BOWIE'S BLACKSTAR.slams me or some shit... an old man who scammed on on young women during his long marriage.

I finally listened to this song, and was saddened to find more propaganda about me... or a song about this situation.  His right and all, though...  well, there are many sides to this matter.  I have to understand I will be hated.  I have to accept that.  This has always been much easier to believe than my being liked.

He wrote the lines I am not a pornstar, gangster, film star, but the great I AM... just what I said to people.   He was making the album in 013/14, when the blood was still fresh, and the machine was churning out the hatred of the performers who had been used in this fiasco of operation bluebeam.   Those preyed upon by the hounds of hell I gave free reign over the people, blessed them like a pope telling knights before a crusade that all their sins would be forgiven.

I found out only when I was filmed masturbating, an act of defiance against what I considered a torturous existence of being filmed..,,  SOME THINGS ARE X RATED... hardly meant I wanted my life to appear X rated to you.... What you were doing, by losing support, seemingly, though they were part of why I was not able to learn much about what was going on, let alone provide leadership, which I would have, had I known.

I keep remembering how they made a hit of some Irish band slamming religion, saying if you confessed you would be cut open.

This is serious of course because the Irish blame me for lack of leadership, as do the Mexicans, when I did not know enough about the situation in the world to do much more than watch you and wait, for the day, when I would finally be told what was happening around me?  When I did find out it was hard to imagine anyone had gone thru such things.

  I cruelly called your valiant efforts at revolution stupid because you saw a map in my stories that I did not mean to place there.  I was not told what this world is really like until it was too late to do much more than say NO.  I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE WORSHIPPED.  I thought of a church based on the mish mash of ideas one could draw from my writing, if including the comedy, etc...  and deep in my soul I felt the new level of anguish I had learned while involved in intelligence.

I see now how we should have righted a few wrongs in this world, etcetera.   I see also now that no matter what I do I WILL ALWAYS BEAR THE MARK OF A KILLER.  I am not pretending my hands are clean, let alone my conscious.  Quite the opposite.  My strategies over the years changed while I was talking to the bugs....  

Now they tell me they are watching again, and I see subtle influences I have had.  I am surprised by the cohesion of the group in Chicago to work for good, and elect at true reformer to the office of Mayor.  The communists backed the unions, I heard soon after writing the death of the unions would be the death of us all.

This ended up with you brilliant people getting the suntimes and that damn legendary pictures, a propaganda machine from the start, like Gotham....

Bowie even had a line in his song I AM NOT MARVEL.... because they try to make me the joker, then I was superman when I saved the second president, but now I am the joker again since intelligence controls the media, and me and the us intelligence community have our differences.

How can I make any of this right?  I cannot.  I have to trust this is God doing what he does.... man doing what he does...  nothing evoked by this was not already there, the seething resentment, the need to fight back against a  monolithic machine.  I did not understand the camps of right wing militia's would have much to do with me.  The idea of a theocracy barely entered my mind, except when I was doing.

Bowie hid in his cave, emerging only when he knew his death was imminent, to criticize me or whatever the fuck he was doing with Black Star.  Not that he matters one whit in this world, anymore than of you do....  I am not sure if he was acting under orders, or... his own malice.  What is it you think I did, made people convert to a religion I did not know about?   Commit thefts I did not know about?  Expose my body to people I did not know about?   Yes, and then I went after whoever I thought was causing mayhem, and I used any soldiers at my disposal, even Nazi's.   I realized at some point that this was not a battle I could win, protecting the Jews, unless I worked with them enough they would listen to me and back off, only go after slime bags, whatever their religion.   There were enough slime bags in entertainment to get a lot of them out Jewish or not, matters nothing to me.  If they wish to police that side of thing without harming civilians, then we need them.

Again, I do not care what you think.


However, I am certainly not in charge am I?  Why should or would I be?











I love you assholes out there who dismiss me because I have an answer for everything.... when you are merely reciting the truth, of course, one has an answer for everything.  You expect me not to know what happened in my own life?   I know some of what I did was the right thing for the government, which I never abandoned, despite their working primarily with people who consider me their foe.  I am no more their foe than FDR was, even less so.  That is all I ask.  I do not want anyone to have to give up all they have worked for, though there are limits to the largess a few individuals should be allowed when the adverse effects on society are weighed into the factor.

As You KNOW BY NOW I BELIEVE IN FREE WILL

I do not believe the collective should get to make all decisions for people, in fact the fewer the better, of course.  Though at this point we have gone too far.

tRump wants a civil war.  Is he serious?  I realize you had something of this sort before, though I never understood how the boundaries on that would work out, blue versus red?  I just do not see this happening except for from the young socialists, and then they would be risking their lives.   I know you are committed enough to do so, though I am gun shy personally.   I am armed, and not afraid to fire.  I am afraid of misfires.  Almost everyone directly hurt because of me was a misifire.

Bush, had no clue a poem would do that, fallwell, have no idea how Vonnegut ended up dead?  Over zealous cia agents, too?   I let you off without knowing what you did, then became a proud part of your machine.  What hogwash.  I still must apreciate that some of you thought you were doing the right thing, and protected me, and all this shit I am apreciate of.  Your sacrifice, grief, strife, and nightmarish past is a horror I understand you have.  I may not dwell on these things in my writing but they are always on my mind.

I lay back half asleep or wide awake, thinking for hours, slumbering in and out at times..  mostly I am still trying to find meaning.  Meaning to go on, to tell people to go on.   To say even if it is helpless, then we have to do the best for all NOW, while we still can...  before people get to panicking and there are refugee's camps all over the warm parts of the country.  I do not know what to advise now that I have learned this, and I do not know how people who are very young are going to deal with this one  Imminent hell on earth.   Lord, have mercy on them.  Too late for the planet.  Too late for much of anything.

SO is the verdict in among the oligarchy, that the threat is so real... you have to toss the Joker at me? I would laugh were I psycho's like my foes

   No, you are just sending out subliminal shit.  And hate.  I do not know what happened to your actor's revolution -- perhaps you should have given the star a script.

Perhaps you have learned, ALEX BALDWIN, that I will never work with your side until you are ethical enough to know kindness to those around you is the beginning of enlightenment.   Without that base of love, you are a shitty thinker.  PERIOD.


Unless love is the primary motivator in your life, for all... not a few...  you are worthless to me as anytyhihng more than infantry, in the old sense, of sending the kids out to fight first, knowing most would die, to make the older fighters tired,   I do not like using kids in war but let us face this, this is their fight much more than the older generation, for once.   Just this one time....  in so many wars.

I am wondering now about those who will live underground, in the mansions or whatever.   I know they have betrayed humanity in a way, but I also see how they think they are going to preserve something.   We are all so caught up in the material.  The interesting stuff happens outside of the tiny confines of this body, but still...   we must fight for this for the children.  Innocence must still be allowed to come into this world, at least until there are enough leaders and infrastructure in place.

We must begin rising, and by this I mean they call us fallen....  we must be the fallen, the humbled.  We must learn from this.  I am not fallen except in others eyes, same with you.   YOU WERE NEVER AN ANGEL.   I doubt.   Get this thru your mind.  I said Gays were angels to get people to leave them alone, not realizing my words being taken as scripture, or I would have clarified.

i GOT IN THESE MOODS I could not/did not control.   I said all kinds of things, wanting to be the rebel Christ.  God was mad at humanity for treating me like this, when all this trouble was caused by me going off script.

I never write of Bikers though they were mentioned to me often.   I am sorry anyone was involved in any kind of force that did evil, but I do not think they knew this at the time, etc... or if they did, well, they are bikers, and I do not expect them to be gentle in their ways with those who oppose them.   I do pray that they will understand the part of me that is an outlaw just as them, the same 3 percent, that respects that individualism, that bit we have, is an ESSENTIAL part of any system I help make up.

In war terrible acts are done.  You no longer war in my name...   I doubt.   You may think this is a good thing, but I love your spirit, always will... and I keep my promises, as I have to you.   I will never write the two fucking things I heard, which were enough.   I never asked anyone to attack you like I did the mob, on the day that should have been for the 6.  God commanded and I followed, I thought back then....      but now I … I ask you to REDEEM YOURSELF AND HELP SAVE THE FUTURE.

In these reckless moments

     I remain in my unreal, 'normal,' life still trying to show support and use our powers correctly, with premeditation, not fury...  somber decisions.   I would have been somber, had you not brainwashed me into a screaming maniac.  Do you fear what you created?  I do not wish to be feared.  The doctor's monster, pieced together by the bodies of killers, torturers...   my part in this creation is not entirely dictated by my past.  People say they have changed, well I have.

I cannot stand the idea people saw me put my cat to sleep.   The act was one of the worst moments of my life, but I wanted to stop his agony.  I knew his death was coming and it was going to be after hours of pain, and poking and prodding and being freaked out, or here and just over.   I made this decision and it is hard to live with.  I would never do it again, or recommend this to anyone.  I have used this to learn what I can of what some went thru, killing what they love.

I would never ask of anyone to kill their parents simply because there is an idea of Heaven and …  wrote a short story about a young couple who just messed up their life, from the newspaper....  Metaphor for the stupidity of youth.   Not a way to live...   I am so different than you see me, and should have explained myself more.

I did not know what to say to what I saw on the news and etc...   I did not know my words were making people tremble and quake.  I meant to put fear in the heart of some enemy I did not quite understand?   I seemed to have no power, yet am being told I controlled great events.

I fell for this...  coming to my senses of the magnitude when I was writing at times....  though my revolution was fictional, in the future, we needed it now and you out there who asked me what was my plan?   To turn the country as left as possible, to rally youth, to play in the matrix.  A passion play that would have went nowhere.  Others had their plans for me, obviously, the elaborate hoax or the alien dna or maybe, just maybe, a creature once named Jesus, to some.   A creature who has described himself, metaphorically, as the God of many masks.  Much has been made of that, though the narrative fits well.     I can see by the acts taken in the name of this creature, though, that the UNHOLY ICON I feared becoming, is just I am... to some.


I regret this.  I will not strike out in vengeance, for revenge, being disagreed with, hated, etc.   I do not know all that you have been through, what I could and could not change during all of this.  Had I any idea, they would have discarded me somewhere along the way.  Instead, God granted me his Grace to miraculously live in the face of great hatred and criticism.   I get it.  I do not want the creation you speak of to be an influencer.

I have my reasons, and you have yours.   I will never be defined by your words objectively, anymore than I can be objective.  Though at the moment at least I do not know the extent of the damage done to people or the strength of the movement we have going, though in both I sense and know there is so much more that I should know, though I do not wish to know more reasons for being hated, I of course need to know.   I thank my critics.

I still get pissed at some lies.   I do not know who was in charge of getting soldiers slaughtered, or why, or even that my thing with England had gone further than something I thought was funny.   I had never cared at all about the Royal family.  Just figure heads, though now I understand that a good force, with that money, could do a lot.   I do not know what kind of forces were all involved, but to think I would let soldiers be slaughtered....   shows you know nothing about me.   I stopped criticizing the royals because money was stolen from them, and I AM NOT A PIRATE,   If that had entered into my plan I would have been much more judicious about what was done with the money -- not to mention, Jesus had no need of money, and Johnny Pain still thought he was going to have a career when this ended.   I think now of ways I could have used the money properly, but basically I would give it back or use it for the revolution...  but I would not break anyone over this shit.

I learned from you.  I watched what YOU WERE DOING feeling like I had nothing much to do with it.  When I was spoken to directly thru the tv I had no idea how to respond.  I felt like no one was fucking explaining this shit to me, and I did not want people watching me, etc...  it was the oddest... then I tried to take advantage of the situation, I suppose.   I said a lot of things I wish I had not.  Being offensive was a schtick not who I am.  I can be hard if it comes to that.    I learned with Scout that I can do the right thing even if it looks wrong... even if others do not understand how much I love that cat.   He was so great, and so young... but I used cheap bug spray in that apartment.. and killed three cats over ROACHES...   I am sure of it  One ate rat poisonings a fool put out at my old apartment.

Only Buk lived a long life.   I do not take this failing lightly at all.  I am broken up inside everytime I think of him I see his face dead with his mouth open, teeth showing...   how you stopped me from ever crying again with your adolescent, tough guy bullshit.

I know it is healthy to cry.  I NEVER CRIED though... that was my thing, so it was a wonderful release when I did, because a lot had happened to cry over... living in this pain, has been hellish at times.  Now it is gone.

Inside, the pain is intense, there is just no release... no screaming and ranting and swearing at God, as I did when my Yeats passed away.  The first of my all their lives cats.   I have failed them so badly.


I have to just not think about them, and take care in the future....  I hate admitting all of this....  but I have to look at the mistakes.   I have to stop making them.   I kept him from roach spray, etc...  the bedbug stuff though, and the spraying before, everything.. God I know nothing...  though I seem to get the same two personalities with every two cats I get, and if he is out there, maybe he comes back.  He did not suffer long.


I had to address this because you saw this... and I do not trust you to fill in the narrative inside of my mind, the context his death has in my life, why I did it....   this is not my way, or who I am.   I regret this all to hell.  I could do it again...

I had called for the cab and then left that stupid  ass phone off the hook...   then taking him out and...  I am an idiot.



I see why old people in the cab always were saying they did not want anymore pets because the deaths were so hard on them.  Pauper I usually am, or bad with money in this case, I did not take them in for check ups that might have saved him.   I need to take shadow in....




You do not need  A SHADOW PATH....  as you once said on cbs….   escaping this vicinity will not help.   There had to be safe guards in place in case this city is Nuked.   A pre-emptive strike had to be taken into consideration.  They do that and someplace else must crumble....


I wrote of taking out their underground facilities, makin our victory inflicting misery on those who caused this.  Revenge.   I do not care about that now.  Now I pray we can collectively make some decisions for the common welfare because this thought becomes passe'.

I know these are more journals than blog entries...…   I do not have a lot to say, because I do not know my audience.

I have to remember to engage

in the unseen.

To remember that nothing is as it seems in this world, and I should not expect it to be.  I am done pretending though.  The time has come to just write.  I am out of practice at more than the pithy phrase, not that this skill will not come in handy.


The time has come to either quit writing altogether.... which may...  this has always been how I spoke to the world.  My best words, preferably edited and honed.  Now nothing.  Oh, well.  I need to write a story that resonates with the world or not.  Maybe I am ….  no the mission must adjust.  The core value in a way is the same, bringing down the wealth gap, and the power gap, in the USA, but the grip of the oligarchy is tight.

I AM SORRY if I let he environment hit me so hard I felt like I wanted to lay down and die.  I am sorry you watched as I put my cat to sleep.  I do not think of myself as being watched all the time, do not think of my life as a show that would interest anyone, especially now that I especially make it so, I hope.   I love people.  I love all of you.  I love the ones with beliefs I despise, who have done the worst of acts, I see the other sides you possess, and I see an everlasting soul, that has being put thru the pain of life for reasons beyond me?

I WANT to be of use, but I do not wish to fight beside just anyone.  I remember once, in a mania, as I crossed my street in roger's park, almost home, shouting, I DO NOT CARE which army is behind me, as long as I win.   I believed in that moment that to lose would mean the world was going to hell in a hand basket.  I had no idea I had unleashed hell, in the name of Salvation, and forgiveness.  I was taken by a brainwashed dream of pure love and astounded I existed, and the implications of that on a metaphysical level, while you acted purely as a mob, which I never expected would be attracted to me.  I wanted fame, though I had kind of given up on that, and was happy just to be writing to an audience.

I see now things happening so slowly.  I am not sure how to approach tRump, because I do not want him to able to use them.   They were used in my name.  I am at peace with the past.  I do not care whether you are or not, because I will war if needed.  I never feel unarmed, the power of my God is great.

I hate that I am made people so damn afraid.  I do not want chaos.  I do not want fire and brimstone.  I DO NOT want a violent revolution.  I do not get to choose though, do I?  The game was being played long before I came along, continue now unabated and still.... I have to take on faith you have the same beliefs I have.  I want to empower women.   I do not ever want to hold onto power, I would pass it out... to as many as possible.  I would edit little Hitlers, however.

What is to come of us mother lord and savior?

Why Do People Watch Me/

      Do you expect me to rally the troops, to fight somehow in a way that I HAVE NO CLUE what to add or even why?  Do I still believe in ugly justice, yeah.  I just believe it has to be JUST, not just fucking ugly.

     I think of these non stop.  You cannot tell, think I am sleeping on the couch.  Do you want Johnny Pain to scream, "Kill, kill, kill."  I am no manson.  I do not expect some small or even large sect to take over the world.  When an operation succeeded I discovered our values differed.  The terrible shock some of you felt..  and how you still go on, is incredible to me.

I think of t.f. a lot once saying she went up on the roof for me three times.   I did not know what going on the roof meant, though I am still torn up by the anguish in her voice.  I was angry that a race war was taking place, angry at everything and had no idea who was friend or foe, but I know my morality.  To have my actions taken out of context and cause blood?  I SIMPLY WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS strategically, if for no other reason.   My beef is with the system, not other people who have the same problem I do, they are my natural allies.

I refuse to give up on people in this world.   I understand one has to be pragmatic to mentally stay engaged in this world.  Too much bullshit out there for me to shovel.   I am not the person I was right after the brainwashing, or before I knew and could accept or at least go on living with the knowledge.  Accept is the wrong word.  I do not accept what has happened.  I am particularly saddened that I am told troops were slaughtered.   They sure as hell were not killed on my orders.   I did not fucking know about them, and their slaughter was brought to me on a tv commercial.   I cannot understand what this was like for you.   I am glad I am far away from it, that my plea for a normal life was somewhat granted....

I imagine the mob is behind having a feed, but why is anyone watching, millions?  What have they told you about me, what do you believe?   Did you grow used to watching me, is the world in shambles just behind the illusion I live in?   I have no idea what kind of madness was let lose in Cialywood, all because the drugs and the brain washing and the joker.   I find the shootings horrifying, and suspect Ledger's death was part of this.   I don't know but if anyone thinks I take these propaganda stunts of the great liars seriously enough to want someone hurt, you are not getting my point. Let them do their stupid shit, learn from it.

Does my side, fallen angels they call us now, or you, or me....    all so ridiculous.  I was so optimistic that my sight as Jesus would come true, people would all come together.   I BLEW that, thank God.  Whatt I have made clear too many times, and why I had the church torn down on impulse....  I am not the person who would have you do the things you did.  I did not want a church based on what I had written, the writing was not always meant to be scripture.  Reading thru it now, my firm conviction  bothers me. I do not ever want to confuse God and me.  I do not now what either of us are but I am not the creator of this universe, etc.   I do believe some strange things, and they are in a way all my own, and metaphorical because what truly is going in is way beyond any of us.


I know souls exist from astral projection.  Re-incarnation therapy was way too convincing for me to not consider that another religious milestone.   The others are smaller, like when I heard of women not getting pregnant, walked to the bible, opened to an obscure passage I did not know about saying women would not get pregnant when I returned, and my followers did not.   The other was Dave Gilberrt's ghost....


These events are the core I go thru when I find myself needing reassurance that everything that has happened to me, points toward eternal life, souls...  at least.   Everything else is in contention, because the conviction of the brainwashing, without reinforcement, has become a quiet belief of my own, that I travel the eons, studying planets, collecting souls somehow in their end time.  Sending them to heaven.  Then I do on and on to the next planet.    I believe on this planet I am similar to a returning Buddha, though more...  I am not sure why …   but I do feel I knw God, that I have experiencing basking in his love.  I like to believe I come from a planet that is all blue, and we are tubular creatures, in various, ever changing shades of purple.   We get our nourishment from the water and being close to God.  We sway in gentle currents;  our souls have traveled forever, since the beginnings of time in this... dimension, or clump of time, construct...  our souls go off as humans, some, have learned to do.  Forever is our word for time, roughly....   This is why my spending the time here on earth that it took life to develop and die on this planet was nothing to me, time wise... I have been a savior on many planets, I used to think.



I thought I could save this planet.  Now I see I am here to help usher in the end.  To write a scripture for those who will need one more than any other time.

I HAVE TO FORGIVE EVERYONE

I have to keep following my moral compass.  I cannot hate.  I cannot give myself that stupid, destructive, luxury.  I will not allow revenge or vengeance to draw blood from my input.  I want nothing to do with harming anyone over the past.

I SALUTE those I have hated the most, my critics.  Even as they come at me now with Joker film.  I should point out a few misnomers I can see already.  Though I do not in any way wish them harm, and a repeat of the Colorado Mass Murder, or the Ledger death, should not enter anyone's mind.   I let the criticism wash over me, doesn't feel good as it passes, though left behind are truths I didn't know.  Nine times out of ten so far, or more, I have been hated for things I did not know were happening, or were either beyond my control or I thought they were.

The schism between the reality of what was happening in my life, and what I was seeing on TV drove me mad.   I was not doing a show for you.  I acted as a weapon against a hostile enemy.  I could see only darkness around me, and I NEVER KNEW why or who was going to like me or hate me from day to day.  I cannot get around what was done, nor do I wish to.  I am not going to dwell on the places inside of me that can still be effected by my reflection in the eyes of others.  I learned when I drank how to hide utter humiliation.   How to bury it.  Later it returns, adds up, if you are lucky you quit drinking and it helps a lot in not acting like an insane, lying, ass.  I can look back now and see all of this from one side of the stone, though I know inside I was doing good acts all the time.

I was not making a big thing out of it, though I wanted to tell people.  Wanted to get a thank you note to the cab company for carrying a little old lady down three flights of stairs to the taxi, because they could not afford an ambulance and could not get her down themselves.  Thankful, they were.  Like the girl I stopped from getting a beat down by two other girls, who knew what they were doing, grabbed their prey's long hair as she walked out of a doctor's office, and started wailing punches into her face.  I got out of my cab, put one of the attackers' in a bear hug, told her, THEY CALLED THE COPS, YOU GUYS SHOULD LEAVE.   Then I yelled at one of the many people standing there, to stop the other woman, who was still beating up this other woman, just like I had.  He follows suite, they leave.  They turn out to be my fare.  The grandmother had been slashed with a knife one of them had.

I tried.  I did not have to exaggerate this much, though of course I did at first, as I did everything, torn between religious ecstasy and wanting to enjoy my moment of fame.  I did not think, yet, it mattered much what I said or did even though the astounding events on my television and in the streets, my life, etc...  I was selfishly judging the state of affairs by how I was being treated.  Figured whatever side I was on was losing if the world was just chugging along like it always had, with wars all over the middle east, rich getting richer, poor poorer, etc.

I find myself over and over writing this same story, trying to reclaim my name, pick up the family shield off the battlefield.  Covered in blood and guts, old rust stains dripping with black drops that turn bright red in the sun.  I will not let you have the last word.  Or the only words, at least, on this matter.  The same values I began with I have now.  I am just more judicious in my criticism, because I know it holds some weight, though even know I wish to be taken as someone who is often ill informed, might feel entirely different if fed a few more words.

I have been called nothing to my face.  Closest I came was that comedian, another chance I missed to talk to someone about this who obviously knew something I did not know, passed by because I could barely live with what I did know.   I heard the reports of Ann Frank living above a Bowling Alley, saw the pharmacist.  I had no clue why these things would be happening.   I made my views clear where I meant to communicate, in my words.  Where I SAID over and over that I did not want racist, anti semites, islamobes, etc..  on my feed.  I meant that then because I thought I could should just excise such stupid thinking out of my life, basically writing off people with these traits...  as not worth talking to, because I felt helpless to change their minds.

I hate what it finally took for this to break apart, allow me in on the secret...   took the sex crime of flashing my images into millions of houses naked, without my permission, in a sick experiment or pure, sordid money making.  The feeling I had when I saw myself on your screen in my ratty green housecoat, which I wore out of madness and disrespect.  You ask me why my cabinet is in front of your camera.   I ask you why your camera were all over my house but you just chose to use that camera feed.  I wanted the cameras gone so bad I threatened you again and again with doing something disgusting in front of them.   I finally did, at what I thought was a high point, I ASKED THE SPIES FOR PRIVACY, and then my act...   the least of it was not becoming a white house speech writer, and thank God I did not go up there and get involved in that hypocrisy, etc.   The death and destruction would have been like nothing then I guess?

Ah, how quickly people turned on me.  When you could attack you did, after being brutalized in my name.   This would not have happened had I been an agent in this matter, rather than a pawn, for the first years entirely, and now?   Not sure.  I certainly think that the way all kinds of people are treated should be changed, and it can be done, and it is in a way a common courtesy, living in fucking society, let alone a city to bring this home.


I see the people they pit up against me and am impressed by the big guns and all the little songs they played like the stupid hit about a 401k and tearing socialists apart with their hands... wonder if those alt-right fucks are still being promoted?  You do not have to worry about your retirement with socialists, you will be fucking better off, should have been my answer.  I am not any one philosophy, however, and gave the answer I always do...  we are a combination of socialism and capitalism,  but right now we are way out of whack, to the right so far we are destroying everyone except the one percent and a lucky few.

The percentages of good people just falling away, into the streets, the assisted living facilities, the sro's that give them 30 bucks a month after room and board, specializing in ex cons who can't get a job, disabled, etc.  Or worse.  Under the viaducts, tents in the park in the dead of winter, never knowing when the city might come by while you are gone and take everything... or someone else will steal, or...  the rapes, the od's, the first cold spells bring death each year to Chicago.

I want to help these people regardless of race or intelligence or general worth to society, as some see worth.  I do not believe in disposable people.  Comes too late you might think but I am just the beginning of something from which my voice will up being among the moderates, the least reactionary in some ways, while still not giving an inch of matters of serious morality.

The present mode of governing is not working.  From behind the scenes we need to have our own candidates, prepared to follow our agenda.  AOC is a brilliant concept, and a why not?   They selected her from 10 thousand applicants.  I really could care less which person is I charge, or persons, all the better.  I just will not allow you to think it is me, when I have no access to the kind of scientific advice and studies a leader requires.
t
I believe a ruling council from the major sciences needs to be assembled, as well as military and computer experts.  ANYONE involved in electronic mind control it goes without saying we need to snatch and grab whatever they know, and be prepared to use it.   I am not sure if there is a way to test if this is being done, and I would hate to start an armed race... however I suspect they will use whatever weapons they can, especially 'seemingly' non invasive, etc.   Having had my mind gang raped by scientists from an early I know they are capable of anything.  I do not know if they used it on me because the circumstances were so bizarre to begin with.

I WANTED TO SAY more about phoenix and the idea of my being the Joker.  I am sorry you have that view of me.  This is inaccurate as you probably know and I am not going to allow you to just put the film out without responding in print.   I am not going to bother seeing the film for awhile.   I am sure eventually.  They even chose the name Arthur.   I wonder who they are trying so hard to convince the oligarchs were not behind this, that crime did not create me and keep me going well beyond when you should have cut off any lunatic on the web.  And that was what I was, not a leader, not a hero, not anything.   I WAS often mega-maniacal, because I had no clue what I could and could not do, and the small miracles in my life, the ones I saw with my own eyes, had convinced me there was more.  I was certain I could go out into the face of an army and defeat them with lightening from the sky.

Now, I would no more...  and not entirely because I do not believe this is possible, because if it happened I would probably not stop it, let it grow, into like my euphoric vision of endless lightening and fire flowing from my body.  And even if that is made up, I have the storm I caused when I thought they harmed mary ann, which could have been weather control.  BUT the day I pulled lightening from the sky I was on the train, sitting beside mary ann, and willed it, saw it coming down, and stopped it, all much quicker than my fingers can type.    I was concerned that I would have a building right below it.   This was too easy.  I NEVER tried this again.  I have never tried to heal the sick or any of the things in your bibles.


I saw joker wins all these awards and makes all this money, my life lied about, more blood money into he pockets of the wealthy, connected, mind controllers.   Lord, how they love to hate me now.  BRO'S DON'T SHOW BRO'S THEIR DICK'S  I needed to hear that?  M.  Damen said this.
I wish the fuck you had not been watching.   Why were you all watching me?   Would I be one of you, saying, let's tune into that alien, or that cult killer, or that guy we hate or like or is a rebel, the threat to the status quo.  The more I learn about movies, the more I WISH to destroy the status quo, get intelligence OUT OF THE ARTS ALTOGETHER.  Society needs to be able to develop.

Supernatural

Do you consider my believing the atmosphere will die a true apocalypse?    Is this the message with chuck appearing as a distant asshole, which I have hardly been and have never meant to abandon you in any fight, had I known there was anything in my power to do so.  I do not expect to be an influencer, and if I am looked at as magical n any way that makes me not a seeker of truth and justice not the defense for the sins of my time.  My point is and should have always been, there is one greater than I and look for him, not me.

I am nothing but a message.  Not even a messenger with another life, who will deliver other messages.  I am the message.  I am here.  Life is over.  I will hopefully not live to see it.  I do not want and will not be the cause of it, that is a vow I do not have to take, just true.




I keep hearing Sam saying I consider them just a show.  I think the way people face this sinking ship will us my mission.   Ushering people into the end, Gabriel blowing his horn...   I write this because of the show, Dominion.   The evil angels...  a spy tells me these are my people, what happened to them, become carnivorous murderers.
There is nothing to laugh about when it comes to some people.

I do not care what GOD has put you thru.  I was not part of that decision, or they never would have been made.  A man is all I ever prepared to be, and is all I know how to be.  All I am meant to be.  God's drive people mad with their presence, and they deserve worship no more than celebrities.  SMART celebrities keep this in mind their entire careers.

When I read now of celebrities I should have sympathy always.  They have all been used or forced to make impossible choices, long before I came along and thought I could offer a way out.  A means to end the churning out of lie after lie until I realize, perhaps, the mental health of the world depends on keeping the future a secret.  The apocalypse is not longer a fever dream, something I had a vision of...  I could no more imagine myself truly wanting to harm anyone let alone the world.  I had an active fantasy life, got out my frustrations, my suicidal thoughts, by projecting harm on others, usually evil.  Though they could as easily be someone who said or did something I wish they had not and I wanted the story to end with my kicking their ass...  so I made a few of those stories up over the years, lived my own story, creating what I hoped would be the better part of what was said of me, when I was famous, which I always expected to be than gave up on that, just when it happened.  I did not do well with the mind they gave me, of course.

I believed my own press.  My own feelings.  My mind.  I went a place that has nothing to do with this material world, which makes it seem fleeting as a flash of light at night. Souls themselves creatures of great beauty, untouchable by this experience, learning or caught or...  I am not sure why we are here.  Perhaps we were trapped, by the life forms on these planets, and we are souls.   Only the destruction of the planet would free us, as it had before, from other planets.   Controlled by a timeless immortality what looks to as a long time gives humans a blip of the last era to destroy things.   A bomb lit and tossed at life, to destroy what our dna created survival instinct holds so dear.  Maybe kindly aliens passed, took the apes, made them patriarchal and cruel and sent the out to think up a way to kill all life -- their ancient enemies, the seas and the forests, finally vanquished...  man versus nature has their winner.  One of the six prime plots in literature is there for a reason, deep and unknowable in all but speculation.

Nothing is just a show to me and I think about these matters all the time, when I appear to be sleeping, and in between the naps, the ground I have to cover if large, making sense of everything I saw and heard with my new knowledge.  I am glad my memory was triggered, heightened, as if I had a danger to identify and must never forget, during most of the later encounters.  During the early ones, I have trouble with some memories simply because playing them through is so emotionally difficult that without good reason, I do not add to the too much already on my plate.

Or I rationalize, because I have caused so much pain....   I do not wish to do so again.  This is not my way.  I wish I did not feel that everyone hates me.  I wish I did not feel that they have a right to in too many ways.   Not knowing is not enough.  Pretending is what I have been doing for quite some time.  Keeping the real me deeply buried under a cover, all the way pretending to break one cover.   I am not the type to plan too far ahead.  I see only disaster when I do.


Angel down.   The president nor anyone else is in danger of a terrorist with nuclear bombs scattered around this country.  NO ONE.  Stop taking what I write and blowing everything out or proportion....


What I would like you to think and what you need fear are two different matters in one way -- I am not an idiot.   I do not want to fucking hurt anyone.  You are murderers.  I was mistaken for one, and brainwashed into one.  But I am a killer.   There is a huge, huge difference.  God will decide which is which in all our cases, though I do not fear the Judgement of my maker for my past I do for my Future, as I ALWAYS have...  I cannot look there anymore except to plan the non violent, a way that does not involve mass suicides or murder or any of the messes people will start to bring up.       We must be the shepards who stayed with their flock when there was no hope of winning, to give them courage, hope... and however slim, a chance...  one chance in hell is better than none.  I hear every soul in hell clamoring that immortality in pain opposed to one chance...   whether real or not.

KEEP ENOUGH or YOUR EVEN ILL BEGOTTEN GAINS to have peace.  We will set the limits fair and give you more than enough for a life of luxurious leisure.  What more can you ask of us?  To allow the poor to die?   To fight in another senseless war.  Yes, we will lose.  You will be hurt though and maybe only a pyhricc victory will await you....  though I personally do not wish to waste lives, efforts, or resources on fighting, at a time when they will precious to survival itself.


I had a vision the other day, or this very wide way of thinking, where I could almost feel the books opening all over my unconscious, releasing the bits of knowledge that would blend with others in my unconscious, to finally try to translate down into the words used by my consciousness.  I felt only a poem of a few words could do that.   I was wrong.  Plans need to be clearly explained, laws there for all.   There should never be rank.  Rank is rank.  There has to be people in charge, but I hope they are soft spoken and kind hearted.

I once said I needed hard people to do this work.  What work?   Revolting.  I thought.  Other times I must have been lost in …  a dream.  A way of trying to do what?


Years of being in a drama, you in tv and movie sweated and fought and schemed and raged, rightly so, to fight.  A theocracy could not and should not be allowed in any way.  All religions and no religion is acceptable to me.  Especially when they leave all but their ethics behind, when they concentrate on working on our sinking ship together.  When the ship is sinking you put all your differences aside and try to stay afloat.

I do not want to head off to starve in a life raft, or become dinner for another boat.  I cannot imagine what has been gone thru to make socialism a near reality in the usa.  tRump will run against this all he can, which the dem's fear will lead to a win, so they are going with Biden, hoping his buddy Obama will come thru in the end.  well, knows he will.  He looks so good to non discerning eye compared to trump as the same wars rage.








my words come as poetry whether I mean them to or not
the paragraphs do not want to hold together

line breaks appear mid sentence at times

the thoughts are more a net tossed in air
than a picture of the catch


I am unable to function as a writer of these kind of words anymore.

Something is broken.

In my mind.'

Fixable surely.
























































 










I have never meant to abandon you.  I do not know your situation, or I would help.  Do you think I have been ignoring the  shadow world, taking the red pill for awhile?   I guess I was now that I think about this and you are right to criticize me.  I should be speaking now directly to those who have been there.  Why I utilize my time interacting with people who are not witting?   It is illogical now that I think about it....

But this does not mean my thoughts were not elsewhere most of the time.  If you could see inside my head you would find I examine your shows over and over and certain lines I heard echo in my mind always, the criticisms mostly, because they stung and when I saw the truth in them... I felt I was able to alter my behavior somewhat...  but Mostly, I have not felt like there was anyone out there who wanted me much but dead, then I find this not to be true once again.  This famous guy you speak of is not the person who is sitting here.   I had my parade and I walked by it selfishly, the carefully planned parade that wanted to be seen by this deity,  I applauded the Jessie... acrobats and the cops and then walked on to our meeting.   I wanted to change the world, not be worshiped, not to be an icon.

I did not mean to harm your sensibilities the way that I have.   I would never have hurt your feelings if all of this was entirely real to me.  For some reason, God placed me at a distance from this world and there is probably a very good reason for that.  I am weak.   I am at my best when God keeps me from temptation, as he does.. she does.. God was more of an it, to our rules of grammar, but this God did not feel like anything to me, just was glimpsed, though the God in my heart, the one I used to talk aloud to as a friend a lot of times in the past...  is just Love.  The sex does not enter my mind at all and writing the same occurs...   SO MANY stupid  digreessions.




I admit to you, I should have been more alarmed by what you were trying to tell me.  I am sorry.  I have been cocooned in a way, going along with the general mindset, the unwitting, talking stupidly of politics, knowing what I KNOW about that.

I just thought, the man of letters, and how...

I do think of the awesome effort that the television crews did, now....  I am grateful to them for what they looked for in the beginning, before I felt the world had become my enemy, not understanding yet the nature of those watching me, let alone their circumstances.

I was mistaken for a madman by all of you.   I was acting at times because I felt it was my only way o fighting back against a force too large for me to comprehend.   If only I had not been locked in this prison, looking out at what you were trying to tell me in a fictionalized, usually, format.  I felt intruded on, and you were watching someone God only knows who was making money off....  I was driven half crazy going from thinking one thing was going on and then another.....  when I discovered this thing had made me famous, I thought this might be a good thing....  but no, it sure as fuck was not.



I am so overwhelmed by the thought of all the effort that was put into this endeavor....  a revolution that must never stop standing back up after being knocked down, until the day comes we stand over our fallen enemy.

Preliminary TENETS FOR THE WOSHIP AT THE CHURCH, GOD'S LOVE.

GOD'S LOVE

This is the name I have chosen to start calling my Church.  Once people built a false church around me, made me into a Christ  who was being controlled by skilled artists at brain washing, which as of 1922 could insert a personality that did not know about his real personality, WHEN they made him a communist so he could join  and not even remember, until they brought back the soldier, ...    we were a bloody lot simply because I was not let in on the chain of command, it was assumed my earlier writing was used against my intent... and though it may not look to it to the people who died or were damaged or...  I cannot begin to imagine all that people went through, though at one point I was threatened with all these bizarre forms of torture that had vague ties to things I had written about, and  I was assured, by the hatred in the eyes of those accusing me, that they had been tortured.

That was when they wanted me to join the race war and I basically told people that  I would have nothing to do with it, having no idea one had been raging...  and that three acts of my behavior, were told by whomever to whomever, that I wanted a race war.   I was not about to be distracted by a race war, when my true target was the oligarchy, who need to pay enough taxes to fix this country, or cut the military budget by fifty percent, from sixty percent, which would still give us the largest percentage of taxes going to war -- or more specifically, the coins are going to the aristocracy, the war profiteers -- another reason they hate me is because I would make profiting off war illegal.   I would force industry during this period to work at cost, cut executive bonuses to nothing, and even their wages;   we need to socialize the damn banks.

You can say what ever political formula you use to define the events of the world, but I believe every political formula is a fiction, and only the force produced is real, as it says in Irregular Modern Warfare.   In the USA we need a co-olition of the working class, who has not been co opted by the elite, or offered a space in the underground facilities where they will be housed, when the disease is spread to kill most of the planet.  Seven Billion was the amount I read, and Ebola seems to be the disease they will use -- typical of intelligence to give people a horrible death, where you shit out all your blood and die.   I lost a lot of blood once, enough that I would feel my intestines and shit touching nerves they never had, man... I was screaming until they just knocked me out with morphine.  I was puking bright red blood, and spewing it into a bed pan.   An artery had been accidentally cut open in my intestines and at the time this meant you died, one hundred percent of the time.   I  bled through all my blood Type in Bowling Green and Toledo, Ohio, and was getting it poured in from Detroit but it was just going back out.  That same night one of my best friends from childhood, my oldest friend...   Killed himself.  He died, and I miraculously got better.

I used to wonder if there was a connection but now  I have faith that I have a mission, and it will be a religious book that implores PEACE AND DEMANDS JUSTICE, EQUALITY, AND THE RIGHTS FOR CRITICS TO EXPOSE OR MOCK anyone.  A leader who is afraid of what the artists will say about them should not be in command.  A leader wants criticism from their enemies, because they will


The basic outline I of a religion is based on facts as they know them, which group is going to manipulate them, whether they are created to make profits or prophets -- most of which are egomaniacs and quite a few predators, for a priest is a prophet to a child.  True prophets you will not find in this time of tribulations.  The world is filled with the lies of war.  LAW ABIDING allows truth.  Criminality kills truth.  Very simple.

People are going to lie and there are times when it is easier to just go along, when honesty is in-needed and cruel, even.  There are other times when telling the truth is essential.  There are things I wish to be told the truth about, and would to another, no matter how many people, including myself, get hurt.  The truth is often taken as another meaningless lie in this ocean of wave after wave of lies.


BASIC TENETS.

NO JUDGEMENTS AGAINST PEOPLE BASED ON STEREOTYPES.


NO JUDGEMENTS AGAINST ADULTS WHO DO AS THEY WILL IN BED

NO JUDGEMENTS FOR SOLDIERS WHEN THEY COME HOME FROM THE WARS



THE GOLDEN RULE is the basis for all social, business, ecological, etc...  behavior.  What we strive for and then learn the benefits of and revel in the change.   This will cause a great leap forward in the sharing of technologies, ecological disaster teams, like should be converging on Japan's leaking Nuclear Reactor now, before the damage done is irreversible.  Or perhaps it is and no one wants to panic the world.   We played with fire, and the forest burned down.... humans all evacuated, animals dead.

The church will first stop war through basic civil disobedience backed up by a very selective, sniper oriented, group that will go after the hardest of targets, until our enemy, spread out as they are all over the world, or living underground, or close to their silos, and thus subject to easily being trapped by setting off a few nuclear warheads way down deep.  Cause a rare earthquake in Washington, D.C. perhaps, as happened before, just before, in fact, two movies came out about the white house being taken over, and the tours of the White House stopped, for budget reasons they said.

The government needs to be kept intact to a degree, replaced, but still a system that all people can basically agree that if it were honest, would certainly be someplace to start creating new times, of the new scientific realities, and the freedom of the individual from subtle mind control, and allowing them to confront the truths the  Aristocracy took it on themselves to hide from everyone else.   Not out of any good hearted impulses, just so they could save themselves first, before the peasants had a chance to revolt and mess up their plans.

This is very difficult for me to write in 2017 when my belief in human life and society withstanding the travails to come is .... well, I write with no hope that the life of the flesh is eternal, like the old time writers who read authors from hundreds of years before, and wanted to be one of them.  Now I must write for the presence if there is going to be any hope for the future...  well, I make my words out to be more important than they are, but this is the goal at least.  Others would have to do the hard physical work, this I cannot help, with my ill health -- spinal problems that cause pain and massive side effects from a plethora of pain and anxiety and ... pills.   I need them and hate them a hell of a lot more than I like them.  Went without such things for most of my life, to avoid addiction, then ended up having to be addicted to them to function.  Irony.  And a wish come true I did not mean to, like too many others, from my adolescence manifests, when I wanted to just do downers and smoke weed all the time, thinking then I could function in this world as an artist.   This happened and to a degree of four books and a lot of half ass paintings, though chaotically and nothing I would want to repeat.  I do much better when I am in control, as  I am now.

My rule on drugs has always been I am not going to dam you for doing drugs, even though I am sure your life would be happier without some of them, though maybe not.  I just do not wish to judge their drinking.   I am a terrible drinker so I do not do it.  I am terrible when I take too much Xanax or valium... black out and get drunk as hell and mean at times.   I have these demons just under my veneer, which I try to make friendly, interested... though I often look depressed and stressed and in pain because they are my primary states of being at this time, along with occasional good feelings, as well...

I distract myself as much as possible from the intelligence activities that cost GOD only knows how many lives....  I do not want to think about the past, but unless  I am involved in another train of thought or a movie or writing a short story, lately, about a life altogether different than mine, and getting to feel like they might for a bit, instead of how a character based on my life would be.

More irony or knowing it would happen to me or setting up my destiny or writing down what I would create in this universe  --- I would add chance but this kind of thing has happened so many thousands of times in my life that coincidence no longer scientifically makes sense --- my first book has a PTSD before they called it that horror from the things he did in war, including pedophilia...  and much worse, that was based on true stories of the navy seals, raping women to death, as a lecturer did in a military intelligence class.  Asked how he deals with what he went thru, he said I drink a lot, then took a sip from a can under the podium.   I can now imagine how tortured he was in a way.

Actually engaged in the combat and the horror show rapes to try to get the villagers to stop supporting the Vietcong, yet they ruled at night and would kill more of them then the soldiers.... they had no choice at all, but Operation Phoenix pretended they did.





H

How Do I Begin?

I have not attempted to codify what I truly believe.  Shifted thru where my mistakes show me a truth, etc...  I know this was chaos before when my words tapped into religion.  I fear the blind belief.  I fear the trust that things will happen without material effort.  I fear that all leaders are bad, yet somehow some people seem to almost need them?  Or perhaps they just need to learn to live without one?

I know of the limits of free will in this world, the genes that permit a range of behavior from atrocious to saintly.  I    know that what has happened already will forever taint my image with blood, though I will use this against my enemies, I will still mourn having to wear this mask.   I expected just to me.   I wanted the writing to speak for itself.

Do I have any right to put another word out into the cesspool?   A voice cries NO... then I think of a moment of great honor, when I learned something I had done, of recent, bloodless, I pray, that had made a true difference in the situation in Chicago.   I DO not want to go into it, because it is the work of so many others that tossing out an idea hardly makes me a part of the good.   I  will try to redeem myself for my sins.  Of course I have sinned.  Mostly in my mind.  I do not know if all of the world will care, though I know some do and I believe in them.  The UNIONS are hope.  A peaceful way.  Perhaps if Sanders is elected, get all democrats in the senate and congress and then apply PRESSURE to the hold outs, let the unions thrive.   A natural redistribution of wealth if anti scab laws of some sort are put in place.   WHATEVER...

I see this and know that I must continue of if I have use, despite the feelings of defeatism, of diminished self expectations, are stones around my neck.  I do not want to rule anything was always the point though I finally just wanted to get the hell out from in front of a camera, to no more be asked questions I was not told enough to answer.

 Pretty hard to be grateful to your zoo keepers...   you never forget you are a prisoner.   I know rough world, no room to bitch.   No...

But I will not let you drag down the reputations of all those associated with me with your lies.   I do not know everything that happened, though I certainly understand this was not a group of psychotic scizophrenics or something.  The full range of people from normal to off was there, and planned, ,again, I CAN only imagine.   Not my plan.  No, they inserted my role for the mission, then I destroyed the damn thing.  Then everything really went fucking nuts and if I am right, the fish, the followers of this new Christ, before I knew they existed or what they were doing, were taken out because I  changed my password....  after being broken into for the tenth plus time.

I see it in the book, as well...   but HOW was I...  you know, I see how this all could be a plan, but what I do not understand is if they wanted operation bluebeam, why did they not tell me anything....  it was too maddening.   They made me crazy thinking I would then go along.   I could not help the medical condition I was in, or how horrible reality became without weed... how it pushed me into trances to write within over and over...  suddenly in the Jesus voice, which had been there all along, I imagine.  His beliefs my beliefs, etc...  just never placed in a religious context.   I know the reforms the Catholics could use, but I am not sure it matters...  in the large scheme, though if it stops one child from being raped, it is worth it.   They say that, I mean it.

I do not know what the fuck I am doing writing …. not a word in my head, feeling drugged to the point of almost asleep.

FREE WILL

      Free will.  Contextual Truth.  Everyone lies and the hypocrites who pretend other sicken me.  Of course there are ridiculous extremes;   I am not at the point of feeling like I need to tell stories to effect reality, to fictionalize the real events, to make New Journalism my way of interpreting events, in a manner.   I had the lying burned out of me when I heard the truth, finally, as the learning curve of truth came my way.  Lying before cameras that knew better....  all the embarrassment associated with looking like an ass.   The man who described his fantasy violence encounter, just for the hell of it, because a part of him wanted to.   I truly wonder now what made me begin to lie?

I fought it.  Hated myself for it.  Felt lessened.  For years I would go over my days looking for every lie, and examining them, in an attempt to stop the habit.   I have never felt most lies are a sin, they are one of those things which can go either way. They are required for the fake social contact we have in most societal situations.

JAPAN

   I was angry one day about the dolphin slaughter's in Japan, and have criticized other aspects of their culture, though I am certainly also aware they have wonderful attributes as well, as all people do.   I wrote we should nuke them over this.

Back when I was writing back and forth with one woman, a Jew, who I openly was Jesus with...  one of the few, I thought, though the magnitude of the audience for my fucking life of course saw all this as well....  I read that two weeks after I wrote this, they had a Tsunami and their nuclear power plant exploded and is killing the Pacific ocean.  At the time, thinking that my powers or words did sometimes cause things to happen in the real world, I wondered if my words could have somehow caused this?   My sick joke.  I know they released 777 tons of radioactive sludge one day, and on my feed appeared an article about this and the comment, WHAT IS WITH THAT?

What was with that is they were blaming me.  I also heard at the time that a nuke started that, and I was later informed of cultic uses of the armed forces...  wondering, what happened in the world, what drove it so mad?  I know a lot of people place a lot of the blame on me, and I accept some, certainly...   though every time I have heard of aberrant activity I stopped it.  I am not sure who else could have?

I do not to this day know enough about what happened in many ways.  A few words spoken half in code are all I would learn about massive operations....  and I was supposed to be giving orders.   No, I  was tricked into diminishing expectations, surprised every time by the attention.

This is too huge for my mind to handle, if this did come down this way, and God forbid this did, though other things I learned were unimaginable as well.

I would never want people invading my private life.  Never.  I attacked, tried to drive you away, scare you, etc...  I wanted to be free, but your judgements made against me, before I even knew what the hell was going on, are just too much for that.  Jailed in your perceptions.   I see all the slams on television, got the few in movies.   I learned from my critics because my allies had to keep me ignorant so I would go along.  When I learned the truth that stopped.  I cannot apologize enough for this world, or apologize for all the psycho's who put the mission together that placed me atop a cult.

I am not a disruptor.   I was once.   I had a lot to learn.   I was lighting fires everywhere, with no idea whose house I was burning down, or why....  I saw my words being mimicked thinking wow, they took my criticism of false preachers, and used Castiel, on supernatural, a group that has helped me a lot...  I have learned some bitter truths from tv, because evidently, a race war started, and I was a hostage of the blacks.   This just sounds like bad fiction.

I see now how I can disagree with their thinking, as long as we agree on behavior...  decent behavior, equality, justice...  freedom to be an individual.

I wrote of these things many times over the years....  wrote so many things.    Could my sick joke have been taken as order, by a group left leaderless, or acting under....  well, I do not know who would be able to make that leap, though the fanaticism that led many to think my comedy was a roadmap for life, or that killing ones parents would be the intent of a slice of life story about a real incident, meant to show their childish thinking, because nothing was ever going to be right again.... murderers, like the people in the real story, I figured they could only get caught.   I was trying to write a story a day, in all different voices.  Not trying to direct a revolution.

I always look back and wish I had acted differently, but that is like going back in time and making a change and not knowing if things would be better or worse?

I have never ordered, or meant to order, anyone to nuke Japan, or cause a Tsunami....  my religious awe sought patterns, I had criticized them, and occasionally bad things happened to people who I went after, surprising me, and making me think they feared mystical powers, not materialistic might.  Later I heard of the real violence, etc...   Brainwashed, wounded in my head, my thinking askew....  I thought in religious terms, not in criminal terms.  The criminal element in my life came as a surprise really, as did the police and others, everyone...

killing words aimed and accidental

My words have killed by accident and by aim.  I have actually at times just went, okay... I will leave that alone when they disappear...   I KNOW there are people who know more than me who work with me, and in this business everything is need to know, and it is always something that makes you curse that you ever had any curiosity about how the world really works... but, big shoulders, got em.  Death wish, at my ready though my survival instinct overwhelming...   A lot of people have stories of being banned for political shit, etc...  they watch me in real time.   At one point they admitted to the cameras,  and man.... think of being watched all the time, it is a hell.

  I would yell at what I thought were just bugs, because they had brainwashed me and my life had crashed and people had died and everyone around me was acting like it was over...   as all hell broke loose in California because of miscommunications...  Modern Family I grieve over what happened to them.  That he happened to be on when my stupid, cognitive dissonance mind made sense of all these people just seeing me as a guy in a webcam, doing a show....   that image of me dressing in that fucking green thing I wore just to be pissy and ignoring the cameras.  All the shit I did out of ignorance.

And out in the world my words were causing death, enslavement, people moving underground.  While I had no clue. OR ASSUMED they were telling me about something, but I had no idea what usually, let alone how I fit in. At present, I believe that the racist white are too far gone to see anyone who refuses to judge by race as sane. Many of you fought in a race war thinking JESUS would want one, OR A REVOLUTIONARY WOULD WANT TO DIVIDE HIS FORCE, or whatever you thought. I wish there was some way for me to tell you how much I grieve for everyone involved in this. I do not care so much what side you are on. I hate the behavior. I wrote a book condemning the very behavior that was extolled, because this is a CIA tried and true method. I knew I was working with them and proud at first, but I was stupid enough not to think of them as right wing, nor to wait to find out why they were being fired being proclaiming as I did before saving them. I had been sane, I would have sued this country. Good thing I did not let it stop there. You may tell me all these people died for nothing but I know better, as a socialist tis the prime contender for president, etc... it may all only be symbolic at this point, though this is the future, and you have helped bring this mindset to be.... I would never have sacrificed or risked enough to do the good you did. I would not have asked but in a trance I did... take no prisoners, can't afford them.... drugged and brainwashed and feeling pissed that my pain was unrelenting and for some reason no limo was coming to take me to experts, to good doctors, etc... I blew it all quick. I thought. People stood beside me long after they should not have. I had no idea there was a flock out there or my words would have been kind, and I would have told you how you were misinformed... and instead of freaking out and sending soldiers home, I would have taken this country into a scientific mode of governing. I do not want to be the leader or the power behind the leader... I just want the right thing to be done, Justice. I do not give a damn who delivers. I saw something that made me think the propaganda at least was throwing out that I supported trump, and expected to be the leader, made people call me the gran poo bah and other stupid shit, which is the opposite of my life... this set up that I was a rival, or used by womyn to rise. Again, I do not consider women to be my enemy, and I support Justice, like with blacks... it does not matter where it is manifesting, I SEEM to know right from wrong and often it is plain. I do not want to rule, once hearing a man is leading the women. I should lead no one, just be part of a political group, loosely, who refuse to be divided and conquered, and focus on the real problem, economics. I do not even want to lead this... always pictured a united nations... where everyone has the same power.

I use the word CULT but they called themselves my Acolytes.

I heard a bit about what their lives were like, studying the tapes of me perhaps, or learning the bible, some kind of classes at night...  people being punished in ways that I would never have wanted, that  I was then threatened with, causing the beast in me to want to kill every animal that intelligence had told me represented a different group.    I was taken as a cruel, vicious God breaking the world with an iron rod.   A comedy story I wrote before the Christ voice rose within me, had God coming back to earth and only taking mostly, penguins, the pope, a few cops and winos.  Turns out penguins are very much more advanced than humans, etc... ends with whining in all known languages, followed by humans trying to just go on, keep working, just keep a positive attitude.  The thought was the new Christ was giving signals to Catholics and Mexicans, after I said I followed in the footsteps of Ceaser Chavez.  I have a hard time thinking of how it must have been for people, to be reading the words of a God -- a man who grew wings, and they had proof, and leaders of governments around the world agreed, and miracles began to happen all around me, destruction.

My visions led people to think the end of the world was imminent, and I was half convinced myself after seeing the face of God, myself with endless flows of lava and lightening flowing from my back and chest, and my co worker being beaten up, which he was -- the proof my God sent along for his skeptical son who could not wrap his mind around the idea of what it meant to be a God, let alone why everyone was expecting him to lead the world?     I was unprepared to do this alone, asked for advisors, but Bush mistook me for an enemy, and my words were a mistake, thinking he was making a crown for himself, not me.... not that I would have accepted.  I would not however have harmed Jeb.   That was a comment on the stolen elections.  I was trying to be nice to all of you to keep the country from falling apart.

I wanted a revolution, but when I realize the kind of people involved, and what their objectives were, and that  I would have to work with at least some of them..  I was too stunned to work with people with ideas I had always hated.  Then I learned I am not in charge of your thoughts, if you want in this force just stay within military discipline and keep politics out of it, just winning a war against a genocidal oligarchy.   Afterwards we can vote as we will...  but we all have more in common than differences.  IF humans live long enough they will discover this.


I heard very little of the acolytes, though for awhile I was going to bed at nine thirty, and a gay actor on a show with Mexicans and gays, and whites, which were my initial allies, though I was flattered by this, I was too confused by the size of my audience and why people were fucking watching me, to work with you properly.   Perhaps that moment has passed, or you cannot make peace with the blacks... who as you know, I will help if you try to wipe them out.  Just like I would help you if they tried to wipe you out.   I meant it when I said I would live as a savior.   I would write live and die as a savior, but I am not sure what my death is going to be like.   I hope a savior of all the souls on this planet...  these are the kind of thoughts, and type of writing that have led so many in the past to see me as a spiritual creature, the new Christ, a reincarnating creature who has lead humans since consciousness toward the Golden Rule, the first step up for creatures from the savagery of biggest fish eats the other.

I will write in here what  I believe whether you care or not is up to you.



I must emphasize the God I saw is not me, at all....   I once was filled with a fire that sometimes made seem I was this being, and I felt it too, a glimpse perhaps into a limited bit of God's view...  but I have found God is very, very active.

The Hints they gave Me of What the Church of the New Christ did..

I have very little clue as to the day to day of the group who followed me, other than that many were religious, political, revolutionary, military... the different periods drew different crowds to the webcams in which I was displayed, like a free in a show you could pull up on your computer.  A guy who a lot of people believed was God, this mass murderer in Chicago was getting away with... murder after murder.  A madman who terrorized the world, threatening supernatural attacks, calls for nukes ....  Lord, when I think now how everyone seemed like my enemy,  I understand now.

I do not think I have ever properly expressed how much I hated being filmed, how I had to adjust my life to this presence, which was having actual effects on what happened on my tv, and sometimes in the city.... always surprising the hell out of me.   I figured if I was getting my ass kicked stuck in this shitty life, the world was my enemy.  Something was horribly wrong and I would fight it at all costs.  No matter what army marched behind me, I wanted the heads of the leaders.    I wanted conversion to sanity, and a great change... but I was just a guy who got bigger than his britches in a way, and then only out of ignorance.    I wanted everyone to like me, so I defended myself against any and all charges, though I also have a tempter and challenging me pissed me off back then.   I was at war. and you were looking at a creature, who still believes I am here to cleanse this planet of all life, to draw the fires of the earth to the surface, and make the sky itself your enemy, white walls of exploding lightening....

There are things which have developed into my religion.    I used to often think about this, am I here to save people or end the world?   If I am here to end the world, as my vision, one of the three I trust, showed me...  it makes sense.   I know when I created the flood here in Chicago it was out of rage.  Love or Hate will win.   I have a scale, and humanity right now has a huge pile of bloody Gold weighting down the hate side.   Love I think could cause to thousand years of peace....   but this earth does not have ten thousand years of life left, from what  I can tell.  A hundred years of civilization, maybe a thousand years plus of hold outs living underground hoping aliens will save them or something.   I do not care about all this speculation, though I use it to house my spiritual experiences.

I do not know how to address you.  You saw me at my worst, and I performed for you I suppose at times, having nothing better to do.  I would not have yelled FIRE in the movies quite so often if ever had I realized the reaction.  What do any of these words mean?   They mean I am not going to let the evil in this destroy my message.  The kings of lies will melt away before the flames of fire on my sword.  I want to believe the religions that once came to me in a trance of poetry...  I can feel that part of me, back there filled with a few words, the universe within me.

I do not know if there is any reason to leave scripture.   Who will it be for?   A band aide for those of us who will witness the end of the world, the collapse of civilizations and economics.  Not even that.  I am not providing a distraction,

I heard something about going daily and studying me.   Watching me all the time, associated with the word yellow and all life being art.   I made some art of my life, I suppose, because there was nothing else I could do to fight back.   I was fighting when I would not have been most of the time, though my morality has not changed during any of this.  I have the same feelings hating injustice as I did going into this, and that I became he poster boy for being unjust shows me how well they hide me among their words.    I have not always acted as I wish I had, surely...   though had they not sent embarrassing video of me out to the world, I would never have found out what was really going on in this world, and would have still been being used by people I probably would not be backing if I knew more.    No one has ever provided me more than vague examinations of the groups, and often I learned from their critics, who had their own agenda.

I believed lies about you, too....  I get it.   I however am not going to allow them to have my name.  They do not get to dismiss me as anti semitic, after how close the Jewish Psalms got me to joining the religion, which would have been a major mistake, throwing me into a lot of battles that are beside the point, and to be in a religion that brought Jesus, and the one Jesus brought, is all the difference in the world to me.   I was given this religion for a reason, obviously.   The catholic part, helping them, and they needed it, I was told, after I accidently got all these people to become Mormons.   I was kind of mad at the Catholics, thinking they were holding me jailed, because of those being the hospitals involved.   I was in no condition to be dealing with the things I was.

I do not like to think of what was witnessed by people who watched my life.  The overwhelming shame is too much to bother mucking about.   I have other pain that is more worthy.  I cannot apologize enough for causing you the feelings I did, though all it would have taken was to let me know what was happening....

Are there those of you who God has allowed to see me after the words piled around me by the ones who would no moral voice arose?

I have many unpublished drafts on this topic...

I do not know if I am writing now to find some kind of narrative where I am not a horrible monster.  WHERE I AM NOT WHAT many believe I am.  I have been misunderstood so often than one would think I WOULD get used to it, but one no more gets used to this than punches in the gut.  To be accused of being a Charles Manson with an army of killers, both professional and religiously hyped out, brain washed mobs.

When I first believed I am Christ, the feeling that I was being worshipped in some ways,  I wanted to be on the other side of the mirror.  I had dreamt twenty years before of Christ coming back in Chicago, though he did not quite show up... I believed he was going to and it was one of the greatest feelings ever...  anyways, the point is that I had different people who believed in me at different times, and as different things.

When I realized I was looked at as a criminal who was involved in forcing people to purchase something, when I was talking about the insurance I had, personally, against any attack on my person.   I was trying to use psy ops on the enemy, remind them of my ace in the hole as much as possible, keep them off kilter, a bit terrified, and rightly so...  to my way of thinking at the time.   I had no idea then the objects around me were being used.  I caught hints of things but would have never equated a toy lobster with torture.  Never.  I was taken to be much more calculating than I am...  and though I can calculate with the best of them in some respects, I did not have the proper knowledge given to me to solve problems.  The powers that be did not like my beliefs... just my power.

The offense perpetrated against me by watching me...  drew a lot of anger from me, set me up into a state of rage.  Always, there was the enemy, and I was fascinated by you had to say, as I tried to determine what was going on.  One day they asked for an afternoon off.... and this was my first indication people were looking to me to give them a day off...  for God's sake, I told them of course... and wanted to say take your life off.  They were trying to respond to me.  Some were trying to teach me, others undermine me, etc.   My allies made enemies of my natural allies, and correcting that misconception has cost countless lives.  Countless.  I betrayed groups out of sheer ignorance.  I did not mean them any harm, people can have their beliefs, I can work with them, but I will not join a group like that...  I would not fight for what you wanted.  No race war. Period.  That is a distraction I wills spend my life fighting.

To be blamed for all I stood against, to have all my writing once dismissed as STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, when I did not even know I was a hostage, and it had just never entered my mind.  I was not a racist to begin with, and being around a lot of blacks had taken away my misconceptions and I enjoyed black people.  I certainly would not judge people by the color of their skin, and I drove cab for over a decade, and many, even black drivers, passed up blacks... if for no other reason than they were said to tip less... I got great tips from blacks, because I treated everyone the same, instead of not expecting a tip so being shitty with them, or fearful, etc.   To find myself in the midst of that, and to find my words had somehow made me the black mascot.  I felt shame over that.

Like I was a dancing monkey, a cheerleader...  I had written that this in a way is all a politician is, and why bush won... the power of cheerleading.  I may have not understood everything that was happening around me, but I would not choose the black side, either.    I choose the side of Justice, equality....  I will find with any minority that a majority tries to wipe out.   That is a who is gonna get it next atmosphere, like we had in the USA for awhile.  I got the I am a mascot thing, after thinking about a mission and talking about it, then two commercials came on the next day, saying, he does know he is the mascot, right?    I later was so pissed I yelled into their bugs, I AM NO ONE'S MASCOT.  That is demeaning.   I am a free agent as far as some of this goes.  I have friends I wish to work with, and respect their sensitivities on certain matters, though they have never asked me to do anything, compared to the CIA involving me in a mission that involved mass murder.

I always stray from the topic of those who believe in me to this day.  I have to believe you exist.  Live at least like you do, after failing to be there for you, in the way I would have chosen, for so many years.  You saw the absolute worst of me.  A man being driven mad with concern over events he did not understand.   I knew I had a place in this, that I was being listened to, and my actions being mocked or degraded on tv shows, and later movies.   I had no idea who was behind what?    In the end  I am humbled you looked to me for leadership in the state of mind to which I had degraded.  I was playing a cat and mouse game, and I was most certainly the mouse.  A mouse that roared, sure... still a mouse.  That was true, and not true.

I never would have shown you my body, let alone my sexuality, had I realized you had taken this webcam so far, and your belief in me so seriously.  I shared your belief.  And to the revolutionary side of this, which you can take religiously or not, I did not realize what the sides were, why you were engaged in battle, etc...  I tried my best to be on the side of blind justice.  That was not what you wanted... you prefer blind prejudice.

What was done to my brain was very serious and I could not believe people were sitting back and watching me.  I never wanted that.  I especially did not want that when I realize there was so much more than met the eye going on.   I was trying to be nice to everyone, but that suddenly seemed to mean all these people thought I was selling out, which I would not do, I think I have proven about a zillion ways and with millions of bucks.  I expected to be welcomed.  The problem was someone else was in charge, or a poem I wrote about the Bushes was taken too seriously... and I was mistaken about the intent of the letter I had gotten anyways.   I was confused.  I looked at Bush as an enemy politically but  I would certainly never have wanted one of them hurt, but shamed for stealing the election in a poem, sure.  When I heard how that escalated.  I could not even comment on it because it told me of others who were involved, with objectives they did not share with me.

The break downs in society were never reported to me.   The tactics being used were never reported to me.  My own power was reported to me, and there were warnings, but I could not believe the media, when my own life seemed in such stark contrast.   I asked for a normal life one night, being blown away by memories of being worshipped on other planets, and famous etcetera and I preferred to just have a regular life.   I said many things that were not true or just rationalizing what I felt I had no choice in... like the bugs.   I did not like to think of them, and was always annoyed when a show would reference the conflict.  Then when I was told by an actor on a popular show he was being sold to his hairdresser.... and I had to preach that I would attack anyone who was keeping slaves, no matter how close they thought they were to me.   I knew that  I had fought hard for gay causes, and this was obviously a hetero sexual man ...  slavery is bad enough without serial rape, but I guess that is part of the sickness of ownership.  Thank you to the Scots and others who came to my aide to take out these predators.

I said from the start I was here to free slaves.  That I meant.  I did not mean to free every dangerous killer in the world, or whatever...  but I would empty the prisons of non violent offenders, putting them on home release at most.  Many things I wrote in poetry, which is obscure at best to most people, and I used phrases I should not have.  Paux Romano, or the peace of Rome.  This set Rome on fire I guess.   I could not understand why so many people suddenly believed in me.   I assumed most did not.   I thought they did at first, when the guy on the street told me the world knew Christ existed, and he was me...   and I did not have the where withal to understand the weight of this burden, tossed it out of my mind, enjoyed the communication the tv did showing my life, etc... then things turned violent.


Over night everything went to hell.   I felt like I was in a real war, and was being tortured by pain and the head games people were playing with me... if what the tv said was true, why were leaders not coming to meet me, or inviting me, or ....  a lot of things.   I am very good at denial.  I guess.  The years of drinking required as much, but I also sobered up mostly.  Pot and the pills had an effect, but mostly they were a way of numbing myself enough to continue in the new world I found myself in, where there was a God, and I was his Son.   After the visions, I had no doubts about this.

In the pathetic end of the webcams...  I got xfinity and Mary Ann mentioned she thought the tv was responding to us again... then a show had a guy in an ape suit, real skinny, like I was, the king of the apes... and they were asking what I was doing there, and inferred I was dying of cancer.  None of this was true.   I had just become so appalled with the treatment I was getting after an event that meant nothing to me became a huge deal to the world.  An act those filming me everywhere had on camera suddenly was on a camera that was in the living room....  I was telling you to leave me alone, again, as I always was...  yet you thought I wanted an audience.  I was thinking the other day how I hoped someone had chopped off yo you ma's fingers, and that if I got control, I would do this one act of fucking revenge.  I would also take out Dylan, but first I would make the public aware of their sins and let them be mocked, etcetera.... paraded naked in cages thru the street, pelted with tomatoes we will bring in for the occasion.   Along with a parade of politicians and other traitors to freedom of thought, action, and lifestyle....

I was going to bed at nine thirty and a character who I had a lot to do with said he was going to bed early lately.   Gays and Mexicans and Puerto Ricans and Whites, I think, were my big allies at that point.  I did not know what it meant that we were allies, really.  I knew that I was questioned a lot about the Mexican culture and this and that, and had no idea why.   I did not realize people thought I was being a stripper for a fucking webcam, and other things.  I remember they brought out an actor they used as me a lot, will Ferrell, and he was naked, on a horse, surrounded by dancing gay guys, and this Mexican guy I had never seen before is really pissed off and says HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THIS?   Well, it took me a minute to fucking get thru the mortification... how could people look at me like that?   I really began to blame the gays to a degree, because there was all this talk about my sexuality, which should not have even been an issue, and I exaggerated my involvement for the sheer hell of it.  To make a point.  To say gays are angels so they are just fucking left alone.

When this started  I was playing mind games with the world, not taking the position serious at all.  I woke up like ground hogs day, which they played a lot for me to show me, act cool and we will let you out of this prison...  and I was living the same day over and over in a way, after gaining all this fame and suddenly being ignored.  I expected fame and fortune and instead found this weird government would not allow that to happen, though they were more than happy to communicate with me on tv shows....  I did not realize it was dangerous for them not to like me.  No idea of the zealots in the crowd ready to die for Christ, and kill...

A song came on about how I was turning friends into enemies, and if I was love why was  I kicking their ass... jack white...    very dark song, which I liked, until I realized they thought  I was doing this...  I was saying fight the two percent, which was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.  Celebrities are not in the trillionaires billionaire category that are the enemy, they merely work for them, wittingly, or unwittingly.   A lot of them are inducted into secret societies or by other countries, criminals... like you need a sponsor to get a city job in Chicago, especially in the old days, someone with  Juice, who took care of you, and you took care of them, maybe kick back a few bucks of his pay... who knows?  Do political work for them, contribute money, whatever.

To go from being loved to hated.   By millions and more.....  I cannot quit writing.   And I wonder sometimes if my every word now is just a rationalization for events that fill me with guilt, regret, horror, terror... and leave my day to day at best a person watching tv in a funeral home, and feeling the general sense of mourning no matter how many smiling faces pass across the screen.   Like during the end of the webcam, I felt if I could help I would accept this.  But I begged you to cut it off after that.  I wanted to reassure people that they had nothing to fear from me, though I certainly did not always act up to that ideal.   I had no ill will toward all English people, just monarchies, and the queen is a very easy target, as is the murderous Charles.  But  I felt them so far away from me that what did it matter what I wrote.   When the queen came onto bbc saying we have to stop this, I thought she meant my criticizing of her.   I was not happy to see her gold stolen...

I guess if it was going directly to some great cause, fine, but to steal it like a criminal.. No.  Robin Hood is one thing, and this is what must happen with the trillionaires.  We must all be Robin Hoods.

I do not know how much good it does to bring up the past, the places I wish I had acted differently tend to haunt me enough without my entertaining them for sport.   I try to keep my mind focused more on how to salvage what I can of any allies who will leave behind their racism, and all their isms, and treat people how they treat you, and others.  Who on this earth can say they would want to be in the position of the Palestinians?    No one.  The crimes there are allowed because of the USA.  We protect this small country because many of our rich, and politicians, are Jewish.  And AIPAC.  I understand wanting to be heard, but they have gained too much power, and are imposing their will on the world in our name.  I do not want to see the Jewish people suffer, either... and what the Zionists are doing sets back religious relationships about a hundred years, in most places.  The states will come slower because the media is Jewish owned.

I DO NOT and never will be on the side of the bankers, but they are not all Jewish.  I did not notice the Jews being a big player in the game when I was at the top, they were someone I tried to protect.  I would not have protected all their behavior, as I did not...   I criticized all kinds of people never thinking it made any difference.  And it did.  Later...

I was made to feel insignificant, at a very dangerous time for such a perception.

The grand plans blew up in their face.  One moral man stood up to the armies of the earth.  Though I was awakened too early, too ignorant, to do anything more than the will of God...  things that seemed like errors became my greatest strength.  ASKING TO BE BURNED, and thinking no one would react and then seeing this huge blast of criticism from every show... it was astounding.  That was when the view people had of me came home, in a the mildest of ways... and I was appalled, but still astounded and humbled that all these people took part in something of that magnitude..  and from this I was able to feel the sordid sinking feeling that this was just a fucking webcam show to people... not my life... not ruling the world... nothing.    Just nothing...

I no longer cared about anyone at that point.  I hated everyone on television in a way, and forgave them, too.  I did not want them hurt, until later, when I realized they wanted a fight and I could give them one... in fact, they needed one, to be challenged.  They need a lot more to be honest.   Now that I know more though I realize that is probably impossible.

I would rather write about religion in a way, but I do not know what to add to religion?  The great questions have been asked and answered since the beginning of time, never satisfactorily enough not to be replaced.