told me the world knew Christ existed, and he was me... and I did not have the where withal to understand the weight of this burden, tossed it out of my mind, enjoyed the communication the tv did showing my life, etc... then things turned violent.
Over night everything went to hell. I felt like I was in a real war, and was being tortured by pain and the head games people were playing with me... if what the tv said was true, why were leaders not coming to meet me, or inviting me, or .... a lot of things. I am very good at denial. I guess. The years of drinking required as much, but I also sobered up mostly. Pot and the pills had an effect, but mostly they were a way of numbing myself enough to continue in the new world I found myself in, where there was a God, and I was his Son. After the visions, I had no doubts about this.
In the pathetic end of the webcams... I got xfinity and Mary Ann mentioned she thought the tv was responding to us again... then a show had a guy in an ape suit, real skinny, like I was, the king of the apes... and they were asking what I was doing there, and inferred I was dying of cancer. None of this was true. I had just become so appalled with the treatment I was getting after an event that meant nothing to me became a huge deal to the world. An act those filming me everywhere had on camera suddenly was on a camera that was in the living room.... I was telling you to leave me alone, again, as I always was... yet you thought I wanted an audience. I was thinking the other day how I hoped someone had chopped off yo you ma's fingers, and that if I got control, I would do this one act of fucking revenge. I would also take out Dylan, but first I would make the public aware of their sins and let them be mocked, etcetera.... paraded naked in cages thru the street, pelted with tomatoes we will bring in for the occasion. Along with a parade of politicians and other traitors to freedom of thought, action, and lifestyle....
I was going to bed at nine thirty and a character who I had a lot to do with said he was going to bed early lately. Gays and Mexicans and Puerto Ricans and Whites, I think, were my big allies at that point. I did not know what it meant that we were allies, really. I knew that I was questioned a lot about the Mexican culture and this and that, and had no idea why. I did not realize people thought I was being a stripper for a fucking webcam, and other things. I remember they brought out an actor they used as me a lot, will Ferrell, and he was naked, on a horse, surrounded by dancing gay guys, and this Mexican guy I had never seen before is really pissed off and says HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THIS? Well, it took me a minute to fucking get thru the mortification... how could people look at me like that? I really began to blame the gays to a degree, because there was all this talk about my sexuality, which should not have even been an issue, and I exaggerated my involvement for the sheer hell of it. To make a point. To say gays are angels so they are just fucking left alone.
When this started I was playing mind games with the world, not taking the position serious at all. I woke up like ground hogs day, which they played a lot for me to show me, act cool and we will let you out of this prison... and I was living the same day over and over in a way, after gaining all this fame and suddenly being ignored. I expected fame and fortune and instead found this weird government would not allow that to happen, though they were more than happy to communicate with me on tv shows.... I did not realize it was dangerous for them not to like me. No idea of the zealots in the crowd ready to die for Christ, and kill...
A song came on about how I was turning friends into enemies, and if I was love why was I kicking their ass... jack white... very dark song, which I liked, until I realized they thought I was doing this... I was saying fight the two percent, which was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart. Celebrities are not in the trillionaires billionaire category that are the enemy, they merely work for them, wittingly, or unwittingly. A lot of them are inducted into secret societies or by other countries, criminals... like you need a sponsor to get a city job in Chicago, especially in the old days, someone with Juice, who took care of you, and you took care of them, maybe kick back a few bucks of his pay... who knows? Do political work for them, contribute money, whatever.
To go from being loved to hated. By millions and more..... I cannot quit writing. And I wonder sometimes if my every word now is just a rationalization for events that fill me with guilt, regret, horror, terror... and leave my day to day at best a person watching tv in a funeral home, and feeling the general sense of mourning no matter how many smiling faces pass across the screen. Like during the end of the webcam, I felt if I could help I would accept this. But I begged you to cut it off after that. I wanted to reassure people that they had nothing to fear from me, though I certainly did not always act up to that ideal. I had no ill will toward all English people, just monarchies, and the queen is a very easy target, as is the murderous Charles. But I felt them so far away from me that what did it matter what I wrote. When the queen came onto bbc saying we have to stop this, I thought she meant my criticizing of her. I was not happy to see her gold stolen...
I guess if it was going directly to some great cause, fine, but to steal it like a criminal.. No. Robin Hood is one thing, and this is what must happen with the trillionaires. We must all be Robin Hoods.
I do not know how much good it does to bring up the past, the places I wish I had acted differently tend to haunt me enough without my entertaining them for sport. I try to keep my mind focused more on how to salvage what I can of any allies who will leave behind their racism, and all their isms, and treat people how they treat you, and others. Who on this earth can say they would want to be in the position of the Palestinians? No one. The crimes there are allowed because of the USA. We protect this small country because many of our rich, and politicians, are Jewish. And AIPAC. I understand wanting to be heard, but they have gained too much power, and are imposing their will on the world in our name. I do not want to see the Jewish people suffer, either... and what the Zionists are doing sets back religious relationships about a hundred years, in most places. The states will come slower because the media is Jewish owned.
I DO NOT and never will be on the side of the bankers, but they are not all Jewish. I did not notice the Jews being a big player in the game when I was at the top, they were someone I tried to protect. I would not have protected all their behavior, as I did not... I criticized all kinds of people never thinking it made any difference. And it did. Later...
I was made to feel insignificant, at a very dangerous time for such a perception.
The grand plans blew up in their face. One moral man stood up to the armies of the earth. Though I was awakened too early, too ignorant, to do anything more than the will of God... things that seemed like errors became my greatest strength. ASKING TO BE BURNED, and thinking no one would react and then seeing this huge blast of criticism from every show... it was astounding. That was when the view people had of me came home, in a the mildest of ways... and I was appalled, but still astounded and humbled that all these people took part in something of that magnitude.. and from this I was able to feel the sordid sinking feeling that this was just a fucking webcam show to people... not my life... not ruling the world... nothing. Just nothing...
I no longer cared about anyone at that point. I hated everyone on television in a way, and forgave them, too. I did not want them hurt, until later, when I realized they wanted a fight and I could give them one... in fact, they needed one, to be challenged. They need a lot more to be honest. Now that I know more though I realize that is probably impossible.
I would rather write about religion in a way, but I do not know what to add to religion? The great questions have been asked and answered since the beginning of time, never satisfactorily enough not to be replaced.
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