Do you consider my believing the atmosphere will die a true apocalypse? Is this the message with chuck appearing as a distant asshole, which I have hardly been and have never meant to abandon you in any fight, had I known there was anything in my power to do so. I do not expect to be an influencer, and if I am looked at as magical n any way that makes me not a seeker of truth and justice not the defense for the sins of my time. My point is and should have always been, there is one greater than I and look for him, not me.
I am nothing but a message. Not even a messenger with another life, who will deliver other messages. I am the message. I am here. Life is over. I will hopefully not live to see it. I do not want and will not be the cause of it, that is a vow I do not have to take, just true.
I keep hearing Sam saying I consider them just a show. I think the way people face this sinking ship will us my mission. Ushering people into the end, Gabriel blowing his horn... I write this because of the show, Dominion. The evil angels... a spy tells me these are my people, what happened to them, become carnivorous murderers.
There is nothing to laugh about when it comes to some people.
I do not care what GOD has put you thru. I was not part of that decision, or they never would have been made. A man is all I ever prepared to be, and is all I know how to be. All I am meant to be. God's drive people mad with their presence, and they deserve worship no more than celebrities. SMART celebrities keep this in mind their entire careers.
When I read now of celebrities I should have sympathy always. They have all been used or forced to make impossible choices, long before I came along and thought I could offer a way out. A means to end the churning out of lie after lie until I realize, perhaps, the mental health of the world depends on keeping the future a secret. The apocalypse is not longer a fever dream, something I had a vision of... I could no more imagine myself truly wanting to harm anyone let alone the world. I had an active fantasy life, got out my frustrations, my suicidal thoughts, by projecting harm on others, usually evil. Though they could as easily be someone who said or did something I wish they had not and I wanted the story to end with my kicking their ass... so I made a few of those stories up over the years, lived my own story, creating what I hoped would be the better part of what was said of me, when I was famous, which I always expected to be than gave up on that, just when it happened. I did not do well with the mind they gave me, of course.
I believed my own press. My own feelings. My mind. I went a place that has nothing to do with this material world, which makes it seem fleeting as a flash of light at night. Souls themselves creatures of great beauty, untouchable by this experience, learning or caught or... I am not sure why we are here. Perhaps we were trapped, by the life forms on these planets, and we are souls. Only the destruction of the planet would free us, as it had before, from other planets. Controlled by a timeless immortality what looks to as a long time gives humans a blip of the last era to destroy things. A bomb lit and tossed at life, to destroy what our dna created survival instinct holds so dear. Maybe kindly aliens passed, took the apes, made them patriarchal and cruel and sent the out to think up a way to kill all life -- their ancient enemies, the seas and the forests, finally vanquished... man versus nature has their winner. One of the six prime plots in literature is there for a reason, deep and unknowable in all but speculation.
Nothing is just a show to me and I think about these matters all the time, when I appear to be sleeping, and in between the naps, the ground I have to cover if large, making sense of everything I saw and heard with my new knowledge. I am glad my memory was triggered, heightened, as if I had a danger to identify and must never forget, during most of the later encounters. During the early ones, I have trouble with some memories simply because playing them through is so emotionally difficult that without good reason, I do not add to the too much already on my plate.
Or I rationalize, because I have caused so much pain.... I do not wish to do so again. This is not my way. I wish I did not feel that everyone hates me. I wish I did not feel that they have a right to in too many ways. Not knowing is not enough. Pretending is what I have been doing for quite some time. Keeping the real me deeply buried under a cover, all the way pretending to break one cover. I am not the type to plan too far ahead. I see only disaster when I do.
Angel down. The president nor anyone else is in danger of a terrorist with nuclear bombs scattered around this country. NO ONE. Stop taking what I write and blowing everything out or proportion....
What I would like you to think and what you need fear are two different matters in one way -- I am not an idiot. I do not want to fucking hurt anyone. You are murderers. I was mistaken for one, and brainwashed into one. But I am a killer. There is a huge, huge difference. God will decide which is which in all our cases, though I do not fear the Judgement of my maker for my past I do for my Future, as I ALWAYS have... I cannot look there anymore except to plan the non violent, a way that does not involve mass suicides or murder or any of the messes people will start to bring up. We must be the shepards who stayed with their flock when there was no hope of winning, to give them courage, hope... and however slim, a chance... one chance in hell is better than none. I hear every soul in hell clamoring that immortality in pain opposed to one chance... whether real or not.
KEEP ENOUGH or YOUR EVEN ILL BEGOTTEN GAINS to have peace. We will set the limits fair and give you more than enough for a life of luxurious leisure. What more can you ask of us? To allow the poor to die? To fight in another senseless war. Yes, we will lose. You will be hurt though and maybe only a pyhricc victory will await you.... though I personally do not wish to waste lives, efforts, or resources on fighting, at a time when they will precious to survival itself.
I had a vision the other day, or this very wide way of thinking, where I could almost feel the books opening all over my unconscious, releasing the bits of knowledge that would blend with others in my unconscious, to finally try to translate down into the words used by my consciousness. I felt only a poem of a few words could do that. I was wrong. Plans need to be clearly explained, laws there for all. There should never be rank. Rank is rank. There has to be people in charge, but I hope they are soft spoken and kind hearted.
I once said I needed hard people to do this work. What work? Revolting. I thought. Other times I must have been lost in … a dream. A way of trying to do what?
Years of being in a drama, you in tv and movie sweated and fought and schemed and raged, rightly so, to fight. A theocracy could not and should not be allowed in any way. All religions and no religion is acceptable to me. Especially when they leave all but their ethics behind, when they concentrate on working on our sinking ship together. When the ship is sinking you put all your differences aside and try to stay afloat.
I do not want to head off to starve in a life raft, or become dinner for another boat. I cannot imagine what has been gone thru to make socialism a near reality in the usa. tRump will run against this all he can, which the dem's fear will lead to a win, so they are going with Biden, hoping his buddy Obama will come thru in the end. well, knows he will. He looks so good to non discerning eye compared to trump as the same wars rage.
my words come as poetry whether I mean them to or not
the paragraphs do not want to hold together
line breaks appear mid sentence at times
the thoughts are more a net tossed in air
than a picture of the catch
I am unable to function as a writer of these kind of words anymore.
Something is broken.
In my mind.'
Fixable surely.
I have never meant to abandon you. I do not know your situation, or I would help. Do you think I have been ignoring the shadow world, taking the red pill for awhile? I guess I was now that I think about this and you are right to criticize me. I should be speaking now directly to those who have been there. Why I utilize my time interacting with people who are not witting? It is illogical now that I think about it....
But this does not mean my thoughts were not elsewhere most of the time. If you could see inside my head you would find I examine your shows over and over and certain lines I heard echo in my mind always, the criticisms mostly, because they stung and when I saw the truth in them... I felt I was able to alter my behavior somewhat... but Mostly, I have not felt like there was anyone out there who wanted me much but dead, then I find this not to be true once again. This famous guy you speak of is not the person who is sitting here. I had my parade and I walked by it selfishly, the carefully planned parade that wanted to be seen by this deity, I applauded the Jessie... acrobats and the cops and then walked on to our meeting. I wanted to change the world, not be worshiped, not to be an icon.
I did not mean to harm your sensibilities the way that I have. I would never have hurt your feelings if all of this was entirely real to me. For some reason, God placed me at a distance from this world and there is probably a very good reason for that. I am weak. I am at my best when God keeps me from temptation, as he does.. she does.. God was more of an it, to our rules of grammar, but this God did not feel like anything to me, just was glimpsed, though the God in my heart, the one I used to talk aloud to as a friend a lot of times in the past... is just Love. The sex does not enter my mind at all and writing the same occurs... SO MANY stupid digreessions.
I admit to you, I should have been more alarmed by what you were trying to tell me. I am sorry. I have been cocooned in a way, going along with the general mindset, the unwitting, talking stupidly of politics, knowing what I KNOW about that.
I just thought, the man of letters, and how...
I do think of the awesome effort that the television crews did, now.... I am grateful to them for what they looked for in the beginning, before I felt the world had become my enemy, not understanding yet the nature of those watching me, let alone their circumstances.
I was mistaken for a madman by all of you. I was acting at times because I felt it was my only way o fighting back against a force too large for me to comprehend. If only I had not been locked in this prison, looking out at what you were trying to tell me in a fictionalized, usually, format. I felt intruded on, and you were watching someone God only knows who was making money off.... I was driven half crazy going from thinking one thing was going on and then another..... when I discovered this thing had made me famous, I thought this might be a good thing.... but no, it sure as fuck was not.
I am so overwhelmed by the thought of all the effort that was put into this endeavor.... a revolution that must never stop standing back up after being knocked down, until the day comes we stand over our fallen enemy.
During my intelligence work, and life, I guess . . . I came to be the accidental leader of a cult; acolytes they called themselves in the end. This is as much of that story as I can tell.
Friday, September 6, 2019
Friday, August 23, 2019
Preliminary TENETS FOR THE WOSHIP AT THE CHURCH, GOD'S LOVE.
GOD'S LOVE
This is the name I have chosen to start calling my Church. Once people built a false church around me, made me into a Christ who was being controlled by skilled artists at brain washing, which as of 1922 could insert a personality that did not know about his real personality, WHEN they made him a communist so he could join and not even remember, until they brought back the soldier, ... we were a bloody lot simply because I was not let in on the chain of command, it was assumed my earlier writing was used against my intent... and though it may not look to it to the people who died or were damaged or... I cannot begin to imagine all that people went through, though at one point I was threatened with all these bizarre forms of torture that had vague ties to things I had written about, and I was assured, by the hatred in the eyes of those accusing me, that they had been tortured.
That was when they wanted me to join the race war and I basically told people that I would have nothing to do with it, having no idea one had been raging... and that three acts of my behavior, were told by whomever to whomever, that I wanted a race war. I was not about to be distracted by a race war, when my true target was the oligarchy, who need to pay enough taxes to fix this country, or cut the military budget by fifty percent, from sixty percent, which would still give us the largest percentage of taxes going to war -- or more specifically, the coins are going to the aristocracy, the war profiteers -- another reason they hate me is because I would make profiting off war illegal. I would force industry during this period to work at cost, cut executive bonuses to nothing, and even their wages; we need to socialize the damn banks.
You can say what ever political formula you use to define the events of the world, but I believe every political formula is a fiction, and only the force produced is real, as it says in Irregular Modern Warfare. In the USA we need a co-olition of the working class, who has not been co opted by the elite, or offered a space in the underground facilities where they will be housed, when the disease is spread to kill most of the planet. Seven Billion was the amount I read, and Ebola seems to be the disease they will use -- typical of intelligence to give people a horrible death, where you shit out all your blood and die. I lost a lot of blood once, enough that I would feel my intestines and shit touching nerves they never had, man... I was screaming until they just knocked me out with morphine. I was puking bright red blood, and spewing it into a bed pan. An artery had been accidentally cut open in my intestines and at the time this meant you died, one hundred percent of the time. I bled through all my blood Type in Bowling Green and Toledo, Ohio, and was getting it poured in from Detroit but it was just going back out. That same night one of my best friends from childhood, my oldest friend... Killed himself. He died, and I miraculously got better.
I used to wonder if there was a connection but now I have faith that I have a mission, and it will be a religious book that implores PEACE AND DEMANDS JUSTICE, EQUALITY, AND THE RIGHTS FOR CRITICS TO EXPOSE OR MOCK anyone. A leader who is afraid of what the artists will say about them should not be in command. A leader wants criticism from their enemies, because they will
The basic outline I of a religion is based on facts as they know them, which group is going to manipulate them, whether they are created to make profits or prophets -- most of which are egomaniacs and quite a few predators, for a priest is a prophet to a child. True prophets you will not find in this time of tribulations. The world is filled with the lies of war. LAW ABIDING allows truth. Criminality kills truth. Very simple.
People are going to lie and there are times when it is easier to just go along, when honesty is in-needed and cruel, even. There are other times when telling the truth is essential. There are things I wish to be told the truth about, and would to another, no matter how many people, including myself, get hurt. The truth is often taken as another meaningless lie in this ocean of wave after wave of lies.
BASIC TENETS.
NO JUDGEMENTS AGAINST PEOPLE BASED ON STEREOTYPES.
NO JUDGEMENTS AGAINST ADULTS WHO DO AS THEY WILL IN BED
NO JUDGEMENTS FOR SOLDIERS WHEN THEY COME HOME FROM THE WARS
THE GOLDEN RULE is the basis for all social, business, ecological, etc... behavior. What we strive for and then learn the benefits of and revel in the change. This will cause a great leap forward in the sharing of technologies, ecological disaster teams, like should be converging on Japan's leaking Nuclear Reactor now, before the damage done is irreversible. Or perhaps it is and no one wants to panic the world. We played with fire, and the forest burned down.... humans all evacuated, animals dead.
The church will first stop war through basic civil disobedience backed up by a very selective, sniper oriented, group that will go after the hardest of targets, until our enemy, spread out as they are all over the world, or living underground, or close to their silos, and thus subject to easily being trapped by setting off a few nuclear warheads way down deep. Cause a rare earthquake in Washington, D.C. perhaps, as happened before, just before, in fact, two movies came out about the white house being taken over, and the tours of the White House stopped, for budget reasons they said.
The government needs to be kept intact to a degree, replaced, but still a system that all people can basically agree that if it were honest, would certainly be someplace to start creating new times, of the new scientific realities, and the freedom of the individual from subtle mind control, and allowing them to confront the truths the Aristocracy took it on themselves to hide from everyone else. Not out of any good hearted impulses, just so they could save themselves first, before the peasants had a chance to revolt and mess up their plans.
This is very difficult for me to write in 2017 when my belief in human life and society withstanding the travails to come is .... well, I write with no hope that the life of the flesh is eternal, like the old time writers who read authors from hundreds of years before, and wanted to be one of them. Now I must write for the presence if there is going to be any hope for the future... well, I make my words out to be more important than they are, but this is the goal at least. Others would have to do the hard physical work, this I cannot help, with my ill health -- spinal problems that cause pain and massive side effects from a plethora of pain and anxiety and ... pills. I need them and hate them a hell of a lot more than I like them. Went without such things for most of my life, to avoid addiction, then ended up having to be addicted to them to function. Irony. And a wish come true I did not mean to, like too many others, from my adolescence manifests, when I wanted to just do downers and smoke weed all the time, thinking then I could function in this world as an artist. This happened and to a degree of four books and a lot of half ass paintings, though chaotically and nothing I would want to repeat. I do much better when I am in control, as I am now.
My rule on drugs has always been I am not going to dam you for doing drugs, even though I am sure your life would be happier without some of them, though maybe not. I just do not wish to judge their drinking. I am a terrible drinker so I do not do it. I am terrible when I take too much Xanax or valium... black out and get drunk as hell and mean at times. I have these demons just under my veneer, which I try to make friendly, interested... though I often look depressed and stressed and in pain because they are my primary states of being at this time, along with occasional good feelings, as well...
I distract myself as much as possible from the intelligence activities that cost GOD only knows how many lives.... I do not want to think about the past, but unless I am involved in another train of thought or a movie or writing a short story, lately, about a life altogether different than mine, and getting to feel like they might for a bit, instead of how a character based on my life would be.
More irony or knowing it would happen to me or setting up my destiny or writing down what I would create in this universe --- I would add chance but this kind of thing has happened so many thousands of times in my life that coincidence no longer scientifically makes sense --- my first book has a PTSD before they called it that horror from the things he did in war, including pedophilia... and much worse, that was based on true stories of the navy seals, raping women to death, as a lecturer did in a military intelligence class. Asked how he deals with what he went thru, he said I drink a lot, then took a sip from a can under the podium. I can now imagine how tortured he was in a way.
Actually engaged in the combat and the horror show rapes to try to get the villagers to stop supporting the Vietcong, yet they ruled at night and would kill more of them then the soldiers.... they had no choice at all, but Operation Phoenix pretended they did.
H
This is the name I have chosen to start calling my Church. Once people built a false church around me, made me into a Christ who was being controlled by skilled artists at brain washing, which as of 1922 could insert a personality that did not know about his real personality, WHEN they made him a communist so he could join and not even remember, until they brought back the soldier, ... we were a bloody lot simply because I was not let in on the chain of command, it was assumed my earlier writing was used against my intent... and though it may not look to it to the people who died or were damaged or... I cannot begin to imagine all that people went through, though at one point I was threatened with all these bizarre forms of torture that had vague ties to things I had written about, and I was assured, by the hatred in the eyes of those accusing me, that they had been tortured.
That was when they wanted me to join the race war and I basically told people that I would have nothing to do with it, having no idea one had been raging... and that three acts of my behavior, were told by whomever to whomever, that I wanted a race war. I was not about to be distracted by a race war, when my true target was the oligarchy, who need to pay enough taxes to fix this country, or cut the military budget by fifty percent, from sixty percent, which would still give us the largest percentage of taxes going to war -- or more specifically, the coins are going to the aristocracy, the war profiteers -- another reason they hate me is because I would make profiting off war illegal. I would force industry during this period to work at cost, cut executive bonuses to nothing, and even their wages; we need to socialize the damn banks.
You can say what ever political formula you use to define the events of the world, but I believe every political formula is a fiction, and only the force produced is real, as it says in Irregular Modern Warfare. In the USA we need a co-olition of the working class, who has not been co opted by the elite, or offered a space in the underground facilities where they will be housed, when the disease is spread to kill most of the planet. Seven Billion was the amount I read, and Ebola seems to be the disease they will use -- typical of intelligence to give people a horrible death, where you shit out all your blood and die. I lost a lot of blood once, enough that I would feel my intestines and shit touching nerves they never had, man... I was screaming until they just knocked me out with morphine. I was puking bright red blood, and spewing it into a bed pan. An artery had been accidentally cut open in my intestines and at the time this meant you died, one hundred percent of the time. I bled through all my blood Type in Bowling Green and Toledo, Ohio, and was getting it poured in from Detroit but it was just going back out. That same night one of my best friends from childhood, my oldest friend... Killed himself. He died, and I miraculously got better.
I used to wonder if there was a connection but now I have faith that I have a mission, and it will be a religious book that implores PEACE AND DEMANDS JUSTICE, EQUALITY, AND THE RIGHTS FOR CRITICS TO EXPOSE OR MOCK anyone. A leader who is afraid of what the artists will say about them should not be in command. A leader wants criticism from their enemies, because they will
The basic outline I of a religion is based on facts as they know them, which group is going to manipulate them, whether they are created to make profits or prophets -- most of which are egomaniacs and quite a few predators, for a priest is a prophet to a child. True prophets you will not find in this time of tribulations. The world is filled with the lies of war. LAW ABIDING allows truth. Criminality kills truth. Very simple.
People are going to lie and there are times when it is easier to just go along, when honesty is in-needed and cruel, even. There are other times when telling the truth is essential. There are things I wish to be told the truth about, and would to another, no matter how many people, including myself, get hurt. The truth is often taken as another meaningless lie in this ocean of wave after wave of lies.
BASIC TENETS.
NO JUDGEMENTS AGAINST PEOPLE BASED ON STEREOTYPES.
NO JUDGEMENTS AGAINST ADULTS WHO DO AS THEY WILL IN BED
NO JUDGEMENTS FOR SOLDIERS WHEN THEY COME HOME FROM THE WARS
THE GOLDEN RULE is the basis for all social, business, ecological, etc... behavior. What we strive for and then learn the benefits of and revel in the change. This will cause a great leap forward in the sharing of technologies, ecological disaster teams, like should be converging on Japan's leaking Nuclear Reactor now, before the damage done is irreversible. Or perhaps it is and no one wants to panic the world. We played with fire, and the forest burned down.... humans all evacuated, animals dead.
The church will first stop war through basic civil disobedience backed up by a very selective, sniper oriented, group that will go after the hardest of targets, until our enemy, spread out as they are all over the world, or living underground, or close to their silos, and thus subject to easily being trapped by setting off a few nuclear warheads way down deep. Cause a rare earthquake in Washington, D.C. perhaps, as happened before, just before, in fact, two movies came out about the white house being taken over, and the tours of the White House stopped, for budget reasons they said.
The government needs to be kept intact to a degree, replaced, but still a system that all people can basically agree that if it were honest, would certainly be someplace to start creating new times, of the new scientific realities, and the freedom of the individual from subtle mind control, and allowing them to confront the truths the Aristocracy took it on themselves to hide from everyone else. Not out of any good hearted impulses, just so they could save themselves first, before the peasants had a chance to revolt and mess up their plans.
This is very difficult for me to write in 2017 when my belief in human life and society withstanding the travails to come is .... well, I write with no hope that the life of the flesh is eternal, like the old time writers who read authors from hundreds of years before, and wanted to be one of them. Now I must write for the presence if there is going to be any hope for the future... well, I make my words out to be more important than they are, but this is the goal at least. Others would have to do the hard physical work, this I cannot help, with my ill health -- spinal problems that cause pain and massive side effects from a plethora of pain and anxiety and ... pills. I need them and hate them a hell of a lot more than I like them. Went without such things for most of my life, to avoid addiction, then ended up having to be addicted to them to function. Irony. And a wish come true I did not mean to, like too many others, from my adolescence manifests, when I wanted to just do downers and smoke weed all the time, thinking then I could function in this world as an artist. This happened and to a degree of four books and a lot of half ass paintings, though chaotically and nothing I would want to repeat. I do much better when I am in control, as I am now.
My rule on drugs has always been I am not going to dam you for doing drugs, even though I am sure your life would be happier without some of them, though maybe not. I just do not wish to judge their drinking. I am a terrible drinker so I do not do it. I am terrible when I take too much Xanax or valium... black out and get drunk as hell and mean at times. I have these demons just under my veneer, which I try to make friendly, interested... though I often look depressed and stressed and in pain because they are my primary states of being at this time, along with occasional good feelings, as well...
I distract myself as much as possible from the intelligence activities that cost GOD only knows how many lives.... I do not want to think about the past, but unless I am involved in another train of thought or a movie or writing a short story, lately, about a life altogether different than mine, and getting to feel like they might for a bit, instead of how a character based on my life would be.
More irony or knowing it would happen to me or setting up my destiny or writing down what I would create in this universe --- I would add chance but this kind of thing has happened so many thousands of times in my life that coincidence no longer scientifically makes sense --- my first book has a PTSD before they called it that horror from the things he did in war, including pedophilia... and much worse, that was based on true stories of the navy seals, raping women to death, as a lecturer did in a military intelligence class. Asked how he deals with what he went thru, he said I drink a lot, then took a sip from a can under the podium. I can now imagine how tortured he was in a way.
Actually engaged in the combat and the horror show rapes to try to get the villagers to stop supporting the Vietcong, yet they ruled at night and would kill more of them then the soldiers.... they had no choice at all, but Operation Phoenix pretended they did.
H
How Do I Begin?
I have not attempted to codify what I truly believe. Shifted thru where my mistakes show me a truth, etc... I know this was chaos before when my words tapped into religion. I fear the blind belief. I fear the trust that things will happen without material effort. I fear that all leaders are bad, yet somehow some people seem to almost need them? Or perhaps they just need to learn to live without one?
I know of the limits of free will in this world, the genes that permit a range of behavior from atrocious to saintly. I know that what has happened already will forever taint my image with blood, though I will use this against my enemies, I will still mourn having to wear this mask. I expected just to me. I wanted the writing to speak for itself.
Do I have any right to put another word out into the cesspool? A voice cries NO... then I think of a moment of great honor, when I learned something I had done, of recent, bloodless, I pray, that had made a true difference in the situation in Chicago. I DO not want to go into it, because it is the work of so many others that tossing out an idea hardly makes me a part of the good. I will try to redeem myself for my sins. Of course I have sinned. Mostly in my mind. I do not know if all of the world will care, though I know some do and I believe in them. The UNIONS are hope. A peaceful way. Perhaps if Sanders is elected, get all democrats in the senate and congress and then apply PRESSURE to the hold outs, let the unions thrive. A natural redistribution of wealth if anti scab laws of some sort are put in place. WHATEVER...
I see this and know that I must continue of if I have use, despite the feelings of defeatism, of diminished self expectations, are stones around my neck. I do not want to rule anything was always the point though I finally just wanted to get the hell out from in front of a camera, to no more be asked questions I was not told enough to answer.
Pretty hard to be grateful to your zoo keepers... you never forget you are a prisoner. I know rough world, no room to bitch. No...
But I will not let you drag down the reputations of all those associated with me with your lies. I do not know everything that happened, though I certainly understand this was not a group of psychotic scizophrenics or something. The full range of people from normal to off was there, and planned, ,again, I CAN only imagine. Not my plan. No, they inserted my role for the mission, then I destroyed the damn thing. Then everything really went fucking nuts and if I am right, the fish, the followers of this new Christ, before I knew they existed or what they were doing, were taken out because I changed my password.... after being broken into for the tenth plus time.
I see it in the book, as well... but HOW was I... you know, I see how this all could be a plan, but what I do not understand is if they wanted operation bluebeam, why did they not tell me anything.... it was too maddening. They made me crazy thinking I would then go along. I could not help the medical condition I was in, or how horrible reality became without weed... how it pushed me into trances to write within over and over... suddenly in the Jesus voice, which had been there all along, I imagine. His beliefs my beliefs, etc... just never placed in a religious context. I know the reforms the Catholics could use, but I am not sure it matters... in the large scheme, though if it stops one child from being raped, it is worth it. They say that, I mean it.
I do not know what the fuck I am doing writing …. not a word in my head, feeling drugged to the point of almost asleep.
I know of the limits of free will in this world, the genes that permit a range of behavior from atrocious to saintly. I know that what has happened already will forever taint my image with blood, though I will use this against my enemies, I will still mourn having to wear this mask. I expected just to me. I wanted the writing to speak for itself.
Do I have any right to put another word out into the cesspool? A voice cries NO... then I think of a moment of great honor, when I learned something I had done, of recent, bloodless, I pray, that had made a true difference in the situation in Chicago. I DO not want to go into it, because it is the work of so many others that tossing out an idea hardly makes me a part of the good. I will try to redeem myself for my sins. Of course I have sinned. Mostly in my mind. I do not know if all of the world will care, though I know some do and I believe in them. The UNIONS are hope. A peaceful way. Perhaps if Sanders is elected, get all democrats in the senate and congress and then apply PRESSURE to the hold outs, let the unions thrive. A natural redistribution of wealth if anti scab laws of some sort are put in place. WHATEVER...
I see this and know that I must continue of if I have use, despite the feelings of defeatism, of diminished self expectations, are stones around my neck. I do not want to rule anything was always the point though I finally just wanted to get the hell out from in front of a camera, to no more be asked questions I was not told enough to answer.
Pretty hard to be grateful to your zoo keepers... you never forget you are a prisoner. I know rough world, no room to bitch. No...
But I will not let you drag down the reputations of all those associated with me with your lies. I do not know everything that happened, though I certainly understand this was not a group of psychotic scizophrenics or something. The full range of people from normal to off was there, and planned, ,again, I CAN only imagine. Not my plan. No, they inserted my role for the mission, then I destroyed the damn thing. Then everything really went fucking nuts and if I am right, the fish, the followers of this new Christ, before I knew they existed or what they were doing, were taken out because I changed my password.... after being broken into for the tenth plus time.
I see it in the book, as well... but HOW was I... you know, I see how this all could be a plan, but what I do not understand is if they wanted operation bluebeam, why did they not tell me anything.... it was too maddening. They made me crazy thinking I would then go along. I could not help the medical condition I was in, or how horrible reality became without weed... how it pushed me into trances to write within over and over... suddenly in the Jesus voice, which had been there all along, I imagine. His beliefs my beliefs, etc... just never placed in a religious context. I know the reforms the Catholics could use, but I am not sure it matters... in the large scheme, though if it stops one child from being raped, it is worth it. They say that, I mean it.
I do not know what the fuck I am doing writing …. not a word in my head, feeling drugged to the point of almost asleep.
FREE WILL
Free will. Contextual Truth. Everyone lies and the hypocrites who pretend other sicken me. Of course there are ridiculous extremes; I am not at the point of feeling like I need to tell stories to effect reality, to fictionalize the real events, to make New Journalism my way of interpreting events, in a manner. I had the lying burned out of me when I heard the truth, finally, as the learning curve of truth came my way. Lying before cameras that knew better.... all the embarrassment associated with looking like an ass. The man who described his fantasy violence encounter, just for the hell of it, because a part of him wanted to. I truly wonder now what made me begin to lie?
I fought it. Hated myself for it. Felt lessened. For years I would go over my days looking for every lie, and examining them, in an attempt to stop the habit. I have never felt most lies are a sin, they are one of those things which can go either way. They are required for the fake social contact we have in most societal situations.
I fought it. Hated myself for it. Felt lessened. For years I would go over my days looking for every lie, and examining them, in an attempt to stop the habit. I have never felt most lies are a sin, they are one of those things which can go either way. They are required for the fake social contact we have in most societal situations.
Friday, July 12, 2019
JAPAN
I was angry one day about the dolphin slaughter's in Japan, and have criticized other aspects of their culture, though I am certainly also aware they have wonderful attributes as well, as all people do. I wrote we should nuke them over this.
Back when I was writing back and forth with one woman, a Jew, who I openly was Jesus with... one of the few, I thought, though the magnitude of the audience for my fucking life of course saw all this as well.... I read that two weeks after I wrote this, they had a Tsunami and their nuclear power plant exploded and is killing the Pacific ocean. At the time, thinking that my powers or words did sometimes cause things to happen in the real world, I wondered if my words could have somehow caused this? My sick joke. I know they released 777 tons of radioactive sludge one day, and on my feed appeared an article about this and the comment, WHAT IS WITH THAT?
What was with that is they were blaming me. I also heard at the time that a nuke started that, and I was later informed of cultic uses of the armed forces... wondering, what happened in the world, what drove it so mad? I know a lot of people place a lot of the blame on me, and I accept some, certainly... though every time I have heard of aberrant activity I stopped it. I am not sure who else could have?
I do not to this day know enough about what happened in many ways. A few words spoken half in code are all I would learn about massive operations.... and I was supposed to be giving orders. No, I was tricked into diminishing expectations, surprised every time by the attention.
This is too huge for my mind to handle, if this did come down this way, and God forbid this did, though other things I learned were unimaginable as well.
I would never want people invading my private life. Never. I attacked, tried to drive you away, scare you, etc... I wanted to be free, but your judgements made against me, before I even knew what the hell was going on, are just too much for that. Jailed in your perceptions. I see all the slams on television, got the few in movies. I learned from my critics because my allies had to keep me ignorant so I would go along. When I learned the truth that stopped. I cannot apologize enough for this world, or apologize for all the psycho's who put the mission together that placed me atop a cult.
I am not a disruptor. I was once. I had a lot to learn. I was lighting fires everywhere, with no idea whose house I was burning down, or why.... I saw my words being mimicked thinking wow, they took my criticism of false preachers, and used Castiel, on supernatural, a group that has helped me a lot... I have learned some bitter truths from tv, because evidently, a race war started, and I was a hostage of the blacks. This just sounds like bad fiction.
I see now how I can disagree with their thinking, as long as we agree on behavior... decent behavior, equality, justice... freedom to be an individual.
I wrote of these things many times over the years.... wrote so many things. Could my sick joke have been taken as order, by a group left leaderless, or acting under.... well, I do not know who would be able to make that leap, though the fanaticism that led many to think my comedy was a roadmap for life, or that killing ones parents would be the intent of a slice of life story about a real incident, meant to show their childish thinking, because nothing was ever going to be right again.... murderers, like the people in the real story, I figured they could only get caught. I was trying to write a story a day, in all different voices. Not trying to direct a revolution.
I always look back and wish I had acted differently, but that is like going back in time and making a change and not knowing if things would be better or worse?
I have never ordered, or meant to order, anyone to nuke Japan, or cause a Tsunami.... my religious awe sought patterns, I had criticized them, and occasionally bad things happened to people who I went after, surprising me, and making me think they feared mystical powers, not materialistic might. Later I heard of the real violence, etc... Brainwashed, wounded in my head, my thinking askew.... I thought in religious terms, not in criminal terms. The criminal element in my life came as a surprise really, as did the police and others, everyone...
Back when I was writing back and forth with one woman, a Jew, who I openly was Jesus with... one of the few, I thought, though the magnitude of the audience for my fucking life of course saw all this as well.... I read that two weeks after I wrote this, they had a Tsunami and their nuclear power plant exploded and is killing the Pacific ocean. At the time, thinking that my powers or words did sometimes cause things to happen in the real world, I wondered if my words could have somehow caused this? My sick joke. I know they released 777 tons of radioactive sludge one day, and on my feed appeared an article about this and the comment, WHAT IS WITH THAT?
What was with that is they were blaming me. I also heard at the time that a nuke started that, and I was later informed of cultic uses of the armed forces... wondering, what happened in the world, what drove it so mad? I know a lot of people place a lot of the blame on me, and I accept some, certainly... though every time I have heard of aberrant activity I stopped it. I am not sure who else could have?
I do not to this day know enough about what happened in many ways. A few words spoken half in code are all I would learn about massive operations.... and I was supposed to be giving orders. No, I was tricked into diminishing expectations, surprised every time by the attention.
This is too huge for my mind to handle, if this did come down this way, and God forbid this did, though other things I learned were unimaginable as well.
I would never want people invading my private life. Never. I attacked, tried to drive you away, scare you, etc... I wanted to be free, but your judgements made against me, before I even knew what the hell was going on, are just too much for that. Jailed in your perceptions. I see all the slams on television, got the few in movies. I learned from my critics because my allies had to keep me ignorant so I would go along. When I learned the truth that stopped. I cannot apologize enough for this world, or apologize for all the psycho's who put the mission together that placed me atop a cult.
I am not a disruptor. I was once. I had a lot to learn. I was lighting fires everywhere, with no idea whose house I was burning down, or why.... I saw my words being mimicked thinking wow, they took my criticism of false preachers, and used Castiel, on supernatural, a group that has helped me a lot... I have learned some bitter truths from tv, because evidently, a race war started, and I was a hostage of the blacks. This just sounds like bad fiction.
I see now how I can disagree with their thinking, as long as we agree on behavior... decent behavior, equality, justice... freedom to be an individual.
I wrote of these things many times over the years.... wrote so many things. Could my sick joke have been taken as order, by a group left leaderless, or acting under.... well, I do not know who would be able to make that leap, though the fanaticism that led many to think my comedy was a roadmap for life, or that killing ones parents would be the intent of a slice of life story about a real incident, meant to show their childish thinking, because nothing was ever going to be right again.... murderers, like the people in the real story, I figured they could only get caught. I was trying to write a story a day, in all different voices. Not trying to direct a revolution.
I always look back and wish I had acted differently, but that is like going back in time and making a change and not knowing if things would be better or worse?
I have never ordered, or meant to order, anyone to nuke Japan, or cause a Tsunami.... my religious awe sought patterns, I had criticized them, and occasionally bad things happened to people who I went after, surprising me, and making me think they feared mystical powers, not materialistic might. Later I heard of the real violence, etc... Brainwashed, wounded in my head, my thinking askew.... I thought in religious terms, not in criminal terms. The criminal element in my life came as a surprise really, as did the police and others, everyone...
Sunday, June 9, 2019
killing words aimed and accidental
My words have killed by accident and by aim. I have actually at times just went, okay... I will leave that alone when they disappear... I KNOW there are people who know more than me who work with me, and in this business everything is need to know, and it is always something that makes you curse that you ever had any curiosity about how the world really works... but, big shoulders, got em. Death wish, at my ready though my survival instinct overwhelming...
A lot of people have stories of being banned for political shit, etc... they watch me in real time. At one point they admitted to the cameras, and man.... think of being watched all the time, it is a hell.
I would yell at what I thought were just bugs, because they had brainwashed me and my life had crashed and people had died and everyone around me was acting like it was over... as all hell broke loose in California because of miscommunications...
Modern Family I grieve over what happened to them. That he happened to be on when my stupid, cognitive dissonance mind made sense of all these people just seeing me as a guy in a webcam, doing a show.... that image of me dressing in that fucking green thing I wore just to be pissy and ignoring the cameras. All the shit I did out of ignorance.
And out in the world my words were causing death, enslavement, people moving underground. While I had no clue. OR ASSUMED they were telling me about something, but I had no idea what usually, let alone how I fit in.
At present, I believe that the racist white are too far gone to see anyone who refuses to judge by race as sane. Many of you fought in a race war thinking JESUS would want one, OR A REVOLUTIONARY WOULD WANT TO DIVIDE HIS FORCE, or whatever you thought.
I wish there was some way for me to tell you how much I grieve for everyone involved in this. I do not care so much what side you are on. I hate the behavior. I wrote a book condemning the very behavior that was extolled, because this is a CIA tried and true method. I knew I was working with them and proud at first, but I was stupid enough not to think of them as right wing, nor to wait to find out why they were being fired being proclaiming as I did before saving them. I had been sane, I would have sued this country. Good thing I did not let it stop there. You may tell me all these people died for nothing but I know better, as a socialist tis the prime contender for president, etc... it may all only be symbolic at this point, though this is the future, and you have helped bring this mindset to be....
I would never have sacrificed or risked enough to do the good you did. I would not have asked but in a trance I did... take no prisoners, can't afford them.... drugged and brainwashed and feeling pissed that my pain was unrelenting and for some reason no limo was coming to take me to experts, to good doctors, etc... I blew it all quick. I thought.
People stood beside me long after they should not have. I had no idea there was a flock out there or my words would have been kind, and I would have told you how you were misinformed... and instead of freaking out and sending soldiers home, I would have taken this country into a scientific mode of governing. I do not want to be the leader or the power behind the leader... I just want the right thing to be done, Justice. I do not give a damn who delivers.
I saw something that made me think the propaganda at least was throwing out that I supported trump, and expected to be the leader, made people call me the gran poo bah and other stupid shit, which is the opposite of my life... this set up that I was a rival, or used by womyn to rise. Again, I do not consider women to be my enemy, and I support Justice, like with blacks... it does not matter where it is manifesting, I SEEM to know right from wrong and often it is plain. I do not want to rule, once hearing a man is leading the women. I should lead no one, just be part of a political group, loosely, who refuse to be divided and conquered, and focus on the real problem, economics. I do not even want to lead this... always pictured a united nations... where everyone has the same power.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
I use the word CULT but they called themselves my Acolytes.
I heard a bit about what their lives were like, studying the tapes of me perhaps, or learning the bible, some kind of classes at night... people being punished in ways that I would never have wanted, that I was then threatened with, causing the beast in me to want to kill every animal that intelligence had told me represented a different group. I was taken as a cruel, vicious God breaking the world with an iron rod. A comedy story I wrote before the Christ voice rose within me, had God coming back to earth and only taking mostly, penguins, the pope, a few cops and winos. Turns out penguins are very much more advanced than humans, etc... ends with whining in all known languages, followed by humans trying to just go on, keep working, just keep a positive attitude. The thought was the new Christ was giving signals to Catholics and Mexicans, after I said I followed in the footsteps of Ceaser Chavez. I have a hard time thinking of how it must have been for people, to be reading the words of a God -- a man who grew wings, and they had proof, and leaders of governments around the world agreed, and miracles began to happen all around me, destruction.
My visions led people to think the end of the world was imminent, and I was half convinced myself after seeing the face of God, myself with endless flows of lava and lightening flowing from my back and chest, and my co worker being beaten up, which he was -- the proof my God sent along for his skeptical son who could not wrap his mind around the idea of what it meant to be a God, let alone why everyone was expecting him to lead the world? I was unprepared to do this alone, asked for advisors, but Bush mistook me for an enemy, and my words were a mistake, thinking he was making a crown for himself, not me.... not that I would have accepted. I would not however have harmed Jeb. That was a comment on the stolen elections. I was trying to be nice to all of you to keep the country from falling apart.
I wanted a revolution, but when I realize the kind of people involved, and what their objectives were, and that I would have to work with at least some of them.. I was too stunned to work with people with ideas I had always hated. Then I learned I am not in charge of your thoughts, if you want in this force just stay within military discipline and keep politics out of it, just winning a war against a genocidal oligarchy. Afterwards we can vote as we will... but we all have more in common than differences. IF humans live long enough they will discover this.
I heard very little of the acolytes, though for awhile I was going to bed at nine thirty, and a gay actor on a show with Mexicans and gays, and whites, which were my initial allies, though I was flattered by this, I was too confused by the size of my audience and why people were fucking watching me, to work with you properly. Perhaps that moment has passed, or you cannot make peace with the blacks... who as you know, I will help if you try to wipe them out. Just like I would help you if they tried to wipe you out. I meant it when I said I would live as a savior. I would write live and die as a savior, but I am not sure what my death is going to be like. I hope a savior of all the souls on this planet... these are the kind of thoughts, and type of writing that have led so many in the past to see me as a spiritual creature, the new Christ, a reincarnating creature who has lead humans since consciousness toward the Golden Rule, the first step up for creatures from the savagery of biggest fish eats the other.
I will write in here what I believe whether you care or not is up to you.
I must emphasize the God I saw is not me, at all.... I once was filled with a fire that sometimes made seem I was this being, and I felt it too, a glimpse perhaps into a limited bit of God's view... but I have found God is very, very active.
My visions led people to think the end of the world was imminent, and I was half convinced myself after seeing the face of God, myself with endless flows of lava and lightening flowing from my back and chest, and my co worker being beaten up, which he was -- the proof my God sent along for his skeptical son who could not wrap his mind around the idea of what it meant to be a God, let alone why everyone was expecting him to lead the world? I was unprepared to do this alone, asked for advisors, but Bush mistook me for an enemy, and my words were a mistake, thinking he was making a crown for himself, not me.... not that I would have accepted. I would not however have harmed Jeb. That was a comment on the stolen elections. I was trying to be nice to all of you to keep the country from falling apart.
I wanted a revolution, but when I realize the kind of people involved, and what their objectives were, and that I would have to work with at least some of them.. I was too stunned to work with people with ideas I had always hated. Then I learned I am not in charge of your thoughts, if you want in this force just stay within military discipline and keep politics out of it, just winning a war against a genocidal oligarchy. Afterwards we can vote as we will... but we all have more in common than differences. IF humans live long enough they will discover this.
I heard very little of the acolytes, though for awhile I was going to bed at nine thirty, and a gay actor on a show with Mexicans and gays, and whites, which were my initial allies, though I was flattered by this, I was too confused by the size of my audience and why people were fucking watching me, to work with you properly. Perhaps that moment has passed, or you cannot make peace with the blacks... who as you know, I will help if you try to wipe them out. Just like I would help you if they tried to wipe you out. I meant it when I said I would live as a savior. I would write live and die as a savior, but I am not sure what my death is going to be like. I hope a savior of all the souls on this planet... these are the kind of thoughts, and type of writing that have led so many in the past to see me as a spiritual creature, the new Christ, a reincarnating creature who has lead humans since consciousness toward the Golden Rule, the first step up for creatures from the savagery of biggest fish eats the other.
I will write in here what I believe whether you care or not is up to you.
I must emphasize the God I saw is not me, at all.... I once was filled with a fire that sometimes made seem I was this being, and I felt it too, a glimpse perhaps into a limited bit of God's view... but I have found God is very, very active.
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