The Hints they gave Me of What the Church of the New Christ did..

I have very little clue as to the day to day of the group who followed me, other than that many were religious, political, revolutionary, military... the different periods drew different crowds to the webcams in which I was displayed, like a free in a show you could pull up on your computer.  A guy who a lot of people believed was God, this mass murderer in Chicago was getting away with... murder after murder.  A madman who terrorized the world, threatening supernatural attacks, calls for nukes ....  Lord, when I think now how everyone seemed like my enemy,  I understand now.

I do not think I have ever properly expressed how much I hated being filmed, how I had to adjust my life to this presence, which was having actual effects on what happened on my tv, and sometimes in the city.... always surprising the hell out of me.   I figured if I was getting my ass kicked stuck in this shitty life, the world was my enemy.  Something was horribly wrong and I would fight it at all costs.  No matter what army marched behind me, I wanted the heads of the leaders.    I wanted conversion to sanity, and a great change... but I was just a guy who got bigger than his britches in a way, and then only out of ignorance.    I wanted everyone to like me, so I defended myself against any and all charges, though I also have a tempter and challenging me pissed me off back then.   I was at war. and you were looking at a creature, who still believes I am here to cleanse this planet of all life, to draw the fires of the earth to the surface, and make the sky itself your enemy, white walls of exploding lightening....

There are things which have developed into my religion.    I used to often think about this, am I here to save people or end the world?   If I am here to end the world, as my vision, one of the three I trust, showed me...  it makes sense.   I know when I created the flood here in Chicago it was out of rage.  Love or Hate will win.   I have a scale, and humanity right now has a huge pile of bloody Gold weighting down the hate side.   Love I think could cause to thousand years of peace....   but this earth does not have ten thousand years of life left, from what  I can tell.  A hundred years of civilization, maybe a thousand years plus of hold outs living underground hoping aliens will save them or something.   I do not care about all this speculation, though I use it to house my spiritual experiences.

I do not know how to address you.  You saw me at my worst, and I performed for you I suppose at times, having nothing better to do.  I would not have yelled FIRE in the movies quite so often if ever had I realized the reaction.  What do any of these words mean?   They mean I am not going to let the evil in this destroy my message.  The kings of lies will melt away before the flames of fire on my sword.  I want to believe the religions that once came to me in a trance of poetry...  I can feel that part of me, back there filled with a few words, the universe within me.

I do not know if there is any reason to leave scripture.   Who will it be for?   A band aide for those of us who will witness the end of the world, the collapse of civilizations and economics.  Not even that.  I am not providing a distraction,

I heard something about going daily and studying me.   Watching me all the time, associated with the word yellow and all life being art.   I made some art of my life, I suppose, because there was nothing else I could do to fight back.   I was fighting when I would not have been most of the time, though my morality has not changed during any of this.  I have the same feelings hating injustice as I did going into this, and that I became he poster boy for being unjust shows me how well they hide me among their words.    I have not always acted as I wish I had, surely...   though had they not sent embarrassing video of me out to the world, I would never have found out what was really going on in this world, and would have still been being used by people I probably would not be backing if I knew more.    No one has ever provided me more than vague examinations of the groups, and often I learned from their critics, who had their own agenda.

I believed lies about you, too....  I get it.   I however am not going to allow them to have my name.  They do not get to dismiss me as anti semitic, after how close the Jewish Psalms got me to joining the religion, which would have been a major mistake, throwing me into a lot of battles that are beside the point, and to be in a religion that brought Jesus, and the one Jesus brought, is all the difference in the world to me.   I was given this religion for a reason, obviously.   The catholic part, helping them, and they needed it, I was told, after I accidently got all these people to become Mormons.   I was kind of mad at the Catholics, thinking they were holding me jailed, because of those being the hospitals involved.   I was in no condition to be dealing with the things I was.

I do not like to think of what was witnessed by people who watched my life.  The overwhelming shame is too much to bother mucking about.   I have other pain that is more worthy.  I cannot apologize enough for causing you the feelings I did, though all it would have taken was to let me know what was happening....

Are there those of you who God has allowed to see me after the words piled around me by the ones who would no moral voice arose?