killing words aimed and accidental

My words have killed by accident and by aim.  I have actually at times just went, okay... I will leave that alone when they disappear...   I KNOW there are people who know more than me who work with me, and in this business everything is need to know, and it is always something that makes you curse that you ever had any curiosity about how the world really works... but, big shoulders, got em.  Death wish, at my ready though my survival instinct overwhelming...   A lot of people have stories of being banned for political shit, etc...  they watch me in real time.   At one point they admitted to the cameras,  and man.... think of being watched all the time, it is a hell.

  I would yell at what I thought were just bugs, because they had brainwashed me and my life had crashed and people had died and everyone around me was acting like it was over...   as all hell broke loose in California because of miscommunications...  Modern Family I grieve over what happened to them.  That he happened to be on when my stupid, cognitive dissonance mind made sense of all these people just seeing me as a guy in a webcam, doing a show....   that image of me dressing in that fucking green thing I wore just to be pissy and ignoring the cameras.  All the shit I did out of ignorance.

And out in the world my words were causing death, enslavement, people moving underground.  While I had no clue. OR ASSUMED they were telling me about something, but I had no idea what usually, let alone how I fit in. At present, I believe that the racist white are too far gone to see anyone who refuses to judge by race as sane. Many of you fought in a race war thinking JESUS would want one, OR A REVOLUTIONARY WOULD WANT TO DIVIDE HIS FORCE, or whatever you thought. I wish there was some way for me to tell you how much I grieve for everyone involved in this. I do not care so much what side you are on. I hate the behavior. I wrote a book condemning the very behavior that was extolled, because this is a CIA tried and true method. I knew I was working with them and proud at first, but I was stupid enough not to think of them as right wing, nor to wait to find out why they were being fired being proclaiming as I did before saving them. I had been sane, I would have sued this country. Good thing I did not let it stop there. You may tell me all these people died for nothing but I know better, as a socialist tis the prime contender for president, etc... it may all only be symbolic at this point, though this is the future, and you have helped bring this mindset to be.... I would never have sacrificed or risked enough to do the good you did. I would not have asked but in a trance I did... take no prisoners, can't afford them.... drugged and brainwashed and feeling pissed that my pain was unrelenting and for some reason no limo was coming to take me to experts, to good doctors, etc... I blew it all quick. I thought. People stood beside me long after they should not have. I had no idea there was a flock out there or my words would have been kind, and I would have told you how you were misinformed... and instead of freaking out and sending soldiers home, I would have taken this country into a scientific mode of governing. I do not want to be the leader or the power behind the leader... I just want the right thing to be done, Justice. I do not give a damn who delivers. I saw something that made me think the propaganda at least was throwing out that I supported trump, and expected to be the leader, made people call me the gran poo bah and other stupid shit, which is the opposite of my life... this set up that I was a rival, or used by womyn to rise. Again, I do not consider women to be my enemy, and I support Justice, like with blacks... it does not matter where it is manifesting, I SEEM to know right from wrong and often it is plain. I do not want to rule, once hearing a man is leading the women. I should lead no one, just be part of a political group, loosely, who refuse to be divided and conquered, and focus on the real problem, economics. I do not even want to lead this... always pictured a united nations... where everyone has the same power.

I use the word CULT but they called themselves my Acolytes.

I heard a bit about what their lives were like, studying the tapes of me perhaps, or learning the bible, some kind of classes at night...  people being punished in ways that I would never have wanted, that  I was then threatened with, causing the beast in me to want to kill every animal that intelligence had told me represented a different group.    I was taken as a cruel, vicious God breaking the world with an iron rod.   A comedy story I wrote before the Christ voice rose within me, had God coming back to earth and only taking mostly, penguins, the pope, a few cops and winos.  Turns out penguins are very much more advanced than humans, etc... ends with whining in all known languages, followed by humans trying to just go on, keep working, just keep a positive attitude.  The thought was the new Christ was giving signals to Catholics and Mexicans, after I said I followed in the footsteps of Ceaser Chavez.  I have a hard time thinking of how it must have been for people, to be reading the words of a God -- a man who grew wings, and they had proof, and leaders of governments around the world agreed, and miracles began to happen all around me, destruction.

My visions led people to think the end of the world was imminent, and I was half convinced myself after seeing the face of God, myself with endless flows of lava and lightening flowing from my back and chest, and my co worker being beaten up, which he was -- the proof my God sent along for his skeptical son who could not wrap his mind around the idea of what it meant to be a God, let alone why everyone was expecting him to lead the world?     I was unprepared to do this alone, asked for advisors, but Bush mistook me for an enemy, and my words were a mistake, thinking he was making a crown for himself, not me.... not that I would have accepted.  I would not however have harmed Jeb.   That was a comment on the stolen elections.  I was trying to be nice to all of you to keep the country from falling apart.

I wanted a revolution, but when I realize the kind of people involved, and what their objectives were, and that  I would have to work with at least some of them..  I was too stunned to work with people with ideas I had always hated.  Then I learned I am not in charge of your thoughts, if you want in this force just stay within military discipline and keep politics out of it, just winning a war against a genocidal oligarchy.   Afterwards we can vote as we will...  but we all have more in common than differences.  IF humans live long enough they will discover this.


I heard very little of the acolytes, though for awhile I was going to bed at nine thirty, and a gay actor on a show with Mexicans and gays, and whites, which were my initial allies, though I was flattered by this, I was too confused by the size of my audience and why people were fucking watching me, to work with you properly.   Perhaps that moment has passed, or you cannot make peace with the blacks... who as you know, I will help if you try to wipe them out.  Just like I would help you if they tried to wipe you out.   I meant it when I said I would live as a savior.   I would write live and die as a savior, but I am not sure what my death is going to be like.   I hope a savior of all the souls on this planet...  these are the kind of thoughts, and type of writing that have led so many in the past to see me as a spiritual creature, the new Christ, a reincarnating creature who has lead humans since consciousness toward the Golden Rule, the first step up for creatures from the savagery of biggest fish eats the other.

I will write in here what  I believe whether you care or not is up to you.



I must emphasize the God I saw is not me, at all....   I once was filled with a fire that sometimes made seem I was this being, and I felt it too, a glimpse perhaps into a limited bit of God's view...  but I have found God is very, very active.

The Hints they gave Me of What the Church of the New Christ did..

I have very little clue as to the day to day of the group who followed me, other than that many were religious, political, revolutionary, military... the different periods drew different crowds to the webcams in which I was displayed, like a free in a show you could pull up on your computer.  A guy who a lot of people believed was God, this mass murderer in Chicago was getting away with... murder after murder.  A madman who terrorized the world, threatening supernatural attacks, calls for nukes ....  Lord, when I think now how everyone seemed like my enemy,  I understand now.

I do not think I have ever properly expressed how much I hated being filmed, how I had to adjust my life to this presence, which was having actual effects on what happened on my tv, and sometimes in the city.... always surprising the hell out of me.   I figured if I was getting my ass kicked stuck in this shitty life, the world was my enemy.  Something was horribly wrong and I would fight it at all costs.  No matter what army marched behind me, I wanted the heads of the leaders.    I wanted conversion to sanity, and a great change... but I was just a guy who got bigger than his britches in a way, and then only out of ignorance.    I wanted everyone to like me, so I defended myself against any and all charges, though I also have a tempter and challenging me pissed me off back then.   I was at war. and you were looking at a creature, who still believes I am here to cleanse this planet of all life, to draw the fires of the earth to the surface, and make the sky itself your enemy, white walls of exploding lightening....

There are things which have developed into my religion.    I used to often think about this, am I here to save people or end the world?   If I am here to end the world, as my vision, one of the three I trust, showed me...  it makes sense.   I know when I created the flood here in Chicago it was out of rage.  Love or Hate will win.   I have a scale, and humanity right now has a huge pile of bloody Gold weighting down the hate side.   Love I think could cause to thousand years of peace....   but this earth does not have ten thousand years of life left, from what  I can tell.  A hundred years of civilization, maybe a thousand years plus of hold outs living underground hoping aliens will save them or something.   I do not care about all this speculation, though I use it to house my spiritual experiences.

I do not know how to address you.  You saw me at my worst, and I performed for you I suppose at times, having nothing better to do.  I would not have yelled FIRE in the movies quite so often if ever had I realized the reaction.  What do any of these words mean?   They mean I am not going to let the evil in this destroy my message.  The kings of lies will melt away before the flames of fire on my sword.  I want to believe the religions that once came to me in a trance of poetry...  I can feel that part of me, back there filled with a few words, the universe within me.

I do not know if there is any reason to leave scripture.   Who will it be for?   A band aide for those of us who will witness the end of the world, the collapse of civilizations and economics.  Not even that.  I am not providing a distraction,

I heard something about going daily and studying me.   Watching me all the time, associated with the word yellow and all life being art.   I made some art of my life, I suppose, because there was nothing else I could do to fight back.   I was fighting when I would not have been most of the time, though my morality has not changed during any of this.  I have the same feelings hating injustice as I did going into this, and that I became he poster boy for being unjust shows me how well they hide me among their words.    I have not always acted as I wish I had, surely...   though had they not sent embarrassing video of me out to the world, I would never have found out what was really going on in this world, and would have still been being used by people I probably would not be backing if I knew more.    No one has ever provided me more than vague examinations of the groups, and often I learned from their critics, who had their own agenda.

I believed lies about you, too....  I get it.   I however am not going to allow them to have my name.  They do not get to dismiss me as anti semitic, after how close the Jewish Psalms got me to joining the religion, which would have been a major mistake, throwing me into a lot of battles that are beside the point, and to be in a religion that brought Jesus, and the one Jesus brought, is all the difference in the world to me.   I was given this religion for a reason, obviously.   The catholic part, helping them, and they needed it, I was told, after I accidently got all these people to become Mormons.   I was kind of mad at the Catholics, thinking they were holding me jailed, because of those being the hospitals involved.   I was in no condition to be dealing with the things I was.

I do not like to think of what was witnessed by people who watched my life.  The overwhelming shame is too much to bother mucking about.   I have other pain that is more worthy.  I cannot apologize enough for causing you the feelings I did, though all it would have taken was to let me know what was happening....

Are there those of you who God has allowed to see me after the words piled around me by the ones who would no moral voice arose?

I have many unpublished drafts on this topic...

I do not know if I am writing now to find some kind of narrative where I am not a horrible monster.  WHERE I AM NOT WHAT many believe I am.  I have been misunderstood so often than one would think I WOULD get used to it, but one no more gets used to this than punches in the gut.  To be accused of being a Charles Manson with an army of killers, both professional and religiously hyped out, brain washed mobs.

When I first believed I am Christ, the feeling that I was being worshipped in some ways,  I wanted to be on the other side of the mirror.  I had dreamt twenty years before of Christ coming back in Chicago, though he did not quite show up... I believed he was going to and it was one of the greatest feelings ever...  anyways, the point is that I had different people who believed in me at different times, and as different things.

When I realized I was looked at as a criminal who was involved in forcing people to purchase something, when I was talking about the insurance I had, personally, against any attack on my person.   I was trying to use psy ops on the enemy, remind them of my ace in the hole as much as possible, keep them off kilter, a bit terrified, and rightly so...  to my way of thinking at the time.   I had no idea then the objects around me were being used.  I caught hints of things but would have never equated a toy lobster with torture.  Never.  I was taken to be much more calculating than I am...  and though I can calculate with the best of them in some respects, I did not have the proper knowledge given to me to solve problems.  The powers that be did not like my beliefs... just my power.

The offense perpetrated against me by watching me...  drew a lot of anger from me, set me up into a state of rage.  Always, there was the enemy, and I was fascinated by you had to say, as I tried to determine what was going on.  One day they asked for an afternoon off.... and this was my first indication people were looking to me to give them a day off...  for God's sake, I told them of course... and wanted to say take your life off.  They were trying to respond to me.  Some were trying to teach me, others undermine me, etc.   My allies made enemies of my natural allies, and correcting that misconception has cost countless lives.  Countless.  I betrayed groups out of sheer ignorance.  I did not mean them any harm, people can have their beliefs, I can work with them, but I will not join a group like that...  I would not fight for what you wanted.  No race war. Period.  That is a distraction I wills spend my life fighting.

To be blamed for all I stood against, to have all my writing once dismissed as STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, when I did not even know I was a hostage, and it had just never entered my mind.  I was not a racist to begin with, and being around a lot of blacks had taken away my misconceptions and I enjoyed black people.  I certainly would not judge people by the color of their skin, and I drove cab for over a decade, and many, even black drivers, passed up blacks... if for no other reason than they were said to tip less... I got great tips from blacks, because I treated everyone the same, instead of not expecting a tip so being shitty with them, or fearful, etc.   To find myself in the midst of that, and to find my words had somehow made me the black mascot.  I felt shame over that.

Like I was a dancing monkey, a cheerleader...  I had written that this in a way is all a politician is, and why bush won... the power of cheerleading.  I may have not understood everything that was happening around me, but I would not choose the black side, either.    I choose the side of Justice, equality....  I will find with any minority that a majority tries to wipe out.   That is a who is gonna get it next atmosphere, like we had in the USA for awhile.  I got the I am a mascot thing, after thinking about a mission and talking about it, then two commercials came on the next day, saying, he does know he is the mascot, right?    I later was so pissed I yelled into their bugs, I AM NO ONE'S MASCOT.  That is demeaning.   I am a free agent as far as some of this goes.  I have friends I wish to work with, and respect their sensitivities on certain matters, though they have never asked me to do anything, compared to the CIA involving me in a mission that involved mass murder.

I always stray from the topic of those who believe in me to this day.  I have to believe you exist.  Live at least like you do, after failing to be there for you, in the way I would have chosen, for so many years.  You saw the absolute worst of me.  A man being driven mad with concern over events he did not understand.   I knew I had a place in this, that I was being listened to, and my actions being mocked or degraded on tv shows, and later movies.   I had no idea who was behind what?    In the end  I am humbled you looked to me for leadership in the state of mind to which I had degraded.  I was playing a cat and mouse game, and I was most certainly the mouse.  A mouse that roared, sure... still a mouse.  That was true, and not true.

I never would have shown you my body, let alone my sexuality, had I realized you had taken this webcam so far, and your belief in me so seriously.  I shared your belief.  And to the revolutionary side of this, which you can take religiously or not, I did not realize what the sides were, why you were engaged in battle, etc...  I tried my best to be on the side of blind justice.  That was not what you wanted... you prefer blind prejudice.

What was done to my brain was very serious and I could not believe people were sitting back and watching me.  I never wanted that.  I especially did not want that when I realize there was so much more than met the eye going on.   I was trying to be nice to everyone, but that suddenly seemed to mean all these people thought I was selling out, which I would not do, I think I have proven about a zillion ways and with millions of bucks.  I expected to be welcomed.  The problem was someone else was in charge, or a poem I wrote about the Bushes was taken too seriously... and I was mistaken about the intent of the letter I had gotten anyways.   I was confused.  I looked at Bush as an enemy politically but  I would certainly never have wanted one of them hurt, but shamed for stealing the election in a poem, sure.  When I heard how that escalated.  I could not even comment on it because it told me of others who were involved, with objectives they did not share with me.

The break downs in society were never reported to me.   The tactics being used were never reported to me.  My own power was reported to me, and there were warnings, but I could not believe the media, when my own life seemed in such stark contrast.   I asked for a normal life one night, being blown away by memories of being worshipped on other planets, and famous etcetera and I preferred to just have a regular life.   I said many things that were not true or just rationalizing what I felt I had no choice in... like the bugs.   I did not like to think of them, and was always annoyed when a show would reference the conflict.  Then when I was told by an actor on a popular show he was being sold to his hairdresser.... and I had to preach that I would attack anyone who was keeping slaves, no matter how close they thought they were to me.   I knew that  I had fought hard for gay causes, and this was obviously a hetero sexual man ...  slavery is bad enough without serial rape, but I guess that is part of the sickness of ownership.  Thank you to the Scots and others who came to my aide to take out these predators.

I said from the start I was here to free slaves.  That I meant.  I did not mean to free every dangerous killer in the world, or whatever...  but I would empty the prisons of non violent offenders, putting them on home release at most.  Many things I wrote in poetry, which is obscure at best to most people, and I used phrases I should not have.  Paux Romano, or the peace of Rome.  This set Rome on fire I guess.   I could not understand why so many people suddenly believed in me.   I assumed most did not.   I thought they did at first, when the guy on the street told me the world knew Christ existed, and he was me...   and I did not have the where withal to understand the weight of this burden, tossed it out of my mind, enjoyed the communication the tv did showing my life, etc... then things turned violent.


Over night everything went to hell.   I felt like I was in a real war, and was being tortured by pain and the head games people were playing with me... if what the tv said was true, why were leaders not coming to meet me, or inviting me, or ....  a lot of things.   I am very good at denial.  I guess.  The years of drinking required as much, but I also sobered up mostly.  Pot and the pills had an effect, but mostly they were a way of numbing myself enough to continue in the new world I found myself in, where there was a God, and I was his Son.   After the visions, I had no doubts about this.

In the pathetic end of the webcams...  I got xfinity and Mary Ann mentioned she thought the tv was responding to us again... then a show had a guy in an ape suit, real skinny, like I was, the king of the apes... and they were asking what I was doing there, and inferred I was dying of cancer.  None of this was true.   I had just become so appalled with the treatment I was getting after an event that meant nothing to me became a huge deal to the world.  An act those filming me everywhere had on camera suddenly was on a camera that was in the living room....  I was telling you to leave me alone, again, as I always was...  yet you thought I wanted an audience.  I was thinking the other day how I hoped someone had chopped off yo you ma's fingers, and that if I got control, I would do this one act of fucking revenge.  I would also take out Dylan, but first I would make the public aware of their sins and let them be mocked, etcetera.... paraded naked in cages thru the street, pelted with tomatoes we will bring in for the occasion.   Along with a parade of politicians and other traitors to freedom of thought, action, and lifestyle....

I was going to bed at nine thirty and a character who I had a lot to do with said he was going to bed early lately.   Gays and Mexicans and Puerto Ricans and Whites, I think, were my big allies at that point.  I did not know what it meant that we were allies, really.  I knew that I was questioned a lot about the Mexican culture and this and that, and had no idea why.   I did not realize people thought I was being a stripper for a fucking webcam, and other things.  I remember they brought out an actor they used as me a lot, will Ferrell, and he was naked, on a horse, surrounded by dancing gay guys, and this Mexican guy I had never seen before is really pissed off and says HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THIS?   Well, it took me a minute to fucking get thru the mortification... how could people look at me like that?   I really began to blame the gays to a degree, because there was all this talk about my sexuality, which should not have even been an issue, and I exaggerated my involvement for the sheer hell of it.  To make a point.  To say gays are angels so they are just fucking left alone.

When this started  I was playing mind games with the world, not taking the position serious at all.  I woke up like ground hogs day, which they played a lot for me to show me, act cool and we will let you out of this prison...  and I was living the same day over and over in a way, after gaining all this fame and suddenly being ignored.  I expected fame and fortune and instead found this weird government would not allow that to happen, though they were more than happy to communicate with me on tv shows....  I did not realize it was dangerous for them not to like me.  No idea of the zealots in the crowd ready to die for Christ, and kill...

A song came on about how I was turning friends into enemies, and if I was love why was  I kicking their ass... jack white...    very dark song, which I liked, until I realized they thought  I was doing this...  I was saying fight the two percent, which was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.  Celebrities are not in the trillionaires billionaire category that are the enemy, they merely work for them, wittingly, or unwittingly.   A lot of them are inducted into secret societies or by other countries, criminals... like you need a sponsor to get a city job in Chicago, especially in the old days, someone with  Juice, who took care of you, and you took care of them, maybe kick back a few bucks of his pay... who knows?  Do political work for them, contribute money, whatever.

To go from being loved to hated.   By millions and more.....  I cannot quit writing.   And I wonder sometimes if my every word now is just a rationalization for events that fill me with guilt, regret, horror, terror... and leave my day to day at best a person watching tv in a funeral home, and feeling the general sense of mourning no matter how many smiling faces pass across the screen.   Like during the end of the webcam, I felt if I could help I would accept this.  But I begged you to cut it off after that.  I wanted to reassure people that they had nothing to fear from me, though I certainly did not always act up to that ideal.   I had no ill will toward all English people, just monarchies, and the queen is a very easy target, as is the murderous Charles.  But  I felt them so far away from me that what did it matter what I wrote.   When the queen came onto bbc saying we have to stop this, I thought she meant my criticizing of her.   I was not happy to see her gold stolen...

I guess if it was going directly to some great cause, fine, but to steal it like a criminal.. No.  Robin Hood is one thing, and this is what must happen with the trillionaires.  We must all be Robin Hoods.

I do not know how much good it does to bring up the past, the places I wish I had acted differently tend to haunt me enough without my entertaining them for sport.   I try to keep my mind focused more on how to salvage what I can of any allies who will leave behind their racism, and all their isms, and treat people how they treat you, and others.  Who on this earth can say they would want to be in the position of the Palestinians?    No one.  The crimes there are allowed because of the USA.  We protect this small country because many of our rich, and politicians, are Jewish.  And AIPAC.  I understand wanting to be heard, but they have gained too much power, and are imposing their will on the world in our name.  I do not want to see the Jewish people suffer, either... and what the Zionists are doing sets back religious relationships about a hundred years, in most places.  The states will come slower because the media is Jewish owned.

I DO NOT and never will be on the side of the bankers, but they are not all Jewish.  I did not notice the Jews being a big player in the game when I was at the top, they were someone I tried to protect.  I would not have protected all their behavior, as I did not...   I criticized all kinds of people never thinking it made any difference.  And it did.  Later...

I was made to feel insignificant, at a very dangerous time for such a perception.

The grand plans blew up in their face.  One moral man stood up to the armies of the earth.  Though I was awakened too early, too ignorant, to do anything more than the will of God...  things that seemed like errors became my greatest strength.  ASKING TO BE BURNED, and thinking no one would react and then seeing this huge blast of criticism from every show... it was astounding.  That was when the view people had of me came home, in a the mildest of ways... and I was appalled, but still astounded and humbled that all these people took part in something of that magnitude..  and from this I was able to feel the sordid sinking feeling that this was just a fucking webcam show to people... not my life... not ruling the world... nothing.    Just nothing...

I no longer cared about anyone at that point.  I hated everyone on television in a way, and forgave them, too.  I did not want them hurt, until later, when I realized they wanted a fight and I could give them one... in fact, they needed one, to be challenged.  They need a lot more to be honest.   Now that I know more though I realize that is probably impossible.

I would rather write about religion in a way, but I do not know what to add to religion?  The great questions have been asked and answered since the beginning of time, never satisfactorily enough not to be replaced.

TO THOSE WHO FOUGHT WITH ME AND THOSE WHO I LATER FOUGHT...

A few phrases from Operation Bluebeam come into my mind all the time, one of them is a DJ who thought I knew that these killings were being done, or was ordered by the CIA to say so, because I was being set up as the fall guy for mass murder.   One is, "You had the perfect alibi," and these words were spoken with poison and death and blood and all the mayhem of what will prove to be the first of assaults.  The dead were never the intention of my words.  Leading anyone except in thought was my revolution, getting the people in the streets, maybe...  what does one expect, nothing great had ever happened to me before,  and probably never would.   Little did I know that I had been chosen for this operation, mission, a tool of spies...  like a brainwashed assassin.  Only I was to be Christ as they took over the world.

Chicago took over the world.   What a thing.   Like I could take over the world?   What were people thinking, that I was a super hero?   There had to be many, many people working on this, funding this, preparing for all those years, getting ready for whatever the hell, taking over the world I guess...  something.  Maybe just revolting in the states for reasons I do not understand?  

The other image that echoes from the end, when I was suddenly hated by a media that had been hot and cold, for reasons I was the last to fucking know...  that webcam.  The humiliation is to this day behind a dam that I shore up every now and then.  I fought back with words.  I did not know who or what was doing all this to me, but I was going to fuck with you all to hell until I knew what was going on, and everyone was my enemy... you showed signs of friendship that were baffling to me without actually communication.

I think about my mistakes of late a lot in the context of people who tried to work with me, when I did not realize I was fucking doing anything besides being judged by the Codes on the tv whether some train was going to take off, or there was accident after accident on the road.   I knew something was happening.   Taking off in the rv's, shooting out to revolt, they let me know a bit of what happened.  Then they told me it was all over.  I did not know at the time that I was sabotaging their mission.  PART OF WHY I BELIEVE IN GOD is because had I known what was going on, I would have done the same thing....   there was no way in Hell I was going to impose my will on other people, I wanted a religion that set them free.  I knew I was having effects.    I just never knew the convulsions...

This is one way of looking at it.., When I learned I was being watched, that  I was famous...  these things really stunned me.  An awards show where I was shown being beaten because I wanted a new face... they had made me the joker, and that was bullshit.  I simply am not a criminal, people eventually figured that out...  though my enemies to this day will say other.

The CHRIST WALKS... brought to you by billions of dollars, and over half a decade of planning... for OPERATION BLUEBEAM.

Unless you google operation bluebeam, my story will have less credibility...  the brainwashing came the night of a UFO siting at OHARE Airport, that wikapedia even talks about.   What the two have to do with each other I am not sure.  I was to be Christ, but I felt like an alien, and believed I had lived lives on many alien planets, could imagine them as easily as closing my eyes in the state of mind I was in, with drugs and the post traumatic effects of having my life go from quite obscurity, I thought, to being watched by all these people and having such dramatic effects on the world.   The operation was never mine, just the face.   They were telling people I was the leader, AND I WROTE LIKE I WAS IN A MOSTLY FICTIONAL MANNER, BECAUSE THERE WERE NONE OF THESE PEOPLE IN my physical life, though my television and a cable group became their connection to me, as many in the media revolted, as I had asked them to, against mighty people, just not exactly the ones I would have gone after.

YOU MUST REMEMBER I JOKED about a cult and all this, though actually cults had always fascinated me, like serial killers, not because I would involve myself, but because the mentality is so different than my own than I tried to glimpse it.   I was not told of the extent of this until I finally made big enough of a mistake, due to my ignorance, for my critics -- haters for the most part, though with the same hate I would have for someone who did what they thought I had --- to come after me and tell me what had happened, on a mission they had to DRAFT me into and  BRAINWASH me to get me to go along with at all, and even then  I sabotaged the attempt.   They chose someone who has spent his life avoiding being bought out, and I was willing to die for that value.   No one usually gets into the elite with attitude, but since they grabbed me, instead of recruited me, they did not know.

The cult does or does not deserve the term.  I do not know.... the strict usage of the term means a budding religion....   no value judgement.   Then all of these cults started cropping up and at least some were made by intelligence agents, like the Hari Krishna, which remain a right wing buyer of newspapers, the Washington post...  brainwashing people is too easy....  keeping that way requires a lot of reinforcement, which was taken away from me.   They stopped wanting me think I was Christ....  though that thought will never go away.... a sacred warmth fills my chest at the thought and the strong belief that I must do what is right because I respect and agree with my father, not because it is some commandment.

I do not think much of the present holy books.  All of them need revised, the old salt Christ talked about tossed out......    I have written sentences with the meaning of the last two many times, and with them everytime comes to mind a horrifying piece of the intelligence agencies doing in all this, one night when a confirmed cia murderer, told me, with the most bizarre, serial killer look of belief WE HAVE TO GET RID OF THE OLD SALT.   He thought I was on their side because I invited him over, but he was just my pot dealer, that was all... not a friend.  My connections let me know right away that I wanted to stay away from these guys.   I did not.  I studied them.  Later someone called me to in code report two hits they did, and something else, that he had watched a sci fi movie where these people who came out of living under ground, were pisseed....  NOW, this is so out of character for the man I thought I was dealing with that I realized he was a spy, just like that....   later, I realize he was reporting they had killed two types of religious followers, I believe....  and that some people had taken a short story I wrote literally and had lived under ground, thinking this was part of my plan.

My fiction, written before my conversion, was all taken as scripture, and revolutionary plans.... they were not at the time from anything more than a revolutionary thinking mind.  I regret what these jokes caused.... the acts of total faith that people did in their name inspires me.   I mourn their injuries and deaths, though that people out there are willing to give their lives in the name of God, which they did....  this was not my plan, which is why when I first heard of the deaths I was stunned, and said, THIS MUST BE GOD... because it sure as hell was not my intention, as a religious leader of any kind.... to do the things I had heard about.

I heard terrible things about the religious followers, though my sources were mostly their enemies, I suppose....  I said many things to the bugs in my apartment, figured  I was getting to actually talk to the man, so  I should... because I could.  What the fuck... and when the tv began mimicking me, and showing things that I knew were inspired by what I said, though in different ways, and showing me the results....  I thought the violence they showed me, like against hypocritical gay hating ministers and their people, and politicians and their followers, shown on Supernatural by Castiel, who wore the trench coat that used to be my trade mark, and appeared during operation bluebeam, which they were of courses using the television for.   Then they began to show me on the web.  I also saw on Supernatural many things, tiny things...  I was finally shown as Kevin, I guess, when they realized I had been sucked into this world knowing noting about it, declared a prophet out of the blue when I was really this whiz student...  he kept telling them I'M NOT GAY... and waking up going OH GOD.. which I was doing at the time.   They were very involved, though  I did not know there were sides back then, or which one they were on.  I usually learn more when  I write something that pisses people off rather than pleases them.

A couple years ago feeling weak after a surgery and like I would never be able to stop this genocide I decided that no matter who I had to work with, I had to stop this genocide.   I should not have written this, because I was not taking into account recent history, when I had to fight hard to get the Jews rights because the Nazi's did gain all this power.   I do not share anyone's philosophy except my own, however, what someone believes who is beside you throwing buckets of water on your burning house is irrelevant for the moment.   In the first months after the brainwashing, when I was still being watched and tens of millions were convinced Christ was back, I had no idea who was behind me, then the hints they were Nazi's came in, and I had helped them.... inadvertently.   I did not know the good guys from the bad guys in that war.   I told you lies and tried to scare you and thought I was getting my fifteen minutes of fame so I would shock the world.    I did not feel like I could get anything done.... I was made HOMELESS after being declared an angel?   That was when Bush was trying to punish me for something I did not know would happen if I wrote a poem....  saying his brother was disgraced for stealing the election....   had I known the power of my words I would have cut out my tongue.

I had all this power  I did not know about.  Very seldom did someone come up to me with a cryptic message.... and occasionally something I said something about happened, like saying I would like to see a jazz concert with old masters and young kids just starting out... they put on the show a few blocks from house, and when I walked in, a sax player suddenly broke into a bit of a Christmas song, because there was a santa association going on with me in the underground at the moment, unrelated to the religion.

The people who controlled the religions that started up around me, some went out with the best of intentions, others to pirate and be rebels for no reason at all, as far as I could tell....   a group with a well oiled killing machine, able to get read of all the bodies sent at them, and there were more than I care to begin to think about... down that path lies madness.  They kept the numbers from me for plausible denial and because I did not need to know, etc... but I have learned enough horrors not to be curious... cause that will drive the cat crazy.... or kill it.   From inside.   I have heard of so much death...

I worry the hoziers song take me to church, which became the number one song, because the media is coming at me with everything they have, being CIA and Irish... as was this band.  Instead of going ahead with attacks, they stunned me at the last second with the question with no intelligence... that was your mistake, and I do not know if I will every trust you again, or you I...  but I meant you no harm, and what you accused me of thru will Ferrell shows your utter depravity and cowardice, actually....   I do not know if it would be better for the working man if you won or lost, but they are my concern, of all colors.  I WILL NOT KILL FOR THE LIBERALS, OR THE CONSERVATIVES.  Murdering people to save the planet is the insanity, not fighting those who propagate war all the time and taking our country from them...

Mine will always be a revolutionary religion, as was Christ, who hung out with killers, Zealots, and was crucified between men marked ZEALOTS, not thieves, who had their hands cut off/   The romans at the time crucified mostly the revolutionaries, like the guy who told his followers to sell their cloaks and get swords.....  I think a few lines of Jesus remain IN THE BIBLE... I used to think they were clues I left myself over the years, to find the truth among all the bullshit, and that I would rewrite the bible....

I still think this is needed, but if most people are genocided, that will be the rapture...  the few hiding in holes left behind after the apocalypse will be given an immortal hell of trying to survive in a nuclear winter.  I wrote a story about the descendants of people left behind by Christ.   They waited in vain... though they believed, rightly so, one day they would get another chance...  they don't in the story, but that becomes their myth, and the protagonist is a monk.  

I AM not very familiar with trying to live my life by dictates in the bible.  I never took the book that seriously, to be honest.  I was reading very young and the secular novelists effected me strongly, with their arguments against the bible.  I believed in God, but I was not worried about being judged.  I was not a criminal or anything.    I had behaviors a little Christian morality would have helped me avoid that hurt to this day.... but my mother for one taught us we could not judge gay people, because she was pretty radical, a union leader who marched with all kinds of groups,  and this was ati Christian.  There was no drinking or smoking at the Bible Baptist Church, either, but dad and mom did both.

THE BELIEF PEOPLE HAVE IN THAT BOOK IS, IN PLACES, MISFOUNDED, OLD SALT... the bible should be slightly ahead of science, not behind.  If the world is older than six thousand years make the correction and move on.  People changed the bible all the time, why stop with a self serving King James?

I always come in here to apologize.  This entire blog, ripping open the wounds again, no matter how deep... has to be done, as a testament to the FREE WILL all must use, no matter who their leader seems to be.

I do not know if my place has dropped so far that the Nazi labelled, their latest greatest ploy, is going to work.  I think the so called left will say or do anything to discredit me at this point.   Not caring who I fight beside to stop you....  I drew, very early on when I was being watched closely, a cemetery with certain thoughts behind them, one was bringing all people together, no longer having hatred like between the Nazi's and the Jews and I drew their symbols on tombstones.  I should have written or said what this was about because it was mistaken....  I am not a Nazi and not have I ever been one.  But until I learn more about all groups, I will trust none, really....  I will protect any of them from being hurt, as I have tried here, where I helped a Jewish mayor take over, thinking that would stop abuse.


One of the most famous folk here Ophra is a Nazi leader and I had no fucking clue... I wrote something all pissed off one day that they took to be me going after Ohpra and she announced she was leaving town.   I heard the mayor then say, if you do not want her to leave, do not say bad things about her... well, I knew nothing about Oprha other than she had been nice to me when this all first started... so I said she is the trooper of the year... and they flashed her face on tv a number of times like she was happy.... then the show Glee, the black actress with Oprhas shape, came on showing me a Nazi mustache and telling me what Oprha was.... then  I was glad she was leaving, and went after her more, until she gave up her studio here in town.  Notice she got the last interview with the last departing first lady for a glimpse into how complex this world is, because the Obama's are considered Eagles, so the eagles in politics work with the Brown, which is what the Nazi's are called, and many are black....

I will never get used to people taking a few lines out of context from my entire life, and trying to damn me with them....  when a simple discussion would have avoided any animosity.  I say this to sarah silverman and others who underestimate my ignorance way too often.

they cut off my allies arms at the elbows

I saw this first on Bones, the second season, which is an FBI related show, so has FBI agents on premises  and going over, or suggesting, certain scripts.   They showed a character who was supposed to be me, who tricked one of the main characters into helping him in a revolution, by saying he had this big army that he did not have, etc...   I saw this and all kinds of hints showed me they were talking about me.   I was so pissed I stopped watching the show for awhile, then I caught it oddly enough a year later and they had the character back who had lost his arms at the elbows.  Later, I discovered the CIA had done this to people who were helping me in a peaceful movement...  that had to go violent to survive.  I did not know, and I saved the jobs of the CIA officers who did this, because I thought Bush was firing them because they were for me, thinking he was my enemy, when he was not.  I always had...  though I also forgive easily, and especially when this first started... I was in love with the world after awhile, it was stunning...   and I was not making decisions that I thought people would take as scripture.  I ALSO heard once after this...  at least you have your arms.

They did not expect me to become a threat again and were surprised.

When I realized this had actually happened, as well as a group of women attacking the white house, one of the underground groups that backed me, and had been slaughtered.  ANOTHER had his dreads ripped out by hand, his money taken, and shipped from LA to Chicago, which is what they call A BUFFALO JAIL in intelligence parlance, meaning you can wander around the city, but never leave.

I caused a world of trouble when I refused to along with being Christ....
Then horror after horror began to be shown me.   I was supposed to the Christ in operation bluebeam, and may have started to grow wings at five... all evidence points toward this being true, to the point the pope listened to me from the start, and everyone's acceptance of me as Christ came as this huge surprise.   I did not like my life being examined, though I was flattered... there was no way to stop it, like some huge celebration at first...  and maybe the scars over my shoulder blade, no where near the problem I have with my back, were tumors, as my mother, who was in on all this told me.

Then the violence, which led me perhaps to my place in the first place, I DO NOT KNOW...  grew into hideous proportions because my jokes were dark and bloody.  My poetry the passion that gets soldiers to slink off in the night to join others...  so many went out ready to fight, when I was too ill informed to lead.   I hear the song about confession leading to slaughter and know there must be some truth there if they made the song a number one hit, and they slammed religion, both obviously aimed at things I had told them to do....  I said confess if it was safe.   I trusted again.  I have to trust no one.   The violence around me is so abundant I feel like I am standing in a battle field surrounded by a circular wall of enemy corpses...  I wrote a poem about this, and it ended up happening.

I get away from the cult.  THE RELIGION.  The new SCRIPTURES that I brought to enlighten Christians and others to what I know.  And to offer what solace  I can.  I have my own beliefs, and I believe I am THE ONE you called Christ, though I am really the God of Many Masks.... I can do certain miracles and Chicago has witnessed them and fears me.   Once I terrified them unwittingly...  and I am sorry.   I had no idea what was going on, thought I was fighting an enemy I would mess with in any way possible, including lying to, and saying things that would draw out the pedophiles in my so called confessions.. which were drugged out ramblings of a being I do not even remember being...get brainwashed sometime.  Or maybe I was trying to get you to leave me alone, bury your idea I would be the leader of the madness I was seeing... I was treated like shit, so I treated the world like shit.   I had no idea how good I had it, that is for sure.

Later, for about a month, my enemies got control of parts of Chicago when my security abandoned me over a classic psy op program that the BLUE fell for.  Had you told me...  I could have represented all of you in the manner that you deserved.  In my ignorance, I just went along with you because you let me smoke weed and get away with it... I was proud to call the police my friends.  Had  I known people could see everything I was doing.    I would ALMOST allow the whole thing to happen again just to show what  I am really like... only almost.   You will have to take the words I write as my scripture, as only they have ever been... not my spoken words, where in the heat of the moment I might say anything, and things I would revise, or perhaps even regret ever speaking, but with writing I can get across what I really mean.    I spent too long in college writing essays/ they are much more effective than debates to me.

Funny, I used to scream at the tv, to scare them, the bugs I knew they had it because of my occasional direct interaction with people thru the tv.. it was the only way people could contact me, though I wanted to deny what they implied was true, etc...   I DID NOT KNOW who was all watching when I came ibnto my apartment blaming, Gays, or all things, for my not having children....   I came up with some insane conspiracy theory in my head....  and look at that time now as one of ignorance, and terror masked with rage.... my God, when I think of how I danced around my apartment after you told me of the killings, lost in memories of being another person, who lived long ago, and loved battle, and danced before it....  I talked about how we covered ourselves in blood, etc...  trying to freak out the enemies listening, and encourage those who liked me, who I also knew had access to intelligence on me.  I kept turning to mary ann or her to me and saying we just said that and now it is on tv, and ....  I could write a book about how tv was going along with operation bluebeam until  I sabotaged it, because they expected me to go along, but in the meantime, I was left ignorant of how they were using me.... only later did I realize they wanted a one world religion, but I kept insiting they not do that, because it would create a great seat of power, CHRIST on earth... people would be insane not to follow the one called the son of GOD ON EARTH..  This is how they hooked people on watching me.   I was very provocative I imagine on their webcams at times....

RAGE fills me at those who thought I wanted that intrusion into my life.   I THOUGHT I was getting across my words with writing, but they wanted me to be racist, to be on the white side in the race war... I said I WILL NOT FIGHT IN RACE WAR..IN FACT I WILL DO ALL IN MY POWER TO STOP IT.... The black and whites.... such open stereotypes for a human being they mean nothing to me.  Just more divide and conquer to make sure we do not discover the oligarchy is our true enemy as it is in all times of the working classes, the ones who fund both sides of the wars... start killing war profiteer like they did in olden times before they had tv and movies to trick people into thinking fighting for your life was fun, they hung those war profiteer for making money off of misery,



with the rage that WAS THE MONSTER come to life, the werewolf I keep hidden beneath my layers of civility, which run deep, and are the chains that hold the monster...  I have seen his chains break, he can do so when ever I get to the point he is needed, but only then is he powerful enough to take over my body, and order the unthinkable.  They dragged me into that war when I found someone begging me to save them from slavery, I ordered a war against the slave holders, and someone responded.  I think the Scots.  The guy was set free and thanked me, because this group was above the cops...   on the next show he did he talked about how the cops were no help.... God, the things the actors and actresses went thru.  When I was using Colbert and stewart they made them do three shows a day....  it was terrible for them, and when I found out I quit watching the show more than once a day.   I noticed there would be changes in each broadcaste, and it was weird.   At that point they were asking me who I was there to save... my short story about God saving the penguins and the pope was all a joke, until it became taken as the scripture of Jesus written in comedy form.   It was not.  It was all a joke.  I would not exclude any group from the gates of heaven.  In fact, like a man was put to death for saying once, there are a million worlds out there, with people just like us... and all people go to heaven.   They may pay a bit in hell first, but maybe not....  who can say?

I have had serious experiences with God... that make me feel there is something going on with my life, and the list is long, and gives my scientific mind no where to go except to believe there is a higher power working in my life.  I may write only myths about myself and not even know it, but I did not come to faith in the normal ways at all.

The tricky part is when your religion starts after being brainwashed.  I was agnostic and hated churches before the brainwashing.

They also said they took out Hitler at one point about me.  That was.... odd.  I have no idea what they were talking about...  in the hospital, during the three days I do not remember, while the CIA FILES say they were making me MORE MORAL... instead, they were surprised when the voice of Christ began to dominate my world, instead of their idea, of my making the entire world theirs.

My followers moved into the neighborhood where I lived.  Once I met a man there who recognized me and was all honored, said, I KNOW THIS BEACH IS SACRED AND ALL..  I was drawing and he asked me to work for his company, do a drawing.   I should have said yes, but I just down played my already mediocre artistic skills...   I met him again.  Both times he looked at me as if I were God, because in his mind I was.   I had no idea the ups and downs the religion was taking.  They were told that I wanted to be filmed, and them to watch...  They were told I was giving orders through the trinkets  I put out or whatever.  Took me for much more brutal than I am.  Johnny Pain was my stage name, but that is not me.  That was the peaceful me getting his frustrations out, and the fearful me, masking my fear with rage.  Because cornering me is going to get most of you killed if you come to this badgers hole.  Stupid fucks.

I do not know what happened, but at some point an order went out to kill the religious groups involved with me, which I have a scant few hints about, one, a friend who read my cia files who would only say they WERE VERY BAD PEOPLE,  Bob Dylan writing this song about seeing a slaughter in Detroit, and I guess a few other things, like being interrogated for mass murder, though they tried to tell me as little as possible, I sure as hell learned a lot more from being interrogated than I was ever told working in intelligence, when I discovered who the true enemies of the moment were.
I HAD NOTHING to do with this ...  I do not know what these people became.  In one show that was hinted to be like this, because they sent out video of me masterbating that caused chaos around the country, when everyone being protected by the blue was no longer... they turned on me, when my entire apartment was being filmed and that act had certainly been filmed so many times ...  you made one world tv, another my life... and I had no idea how they intersected.  I learned a lot, at the expense of many lives... and that seems to be the story of my existence.   The movie a josh rogan had a character masterbate, then take over a cannibal cult with gay slaves...  there was a lot of talk that is too top secret for me to go into about cannibalism, often inadvertent...  I fear many people who ate sausage in this country ...  soylent green...  a way of getting rid of all the bodies.    This is the government.   The people who were hired to do this are not at fault, and I forgive them and wish them no ill will again...  and pray our mutual respect may one day benefit us both.   I have a lot to make penance for but I will.   I did nothing I thought was wrong at the time.

I think of those who really know about this, what you did as acolytes, how you looked at me... how I must have been seen.  A famous guy, I find out.  An al capone/Charles manson  that the public would love to meet...   I ASKD THEM, about this fame I had that had NEVER effected my life in ways that I understood, though had caused havoc around the world.    I found out also I was hated.



MANY ATROCITIES and crimes had been done in my name....

THEY SAID I WOULD BE FAMOUS LIKE... THEN They showed me the rapist in france who is famous and invited to parties BECAUSE HE RAPED 26 WOMAN.... I do not want to be some sideshow, the guy who was involved in murder, though had an airtight alibi as my enemies once said I had.... the truth is the only defense I needed against your lies...  TO SAY THE LEAST,  the idea of being famous turned sour in my mouth.  I was not going to be displayed as what I am not.  I am not a murderer.  They were murdering people and I killed them to stop this.  That simple.   Later in a trance I wrote a poem about how ten to one would make up for the holy blood, and I did not even really know what the holy blood was, or who would be paying the price... though people did, died in great numbers.    I do not know who came up with this plan I ended up in the middle of, they tell me my grandfather, but it did not work.

I do not think.   I am tempted to take over the world.  It is not impossible.  I would do so in a way that would respect present leadership, buy off all the enemies I could, annihilate the rest.  Once I had the power to do this, but not the knowledge, and that WAS THE CHOSEN OF GOD, because he did not want those people in power, and when I found out about the genocides and racism I did not either.   I stood up willing to die for my beliefs in situations with guns pointed at me from every direction.   Almost no one can say they have been thru what I have.  I know this and it makes writing about it hard...  like the words coming out of my mouth sound crazy even to me, who knows they are true.

I would like to be a holy leader to some, who will have me, and only if they promise to remain themselves, and never try to become like me.  And do not take everything I say as meaningful to your life, or even correct.   I do not care how you dress, what your sexuality is, what your religion or non religion is, your race, country of origin, anything...   I care about whether you will make front and center building secret networks to subvert the oligarchy and redistribute wealth, then restore a real democracy to countries who want it, and whatever to those who do not.  Let people have a real vote, unimpeded by lies.  To do this requires a revolutionary court to try those in the usa who have so subverted democracy and the republic that they are traitors.   I am afraid the death penalty would have to be dissolved or the rivers would run red.  No need to kill them, we need them to point out the problems they have caused.  I actually believe in leaving them with luxury lives just to save blood from being spilled on both sides, as long as they contribute to an emergency fund, which I alone will be in charge of, which begins at the worst problems on earth, and works out....





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