I have many unpublished drafts on this topic...

I do not know if I am writing now to find some kind of narrative where I am not a horrible monster.  WHERE I AM NOT WHAT many believe I am.  I have been misunderstood so often than one would think I WOULD get used to it, but one no more gets used to this than punches in the gut.  To be accused of being a Charles Manson with an army of killers, both professional and religiously hyped out, brain washed mobs.

When I first believed I am Christ, the feeling that I was being worshipped in some ways,  I wanted to be on the other side of the mirror.  I had dreamt twenty years before of Christ coming back in Chicago, though he did not quite show up... I believed he was going to and it was one of the greatest feelings ever...  anyways, the point is that I had different people who believed in me at different times, and as different things.

When I realized I was looked at as a criminal who was involved in forcing people to purchase something, when I was talking about the insurance I had, personally, against any attack on my person.   I was trying to use psy ops on the enemy, remind them of my ace in the hole as much as possible, keep them off kilter, a bit terrified, and rightly so...  to my way of thinking at the time.   I had no idea then the objects around me were being used.  I caught hints of things but would have never equated a toy lobster with torture.  Never.  I was taken to be much more calculating than I am...  and though I can calculate with the best of them in some respects, I did not have the proper knowledge given to me to solve problems.  The powers that be did not like my beliefs... just my power.

The offense perpetrated against me by watching me...  drew a lot of anger from me, set me up into a state of rage.  Always, there was the enemy, and I was fascinated by you had to say, as I tried to determine what was going on.  One day they asked for an afternoon off.... and this was my first indication people were looking to me to give them a day off...  for God's sake, I told them of course... and wanted to say take your life off.  They were trying to respond to me.  Some were trying to teach me, others undermine me, etc.   My allies made enemies of my natural allies, and correcting that misconception has cost countless lives.  Countless.  I betrayed groups out of sheer ignorance.  I did not mean them any harm, people can have their beliefs, I can work with them, but I will not join a group like that...  I would not fight for what you wanted.  No race war. Period.  That is a distraction I wills spend my life fighting.

To be blamed for all I stood against, to have all my writing once dismissed as STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, when I did not even know I was a hostage, and it had just never entered my mind.  I was not a racist to begin with, and being around a lot of blacks had taken away my misconceptions and I enjoyed black people.  I certainly would not judge people by the color of their skin, and I drove cab for over a decade, and many, even black drivers, passed up blacks... if for no other reason than they were said to tip less... I got great tips from blacks, because I treated everyone the same, instead of not expecting a tip so being shitty with them, or fearful, etc.   To find myself in the midst of that, and to find my words had somehow made me the black mascot.  I felt shame over that.

Like I was a dancing monkey, a cheerleader...  I had written that this in a way is all a politician is, and why bush won... the power of cheerleading.  I may have not understood everything that was happening around me, but I would not choose the black side, either.    I choose the side of Justice, equality....  I will find with any minority that a majority tries to wipe out.   That is a who is gonna get it next atmosphere, like we had in the USA for awhile.  I got the I am a mascot thing, after thinking about a mission and talking about it, then two commercials came on the next day, saying, he does know he is the mascot, right?    I later was so pissed I yelled into their bugs, I AM NO ONE'S MASCOT.  That is demeaning.   I am a free agent as far as some of this goes.  I have friends I wish to work with, and respect their sensitivities on certain matters, though they have never asked me to do anything, compared to the CIA involving me in a mission that involved mass murder.

I always stray from the topic of those who believe in me to this day.  I have to believe you exist.  Live at least like you do, after failing to be there for you, in the way I would have chosen, for so many years.  You saw the absolute worst of me.  A man being driven mad with concern over events he did not understand.   I knew I had a place in this, that I was being listened to, and my actions being mocked or degraded on tv shows, and later movies.   I had no idea who was behind what?    In the end  I am humbled you looked to me for leadership in the state of mind to which I had degraded.  I was playing a cat and mouse game, and I was most certainly the mouse.  A mouse that roared, sure... still a mouse.  That was true, and not true.

I never would have shown you my body, let alone my sexuality, had I realized you had taken this webcam so far, and your belief in me so seriously.  I shared your belief.  And to the revolutionary side of this, which you can take religiously or not, I did not realize what the sides were, why you were engaged in battle, etc...  I tried my best to be on the side of blind justice.  That was not what you wanted... you prefer blind prejudice.

What was done to my brain was very serious and I could not believe people were sitting back and watching me.  I never wanted that.  I especially did not want that when I realize there was so much more than met the eye going on.   I was trying to be nice to everyone, but that suddenly seemed to mean all these people thought I was selling out, which I would not do, I think I have proven about a zillion ways and with millions of bucks.  I expected to be welcomed.  The problem was someone else was in charge, or a poem I wrote about the Bushes was taken too seriously... and I was mistaken about the intent of the letter I had gotten anyways.   I was confused.  I looked at Bush as an enemy politically but  I would certainly never have wanted one of them hurt, but shamed for stealing the election in a poem, sure.  When I heard how that escalated.  I could not even comment on it because it told me of others who were involved, with objectives they did not share with me.

The break downs in society were never reported to me.   The tactics being used were never reported to me.  My own power was reported to me, and there were warnings, but I could not believe the media, when my own life seemed in such stark contrast.   I asked for a normal life one night, being blown away by memories of being worshipped on other planets, and famous etcetera and I preferred to just have a regular life.   I said many things that were not true or just rationalizing what I felt I had no choice in... like the bugs.   I did not like to think of them, and was always annoyed when a show would reference the conflict.  Then when I was told by an actor on a popular show he was being sold to his hairdresser.... and I had to preach that I would attack anyone who was keeping slaves, no matter how close they thought they were to me.   I knew that  I had fought hard for gay causes, and this was obviously a hetero sexual man ...  slavery is bad enough without serial rape, but I guess that is part of the sickness of ownership.  Thank you to the Scots and others who came to my aide to take out these predators.

I said from the start I was here to free slaves.  That I meant.  I did not mean to free every dangerous killer in the world, or whatever...  but I would empty the prisons of non violent offenders, putting them on home release at most.  Many things I wrote in poetry, which is obscure at best to most people, and I used phrases I should not have.  Paux Romano, or the peace of Rome.  This set Rome on fire I guess.   I could not understand why so many people suddenly believed in me.   I assumed most did not.   I thought they did at first, when the guy on the street told me the world knew Christ existed, and he was me...   and I did not have the where withal to understand the weight of this burden, tossed it out of my mind, enjoyed the communication the tv did showing my life, etc... then things turned violent.


Over night everything went to hell.   I felt like I was in a real war, and was being tortured by pain and the head games people were playing with me... if what the tv said was true, why were leaders not coming to meet me, or inviting me, or ....  a lot of things.   I am very good at denial.  I guess.  The years of drinking required as much, but I also sobered up mostly.  Pot and the pills had an effect, but mostly they were a way of numbing myself enough to continue in the new world I found myself in, where there was a God, and I was his Son.   After the visions, I had no doubts about this.

In the pathetic end of the webcams...  I got xfinity and Mary Ann mentioned she thought the tv was responding to us again... then a show had a guy in an ape suit, real skinny, like I was, the king of the apes... and they were asking what I was doing there, and inferred I was dying of cancer.  None of this was true.   I had just become so appalled with the treatment I was getting after an event that meant nothing to me became a huge deal to the world.  An act those filming me everywhere had on camera suddenly was on a camera that was in the living room....  I was telling you to leave me alone, again, as I always was...  yet you thought I wanted an audience.  I was thinking the other day how I hoped someone had chopped off yo you ma's fingers, and that if I got control, I would do this one act of fucking revenge.  I would also take out Dylan, but first I would make the public aware of their sins and let them be mocked, etcetera.... paraded naked in cages thru the street, pelted with tomatoes we will bring in for the occasion.   Along with a parade of politicians and other traitors to freedom of thought, action, and lifestyle....

I was going to bed at nine thirty and a character who I had a lot to do with said he was going to bed early lately.   Gays and Mexicans and Puerto Ricans and Whites, I think, were my big allies at that point.  I did not know what it meant that we were allies, really.  I knew that I was questioned a lot about the Mexican culture and this and that, and had no idea why.   I did not realize people thought I was being a stripper for a fucking webcam, and other things.  I remember they brought out an actor they used as me a lot, will Ferrell, and he was naked, on a horse, surrounded by dancing gay guys, and this Mexican guy I had never seen before is really pissed off and says HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THIS?   Well, it took me a minute to fucking get thru the mortification... how could people look at me like that?   I really began to blame the gays to a degree, because there was all this talk about my sexuality, which should not have even been an issue, and I exaggerated my involvement for the sheer hell of it.  To make a point.  To say gays are angels so they are just fucking left alone.

When this started  I was playing mind games with the world, not taking the position serious at all.  I woke up like ground hogs day, which they played a lot for me to show me, act cool and we will let you out of this prison...  and I was living the same day over and over in a way, after gaining all this fame and suddenly being ignored.  I expected fame and fortune and instead found this weird government would not allow that to happen, though they were more than happy to communicate with me on tv shows....  I did not realize it was dangerous for them not to like me.  No idea of the zealots in the crowd ready to die for Christ, and kill...

A song came on about how I was turning friends into enemies, and if I was love why was  I kicking their ass... jack white...    very dark song, which I liked, until I realized they thought  I was doing this...  I was saying fight the two percent, which was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.  Celebrities are not in the trillionaires billionaire category that are the enemy, they merely work for them, wittingly, or unwittingly.   A lot of them are inducted into secret societies or by other countries, criminals... like you need a sponsor to get a city job in Chicago, especially in the old days, someone with  Juice, who took care of you, and you took care of them, maybe kick back a few bucks of his pay... who knows?  Do political work for them, contribute money, whatever.

To go from being loved to hated.   By millions and more.....  I cannot quit writing.   And I wonder sometimes if my every word now is just a rationalization for events that fill me with guilt, regret, horror, terror... and leave my day to day at best a person watching tv in a funeral home, and feeling the general sense of mourning no matter how many smiling faces pass across the screen.   Like during the end of the webcam, I felt if I could help I would accept this.  But I begged you to cut it off after that.  I wanted to reassure people that they had nothing to fear from me, though I certainly did not always act up to that ideal.   I had no ill will toward all English people, just monarchies, and the queen is a very easy target, as is the murderous Charles.  But  I felt them so far away from me that what did it matter what I wrote.   When the queen came onto bbc saying we have to stop this, I thought she meant my criticizing of her.   I was not happy to see her gold stolen...

I guess if it was going directly to some great cause, fine, but to steal it like a criminal.. No.  Robin Hood is one thing, and this is what must happen with the trillionaires.  We must all be Robin Hoods.

I do not know how much good it does to bring up the past, the places I wish I had acted differently tend to haunt me enough without my entertaining them for sport.   I try to keep my mind focused more on how to salvage what I can of any allies who will leave behind their racism, and all their isms, and treat people how they treat you, and others.  Who on this earth can say they would want to be in the position of the Palestinians?    No one.  The crimes there are allowed because of the USA.  We protect this small country because many of our rich, and politicians, are Jewish.  And AIPAC.  I understand wanting to be heard, but they have gained too much power, and are imposing their will on the world in our name.  I do not want to see the Jewish people suffer, either... and what the Zionists are doing sets back religious relationships about a hundred years, in most places.  The states will come slower because the media is Jewish owned.

I DO NOT and never will be on the side of the bankers, but they are not all Jewish.  I did not notice the Jews being a big player in the game when I was at the top, they were someone I tried to protect.  I would not have protected all their behavior, as I did not...   I criticized all kinds of people never thinking it made any difference.  And it did.  Later...

I was made to feel insignificant, at a very dangerous time for such a perception.

The grand plans blew up in their face.  One moral man stood up to the armies of the earth.  Though I was awakened too early, too ignorant, to do anything more than the will of God...  things that seemed like errors became my greatest strength.  ASKING TO BE BURNED, and thinking no one would react and then seeing this huge blast of criticism from every show... it was astounding.  That was when the view people had of me came home, in a the mildest of ways... and I was appalled, but still astounded and humbled that all these people took part in something of that magnitude..  and from this I was able to feel the sordid sinking feeling that this was just a fucking webcam show to people... not my life... not ruling the world... nothing.    Just nothing...

I no longer cared about anyone at that point.  I hated everyone on television in a way, and forgave them, too.  I did not want them hurt, until later, when I realized they wanted a fight and I could give them one... in fact, they needed one, to be challenged.  They need a lot more to be honest.   Now that I know more though I realize that is probably impossible.

I would rather write about religion in a way, but I do not know what to add to religion?  The great questions have been asked and answered since the beginning of time, never satisfactorily enough not to be replaced.