In these reckless moments

     I remain in my unreal, 'normal,' life still trying to show support and use our powers correctly, with premeditation, not fury...  somber decisions.   I would have been somber, had you not brainwashed me into a screaming maniac.  Do you fear what you created?  I do not wish to be feared.  The doctor's monster, pieced together by the bodies of killers, torturers...   my part in this creation is not entirely dictated by my past.  People say they have changed, well I have.

I cannot stand the idea people saw me put my cat to sleep.   The act was one of the worst moments of my life, but I wanted to stop his agony.  I knew his death was coming and it was going to be after hours of pain, and poking and prodding and being freaked out, or here and just over.   I made this decision and it is hard to live with.  I would never do it again, or recommend this to anyone.  I have used this to learn what I can of what some went thru, killing what they love.

I would never ask of anyone to kill their parents simply because there is an idea of Heaven and …  wrote a short story about a young couple who just messed up their life, from the newspaper....  Metaphor for the stupidity of youth.   Not a way to live...   I am so different than you see me, and should have explained myself more.

I did not know what to say to what I saw on the news and etc...   I did not know my words were making people tremble and quake.  I meant to put fear in the heart of some enemy I did not quite understand?   I seemed to have no power, yet am being told I controlled great events.

I fell for this...  coming to my senses of the magnitude when I was writing at times....  though my revolution was fictional, in the future, we needed it now and you out there who asked me what was my plan?   To turn the country as left as possible, to rally youth, to play in the matrix.  A passion play that would have went nowhere.  Others had their plans for me, obviously, the elaborate hoax or the alien dna or maybe, just maybe, a creature once named Jesus, to some.   A creature who has described himself, metaphorically, as the God of many masks.  Much has been made of that, though the narrative fits well.     I can see by the acts taken in the name of this creature, though, that the UNHOLY ICON I feared becoming, is just I am... to some.


I regret this.  I will not strike out in vengeance, for revenge, being disagreed with, hated, etc.   I do not know all that you have been through, what I could and could not change during all of this.  Had I any idea, they would have discarded me somewhere along the way.  Instead, God granted me his Grace to miraculously live in the face of great hatred and criticism.   I get it.  I do not want the creation you speak of to be an influencer.

I have my reasons, and you have yours.   I will never be defined by your words objectively, anymore than I can be objective.  Though at the moment at least I do not know the extent of the damage done to people or the strength of the movement we have going, though in both I sense and know there is so much more that I should know, though I do not wish to know more reasons for being hated, I of course need to know.   I thank my critics.

I still get pissed at some lies.   I do not know who was in charge of getting soldiers slaughtered, or why, or even that my thing with England had gone further than something I thought was funny.   I had never cared at all about the Royal family.  Just figure heads, though now I understand that a good force, with that money, could do a lot.   I do not know what kind of forces were all involved, but to think I would let soldiers be slaughtered....   shows you know nothing about me.   I stopped criticizing the royals because money was stolen from them, and I AM NOT A PIRATE,   If that had entered into my plan I would have been much more judicious about what was done with the money -- not to mention, Jesus had no need of money, and Johnny Pain still thought he was going to have a career when this ended.   I think now of ways I could have used the money properly, but basically I would give it back or use it for the revolution...  but I would not break anyone over this shit.

I learned from you.  I watched what YOU WERE DOING feeling like I had nothing much to do with it.  When I was spoken to directly thru the tv I had no idea how to respond.  I felt like no one was fucking explaining this shit to me, and I did not want people watching me, etc...  it was the oddest... then I tried to take advantage of the situation, I suppose.   I said a lot of things I wish I had not.  Being offensive was a schtick not who I am.  I can be hard if it comes to that.    I learned with Scout that I can do the right thing even if it looks wrong... even if others do not understand how much I love that cat.   He was so great, and so young... but I used cheap bug spray in that apartment.. and killed three cats over ROACHES...   I am sure of it  One ate rat poisonings a fool put out at my old apartment.

Only Buk lived a long life.   I do not take this failing lightly at all.  I am broken up inside everytime I think of him I see his face dead with his mouth open, teeth showing...   how you stopped me from ever crying again with your adolescent, tough guy bullshit.

I know it is healthy to cry.  I NEVER CRIED though... that was my thing, so it was a wonderful release when I did, because a lot had happened to cry over... living in this pain, has been hellish at times.  Now it is gone.

Inside, the pain is intense, there is just no release... no screaming and ranting and swearing at God, as I did when my Yeats passed away.  The first of my all their lives cats.   I have failed them so badly.


I have to just not think about them, and take care in the future....  I hate admitting all of this....  but I have to look at the mistakes.   I have to stop making them.   I kept him from roach spray, etc...  the bedbug stuff though, and the spraying before, everything.. God I know nothing...  though I seem to get the same two personalities with every two cats I get, and if he is out there, maybe he comes back.  He did not suffer long.


I had to address this because you saw this... and I do not trust you to fill in the narrative inside of my mind, the context his death has in my life, why I did it....   this is not my way, or who I am.   I regret this all to hell.  I could do it again...

I had called for the cab and then left that stupid  ass phone off the hook...   then taking him out and...  I am an idiot.



I see why old people in the cab always were saying they did not want anymore pets because the deaths were so hard on them.  Pauper I usually am, or bad with money in this case, I did not take them in for check ups that might have saved him.   I need to take shadow in....




You do not need  A SHADOW PATH....  as you once said on cbs….   escaping this vicinity will not help.   There had to be safe guards in place in case this city is Nuked.   A pre-emptive strike had to be taken into consideration.  They do that and someplace else must crumble....


I wrote of taking out their underground facilities, makin our victory inflicting misery on those who caused this.  Revenge.   I do not care about that now.  Now I pray we can collectively make some decisions for the common welfare because this thought becomes passe'.

I know these are more journals than blog entries...…   I do not have a lot to say, because I do not know my audience.