Supernatural

Do you consider my believing the atmosphere will die a true apocalypse?    Is this the message with chuck appearing as a distant asshole, which I have hardly been and have never meant to abandon you in any fight, had I known there was anything in my power to do so.  I do not expect to be an influencer, and if I am looked at as magical n any way that makes me not a seeker of truth and justice not the defense for the sins of my time.  My point is and should have always been, there is one greater than I and look for him, not me.

I am nothing but a message.  Not even a messenger with another life, who will deliver other messages.  I am the message.  I am here.  Life is over.  I will hopefully not live to see it.  I do not want and will not be the cause of it, that is a vow I do not have to take, just true.




I keep hearing Sam saying I consider them just a show.  I think the way people face this sinking ship will us my mission.   Ushering people into the end, Gabriel blowing his horn...   I write this because of the show, Dominion.   The evil angels...  a spy tells me these are my people, what happened to them, become carnivorous murderers.
There is nothing to laugh about when it comes to some people.

I do not care what GOD has put you thru.  I was not part of that decision, or they never would have been made.  A man is all I ever prepared to be, and is all I know how to be.  All I am meant to be.  God's drive people mad with their presence, and they deserve worship no more than celebrities.  SMART celebrities keep this in mind their entire careers.

When I read now of celebrities I should have sympathy always.  They have all been used or forced to make impossible choices, long before I came along and thought I could offer a way out.  A means to end the churning out of lie after lie until I realize, perhaps, the mental health of the world depends on keeping the future a secret.  The apocalypse is not longer a fever dream, something I had a vision of...  I could no more imagine myself truly wanting to harm anyone let alone the world.  I had an active fantasy life, got out my frustrations, my suicidal thoughts, by projecting harm on others, usually evil.  Though they could as easily be someone who said or did something I wish they had not and I wanted the story to end with my kicking their ass...  so I made a few of those stories up over the years, lived my own story, creating what I hoped would be the better part of what was said of me, when I was famous, which I always expected to be than gave up on that, just when it happened.  I did not do well with the mind they gave me, of course.

I believed my own press.  My own feelings.  My mind.  I went a place that has nothing to do with this material world, which makes it seem fleeting as a flash of light at night. Souls themselves creatures of great beauty, untouchable by this experience, learning or caught or...  I am not sure why we are here.  Perhaps we were trapped, by the life forms on these planets, and we are souls.   Only the destruction of the planet would free us, as it had before, from other planets.   Controlled by a timeless immortality what looks to as a long time gives humans a blip of the last era to destroy things.   A bomb lit and tossed at life, to destroy what our dna created survival instinct holds so dear.  Maybe kindly aliens passed, took the apes, made them patriarchal and cruel and sent the out to think up a way to kill all life -- their ancient enemies, the seas and the forests, finally vanquished...  man versus nature has their winner.  One of the six prime plots in literature is there for a reason, deep and unknowable in all but speculation.

Nothing is just a show to me and I think about these matters all the time, when I appear to be sleeping, and in between the naps, the ground I have to cover if large, making sense of everything I saw and heard with my new knowledge.  I am glad my memory was triggered, heightened, as if I had a danger to identify and must never forget, during most of the later encounters.  During the early ones, I have trouble with some memories simply because playing them through is so emotionally difficult that without good reason, I do not add to the too much already on my plate.

Or I rationalize, because I have caused so much pain....   I do not wish to do so again.  This is not my way.  I wish I did not feel that everyone hates me.  I wish I did not feel that they have a right to in too many ways.   Not knowing is not enough.  Pretending is what I have been doing for quite some time.  Keeping the real me deeply buried under a cover, all the way pretending to break one cover.   I am not the type to plan too far ahead.  I see only disaster when I do.


Angel down.   The president nor anyone else is in danger of a terrorist with nuclear bombs scattered around this country.  NO ONE.  Stop taking what I write and blowing everything out or proportion....


What I would like you to think and what you need fear are two different matters in one way -- I am not an idiot.   I do not want to fucking hurt anyone.  You are murderers.  I was mistaken for one, and brainwashed into one.  But I am a killer.   There is a huge, huge difference.  God will decide which is which in all our cases, though I do not fear the Judgement of my maker for my past I do for my Future, as I ALWAYS have...  I cannot look there anymore except to plan the non violent, a way that does not involve mass suicides or murder or any of the messes people will start to bring up.       We must be the shepards who stayed with their flock when there was no hope of winning, to give them courage, hope... and however slim, a chance...  one chance in hell is better than none.  I hear every soul in hell clamoring that immortality in pain opposed to one chance...   whether real or not.

KEEP ENOUGH or YOUR EVEN ILL BEGOTTEN GAINS to have peace.  We will set the limits fair and give you more than enough for a life of luxurious leisure.  What more can you ask of us?  To allow the poor to die?   To fight in another senseless war.  Yes, we will lose.  You will be hurt though and maybe only a pyhricc victory will await you....  though I personally do not wish to waste lives, efforts, or resources on fighting, at a time when they will precious to survival itself.


I had a vision the other day, or this very wide way of thinking, where I could almost feel the books opening all over my unconscious, releasing the bits of knowledge that would blend with others in my unconscious, to finally try to translate down into the words used by my consciousness.  I felt only a poem of a few words could do that.   I was wrong.  Plans need to be clearly explained, laws there for all.   There should never be rank.  Rank is rank.  There has to be people in charge, but I hope they are soft spoken and kind hearted.

I once said I needed hard people to do this work.  What work?   Revolting.  I thought.  Other times I must have been lost in …  a dream.  A way of trying to do what?


Years of being in a drama, you in tv and movie sweated and fought and schemed and raged, rightly so, to fight.  A theocracy could not and should not be allowed in any way.  All religions and no religion is acceptable to me.  Especially when they leave all but their ethics behind, when they concentrate on working on our sinking ship together.  When the ship is sinking you put all your differences aside and try to stay afloat.

I do not want to head off to starve in a life raft, or become dinner for another boat.  I cannot imagine what has been gone thru to make socialism a near reality in the usa.  tRump will run against this all he can, which the dem's fear will lead to a win, so they are going with Biden, hoping his buddy Obama will come thru in the end.  well, knows he will.  He looks so good to non discerning eye compared to trump as the same wars rage.








my words come as poetry whether I mean them to or not
the paragraphs do not want to hold together

line breaks appear mid sentence at times

the thoughts are more a net tossed in air
than a picture of the catch


I am unable to function as a writer of these kind of words anymore.

Something is broken.

In my mind.'

Fixable surely.
























































 










I have never meant to abandon you.  I do not know your situation, or I would help.  Do you think I have been ignoring the  shadow world, taking the red pill for awhile?   I guess I was now that I think about this and you are right to criticize me.  I should be speaking now directly to those who have been there.  Why I utilize my time interacting with people who are not witting?   It is illogical now that I think about it....

But this does not mean my thoughts were not elsewhere most of the time.  If you could see inside my head you would find I examine your shows over and over and certain lines I heard echo in my mind always, the criticisms mostly, because they stung and when I saw the truth in them... I felt I was able to alter my behavior somewhat...  but Mostly, I have not felt like there was anyone out there who wanted me much but dead, then I find this not to be true once again.  This famous guy you speak of is not the person who is sitting here.   I had my parade and I walked by it selfishly, the carefully planned parade that wanted to be seen by this deity,  I applauded the Jessie... acrobats and the cops and then walked on to our meeting.   I wanted to change the world, not be worshiped, not to be an icon.

I did not mean to harm your sensibilities the way that I have.   I would never have hurt your feelings if all of this was entirely real to me.  For some reason, God placed me at a distance from this world and there is probably a very good reason for that.  I am weak.   I am at my best when God keeps me from temptation, as he does.. she does.. God was more of an it, to our rules of grammar, but this God did not feel like anything to me, just was glimpsed, though the God in my heart, the one I used to talk aloud to as a friend a lot of times in the past...  is just Love.  The sex does not enter my mind at all and writing the same occurs...   SO MANY stupid  digreessions.




I admit to you, I should have been more alarmed by what you were trying to tell me.  I am sorry.  I have been cocooned in a way, going along with the general mindset, the unwitting, talking stupidly of politics, knowing what I KNOW about that.

I just thought, the man of letters, and how...

I do think of the awesome effort that the television crews did, now....  I am grateful to them for what they looked for in the beginning, before I felt the world had become my enemy, not understanding yet the nature of those watching me, let alone their circumstances.

I was mistaken for a madman by all of you.   I was acting at times because I felt it was my only way o fighting back against a force too large for me to comprehend.   If only I had not been locked in this prison, looking out at what you were trying to tell me in a fictionalized, usually, format.  I felt intruded on, and you were watching someone God only knows who was making money off....  I was driven half crazy going from thinking one thing was going on and then another.....  when I discovered this thing had made me famous, I thought this might be a good thing....  but no, it sure as fuck was not.



I am so overwhelmed by the thought of all the effort that was put into this endeavor....  a revolution that must never stop standing back up after being knocked down, until the day comes we stand over our fallen enemy.